Sometimes, when I try to speak in anyway, shape, or form, I'm stopped by an unseen force that takes the words I want to say and changes them or stops them faster than I can press play on my iPod. Well I guess in this case it would be stop since that's what happens.
I've never really been one to not speak, in fact my whole personality is the exact opposite of weak. I am strong in emotion, but what kind? I've been know to cause quite a commotion in defense of what I know to be right, in defense of the truths that I believe in, in a point I want make. I often don't know when to stop saying words. But when it counts? When I might end up losing someone by not saying something? The words. Don't. Come.
It's like somehow, I've forgotten how to communicate, like the words I know, want, and need to say are suddenly nonexistent. What happend to my words? Did they just dissapear? No, they are stuck in my throat, hidden by my fear. I'm rarely that afraid. I've fought many different battles.
I've fought the Atlantic Ocean just out of determination to ride on top of a wave. Was it stupid? Yes. Was it reckless? Yes. Was it dangerous? Yes. But I was not afraid. I spoke out to, and sometimes against, my Friends, Teachers, and School Leaders about things that I didn't agree with and I knew affected me and those around me negatively. Why is it I had the courage to speak then, but when it really truly matters, I can't even send a lousy text or email with a simple greeting? Where did my courage go, and what am I afraid of?
I've lost and offended so many just because I couldn't bring myself to communicate three or four easy, simple words. "Hey! How's it goin'?" Or "Hi! What's up?" Things that I've said millions f times to people that don't matter nearly as much as the people I've lost do. So why is it so hard to say it to them, when it's so easy to say it to others? Why is it, that when it really matters, I'm frozen?
