Letters // [thomas shelby / peaky blinders]

247

"Get up." Polly says, looking down at me in bed.

"I don't feel well, Pol."

"I know full well why you don't feel well. Get up. We're going for a walk." She says and rips the blankets covering my body off of me, leaving me cold before exiting my room. A tear falls from my eye, but I do as she's said. I splash my face with water, get dressed and put on a hat to cover my messy hair before heading downstairs where she's waiting for me.

"Standing!" Ada muses as I take my last step down. "We're taking big steps out of sadness today!"

"Shut up." Polly says, linking our arms and walking outside, dragging me along with her.

It's bitterly cold out, just what I didn't want to feel after leaving bed for the first time in almost a day.

"How are you feeling now?" Polly asks once we reach the canal.

"Cold." I respond, looking at the water.

"What's gotten into you?" She asks and I shrug.

"Birmingham isn't the same without him."

"Where would you like to go then? You just going to fuck off and leave us without an explanation?" She asks harshly and I shake my head.

"No. You know I wouldn't." I say, my tone matching hers. "I would never do that to the family that has done fucking everything for me. But you lot do everything for me because I would do anything for Thomas. Not seeing Thomas hurts me a fucking lot. The way that I write to him hurts and when he talks about his feelings in letters it does the same to me, but because I don't have to go out and work everyday, I just don't move. It's the only thing that I can think of because I just wish that I could hold him. And no offense, but you don't have anybody anymore. You don't have someone who could die. You have them, but not in the same way that Dorothy, Martha, and I have them." I say, tears starting to come down my cheeks. "I miss them in a crippling way. Tommy and I have never been away from each other for this long." I wipe my tears. "And I don't even know if I get to see him again."

"We'll write to him tonight." She nods, giving me a tight hug. "And yes, I don't have someone to lose out there, but if I lose one of them, I might lose everything." She says, and I grip her even tighter as we both start to quietly cry on the outskirts of Small Heath, by the water.

-

It took a lot of drinking for me to be able to dictate what I wanted Polly to write to Thomas.

"I just want you to let him know that he shouldn't think badly of our time apart. He just has to think of it differently. He has to know that he's coming home. He can't get sad. He's got to come back and give us a better life—the life he promised me." I say hazily, finishing my drink.

"What life he promised you?" Polly prods, trying to get information that she doesn't know of out of me.

"A life with money and power." I wave my hands around a bit. "It's been Tommy's dream forever." I hiccup.

"All right, love. I think you should get to bed." She says and takes my arm, heading upstairs with me.

"I'm sorry that I get all sad, Pol." I say as she takes my shoes off. "Just miss 'im is all." I wipe at my eyes.

"Yeah. I miss him too, dear." She kisses my forehead. "Now, get some sleep. You've had quite a lot to drink. You get one more day off before you're back to work. Got that?"

"Yes, ma'am." I say with a little nod, my eyes drifting closed as I pass out to the scent of Thomas' cologne.

-

The next morning I wake up with a splitting headache to Finn poking me. Not ideal.

"What?" I groan, rolling over.

"You look awful." He says.

"What do you want, Finn?" I groan.

"Polly's made breakfast. Sent me to get you." He says with a nod. "Also gave me this to give to you. I had a sip." He puts a glass of water on my bedside table.

"Cheers, mate. I'll be down in a bit, yeah?" I ask and he nods, scurrying out of my room and I take my time, slowly drinking my water, and getting dressed for the day, because I'm sure Pol has plans to make me feel better before I go back to work.

"Morning." Martha pops her head into my room. "Feeling better?"

"A bit, yeah." I nod with a shrug. "Polly was right worried about me, wasn't she?"

"She's worried about both of us. Always is. Plus my kids. Plus the boys." She says and I nod, sighing. "I'll leave you to get ready." She says and closes the door behind her as she goes.

"Miss ya, Tom." I look at the picture of his eyes.

-

"Georgia,

I'm sorry that I keep sending you into spells of sadness. I don't mean to.

And I'm sure you're scolding me for thinking that it's all my fault, but I don't want to hear any of it, because you and I both know that I'm right in this conversation. If you could even consider it that.

I've been instructed that I can only say things that might make you upset to Polly now, but I don't want to tell Polly. I want to tell you.

Start reading my letters at night. Cry about them until you fall asleep and wake up in the morning and curse me for making you sad then go about your day. Just write to me. Write to me all the bloody time, will ya?

And send me that bloody picture, will you?

Sorry I'm a twat sometimes.

Love you endlessly,

Tommy."

"Fucking idiot." I chuckle, looking at the letter that was delivered to me at the Garrison.

"You're back." Dorothy says with a small smile and I nod.

"I'm back. And I'm going to try my fucking best to not have another meltdown." I say and she laughs a little.