Before I moved here I was almost always alone. Isolated. Empty. I still am at times.
I used to be alone mostly all the time. Occasionally, only occasionally, my mother would come home drunk and angry. She'd stumble in and slam the door so hard that I could feel it across the hall. Our tiny apartment was almost nothing. The sound of her shoes getting louder towards my bedroom door would terrify me. I remember one night I was sat cross-legged on the ripped up carpet staring at the blurry television screen in front of me. I was so deep in thought that it frightened me worse than usual when she started banging on my bedroom door. Her voice slurred and uneasy made me uncomfortable to listen to as she silenced and then went at it again. I could smell her strong perfume wafting into my bedroom from under the door, burning my nostril with its strong floral scent . She screamed my name and I couldn't help but obey her. I knew she would frighten me but it would be worse if I ignored it. I stood up, shaky and emotionless. Walking towards that dreaded door of mine was always the hardest thing to do on the rare occasion she did come home. I slowly opened it up once she'd calmed down and found her sat on the floor leaning against the wall. Her head was dangling down and her dirty blonde hair covered up a large amount of her face except her eyes. Her big, green eyes. She slowly looked up at me with black tears falling down her face. Her red lipstick was smeared all around her mouth. It was clear she had been crying but how could I comfort her? What comfort did she deserve?
"Julie, I'm so sorry," she wailed, the tears getting worse as they poured vigorously down her red cheeks. "I'm so so sorry,". Seeing my mother in that state couldn't help but make me feel pity for her. Of course I'd never forgiven her for the way she handled me but the worst part is I wasn't a bad child at all. I was just scared. Confused. I'd often run away for a while and hide in the woods while my mother was at home so I didn't have to be around her. I guess I had to be slightly apologetic for that.
"You need to stop. You need to get yourself cleaned up and sleep," I told my mother. I didn't help her up. I didn't seem too sorry for her, although I did feel it. I think I even scowled at her but aswell as the pity I felt I could not ignore the anger. Who could blame me? This was the first time throughout almost my whole life that she had spoken to me softly. She never took care of me like a mother should. I didn't have any friends to compare our mothers to be fair. I just knew what a mother should be.
When I took walks into town to buy my dinner and breakfast I'd see women comforting their upset children in the street, hugging them. The looks on their faces seemed genuinely concerned for the infants.
I never had that in my mother. It was always dad. But he's gone.
After that night, she stayed home completely. She didn't leave the house once. A week passed until she finally went out. I got back from school and found a bag of groceries on the counter in the rotten kitchen we almost never used. I opened it up and unpacked everything as it was clear my mother hadn't the strength to. I looked over to see her sat on the sofa staring at the wall in front of her.
"You got groceries," I stuttered. "That's news,". I waited a while for a response but there was no reply so tried to lighten the mood with a forced laugh. Nothing.
"All these years you've been caring for yourself. Buying your own food. I don't deserve you," she gulped. I could see her shaking shamefully.
"Maybe, But you can change. I know you can. You haven't had a drink once over the past week, mom. There's still hope," I told her, walking over and holding her hand in mine. "You just have to keep this sort of thing up,".
"We should move. We should start a new life," she said suddenly, looking into my eyes. "I... I know it's so sudden but I can't live knowing for ten years I haven't been there for you. I need to be there for you now,".
I paused and thought about it. There was nothing left for us where we lived. My school was terrible. I was known as a complete loser at my school and everyone hated me.
Our apartment was a complete mess and we couldn't fix it up too much because it wasn't even ours.
"We should go. Have we got enough money?" I asked her.
"Your dad left us money. I never had the heart to use it. Now I do," she told me, smiling a little. "It'll be great. We'll find you a great school in a nice little neighbourhood,". Her face was completely lit up like I'd never seen before. The way she wanted to change was completely unexpected but I was so glad she had finally come to her senses and I no longer had to be afraid of her or her actions.
"Your aunt has a nice place in that little town she works in. I'm sure if we asked she'd look out for a place we could live in and settle. I haven't spoken to her in years but I'm not going to mess this up. I'm so glad I've realized what I've missed out on,".
"I can call her mom. If you do it there's a chance she could just hang up or not answer and I don't want her to ignore us. We need to be a family again,".
We moved pretty quickly and my mother really did change. Everything went good for her and I could see she was trying more than she ever had in her whole life to keep her drinking habit away.
'Soon' I thought. 'Soon everything will be perfect".
