Confronting Pain

Chapter 1: Pain

Pain. From the moment she opened her eyes pain cut into her bones, sharper than ever. Louder than the blaring of her alarm clock in her ear, it signaled—no, screeched that something was not right.

Something had not been right for days. It had started with a dull, pulsing, pain. Then it had climbed its way up to a stronger, more persistent pain, with flashes of deeper, jaw-clenching pain. It had only gotten worse from then, until now. Breathe, she told herself. Just breathe.

Breathing hurt too.

The tones of her alarm clock climbed a pitch higher, and she had to force herself to raise an arm and push down the little plastic switch, gritting her teeth as she did so. Getting up seemed like too much work, when she could remain curled up under warm blankets on her bed. Pain would go away, right?

Not if it was caused by what she thought.

But it wasn't. It couldn't be. Simply because something like that shouldn't be able to happen. She should go to a doctor. He could tell her she had cancer, or some infection, some inflammation, some nerve malfunction or whatever. As long as it meant the cause of her pain wasn't what she thought it was.

She had been taking her pill, hadn't she? Pills—yes. In a sudden act of will, she flung back the blankets, sat up as she swung her legs over the edge of her bed, and stood up on the wooden floor. For what felt like too long, she swayed as every bone in her body protested and as the pain flared like a fire being fed paper. She made herself move across the floor to her bedroom door, passing through it into the joined living room and kitchen.

Pills, pills—there. An unlabeled brown glass pill bottle stood on the slightly cluttered counter top where she had left it last night after taking an extra pill. Now she unscrewed the cap and tilted the bottle mouth to shake out a few of the large oval green-brown pills. Two a day, that was the dosage. To be taken each morning. But because they weren't working, she grasped four in a fist as she found a cup and poured herself water. Though the water looked a little murky and brown, she used it to swallow the pills anyway, then grimaced. Coffee, that was what had colored the water. A few drops of leftover coffee.

Leaning back against the counter top, she felt like she was waiting for a miracle that wouldn't come. The pain persisted, the throbbing in her head making it all the worse. Perhaps she should lay down. She stood straight to head back the way she had come, just as something that had been nagging at her since her pain had really begun to intensify surfaced.

She shouldn't be here. She had never been in this apartment during such pain. Instead, she should be...

A blast of cold wind brought her from her thoughts. She stood in the doorway leading from her apartment to the steel walkway along the front of the building, even though she had not meant to move. Her only thought, out of place considering her situation, was, Well, since I've already started, I might as well go there. She couldn't make up her mind. She wanted to go there, but then she didn't. For now, the urge to go was stronger.

Slowly stepping across the steel grid floor in socked feet, she was suddenly grateful for the cold that helped to ground her. Somehow she made it to the staircase and started down it, gripping the rail tightly with both hands. She had made it halfway down when pain flared throughout her entire body, harsher than ever.

This time, she cried out as her legs threatened to buckle and her head swam. More pain. Instinctively she dropped into a crouch right there on the stairs, hugging the rail as she felt the cold bite of steel on exposed skin around her midriff. She was wearing only a sports bra?

Hurts...hurts...hurts...

She couldn't move.

Sometime later, she became aware of a slight tremor in the stairs and rail. "Liliana?" A voice, strangely muffled and distorted, called to her. "Liliana, are you alright?" She tried to make an answer, but she couldn't. Delicate hands gripped her shoulders, pulling her away from the rail to lean on a warm body. Her chin was tilted up, and through slitted eyes Liliana managed to recognize her neighbor. "You're hot."

"I..." It was so hard to speak. "I'll be—" Liliana whimpered at another wave of pain.

"Do I need to call an ambulance? The hospital?" Vaguely, Liliana could feel Kaya rummaging in her bag, each moment jolting her.

Ambulance? No. they wouldn't be able to help, not really. It would cost, especially an emergency visit. They would run tests, but...they could do nothing. "No," she protest weakly.

"Then? Can you stand?"

"No," Liliana repeated, still against a hospital visit.

"Liliana," Kaya began again, but Liliana didn't hear. There was something she could do, somewhere she could go. She longed to be there, just as much as she didn't want to. She hadn't had anything to do with that place, not since...

This time, Liliana cried out, stopping Kaya in the middle of whatever she had been saying. It hurt.

"That's it. I'm calling." Kaya shifted, no doubt to dial.

"No!" Liliana fumbled for Kaya's hand. "But you can call someone— else. He'll know."

"Know?"

"What—what to do." There was probably doubt written all across Kaya's face. Still, Liliana took as deep a breath as she could manage, and listed a number imprinted into her brain. The first among a few she could call.

The first among a few she had not called for two years.

Hoping that Kaya had dialed the right number and not 911, Liliana waited.

Then:

"Hello," Kaya's voice said, sounding brisk but with a slight tremor. "I'm calling about Liliana, she said you would know her?"

Liliana couldn't make out what was being said on the other side of the line.

"She seems really ill and in pain," Kaya went on. "Really, you're close? Alright. Drive quick or I'll call." He was close? And he was driving? Either much had changed in two years, or he was lying.

***

More vibrations on steel steps. Liliana's eyes had closed once more and she couldn't bring herself to open them again. She couldn't look at that face. Words were spoken over her head, gentle ones from Fenris, then sharper as Kaya probably resisted an order to leave. But there were more vibrations—and she leaned against the railing once more as Kaya left.

Liliana could smell the faint tang of sweat as she felt Fenris kneel beside her. For a moment she cracked open an eyelid, just enough to see a bare chest and training pants. Liar. She had always reminded him—well, ordered him—not to use his power too frivolously.

"You shouldn't have," she mumbled. "You liar, you weren't cl—"

"Lily." The word was a soft breath, whispered just as a strong arm wrapped around her shoulders. Just as Kaya had done, he tilted her chin up and to lift her face up.

She kept her eyes closed.

"What's wrong?" Fenris asked, his voice now low and urgent. "It's not—you stopped taking your pills? Is this a Changing?"

When she didn't respond, trying to find the words to reply, she felt his arm around her shoulders tense. His other hand dropped from her chin. "Something like that," she choked out. Not really, but yes.

"I'll take you to base."

"No." Once again, Liliana protested. "I don't—" Hating herself for showing such weakness in front of him, she couldn't stop another whimper. An Orphan, even as ex-Orphan like she was, should be more tolerant to pain.

"You wouldn't have called unless you knew you needed to. You're wasting breath protesting." Fenris knew her too well. Without warning he slid his other arm under her knees and lifted her. He was warm, so warm, and she lay almost entirely limp in his arms as he began walking down the stairs. Not that she would have been able to struggle, even if she wanted to. The short conversation had sapped her energy even more, and the pain was not lessening.

"Alright. So we'll get there..."

"...bring you..."

"...they'll be able..."

His words were coming in fragments, and her ears buzzed. The last thing she thought she heard was him calling her name as she went totally limp, and then a curse.

No more.