A reason to live

chapter 2

I didn't know where to start. I'm sat on my bed opposite Clay, clinging on to a pillow as a form of protection. Clay just sat there waiting, watching me as he saw me trying to sort through my thoughts.

"Hannah, there's no rush," Clay told me, taking my grip off of the pillow sat in my lap and holding my hands. "We don't even have to talk about it if you don't want to, we can talk about how drunk everyone was at the party or how annoying Jess and Justin were."

I couldn't help but laugh at him attempting to lighten the air. It reminded me how easy it was to be around him and just like that I realised I was ready to tell him everything.

"This isn't exactly a short story, Clay," I told him.

"I've got time," he smiled.

I sighed and took a sip from the glass of water I had placed on the floor. "So much has happened since I moved here," I began and plunged into telling him every story of what had been going on to cause me to be as emotionally broken as I was.

I talked about when I first got there and my crush on Justin and how he broke my heart with those pictures. Then I told him about my friendship with Jess, how good it was to have a friend in those first few months along with Alex and how Jess broke my heart by not believing me when I was the subject of the next school joke.

I told him about everyone who had helped in destroying my reputation. Alex, Tyler, Courtney, Marcus. How they had each contributed in creating the rumours that surrounded me, engulfed me. How I had earned a reputation that I didn't deserve. How the list had given people the permission to grab my ass without invitation. How the privacy of my home was taken away from me with those pictures. How one school dance had led to people believing I was something that I wasn't. How everything that had happened previously led one person to think I was easy and just an object.

Then I moved on to tell him about Zack and Ryan, how they had broken my spirit. How much it had hurt me that Zach had felt the need to take the one good thing in my life away from me in the form of the notes. And Ryan. How he had made my most private thoughts the talk of the school.

As promised Clay never went anywhere, he just sat and listened as I told him everything. He didn't say anything, I could see he was trying his best not to react but as the stories went on, I could see the anger emanating from him more and more.

It was like the opposite was happening with me though. Talking Clay through everything that had been happening seemed to be repairing the damage that the 8 people from my stories had caused. The strain of the situation I was in was lifting from my shoulders as I shared the weight of it with someone else and I realised that I didn't have to suffer through this alone. The boy in front of me cared about me and wanted me to lean on him. He wasn't doing it to look good like Courtney, or to get some action like so many of the boys in the school. He was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and wanted to help me.

"He didn't care, all he could see was how the poem would benefit his stupid magazine. He didn't realise the effect it would have on me, to have everyone at the school talking about it and some knew it was me. Most didn't but it only took one person to say that it was my poem and the whole school was saying it. It was humiliating." I finished my final story and looked up at Clay.

We sat in silence for a few minutes as we both took in the significance of what I had talked about. I glanced at the clock sat on my bedside table and saw that it was 7AM. I hadn't realised that it was light outside, we had talked the whole night.

"Wow," Clay finally broke the silence. "I never realised, I mean I'd heard all the rumours, but I never imagined. But Hannah, you went through all that alone."

"I suppose I have been, yeah," I responded quietly. For the second time in the night, Clay surprised me by pulling me into a hug.

"Not anymore," he whispered into my ear. I made myself comfortable in his arms and wrapped myself around him.

"I know that now," I said under my breath. We stayed like this for a while, Clay showing how much he meant what he was saying.

All of a sudden, Clay pulled away from me and jumped off the bed, picking his jacket up from off the floor causing me to wonder what was going on.

"I didn't realise the time, my mom must have been worried," he told me, as he saw the confusion in my face. He pulled his phone from his pocket and glanced at it, before turning it to me to show me the screen. I could see several missed calls from his mom, as well as multiple texts. "As expected."

"It's nice that she cares so much," I said.

"Too much sometimes," he muttered whilst typing a message. He finished the message, before looking back at me. "I should go."

"Oh," I whispered. I knew it was silly of me, but it felt like he was running for me.

"It's really late Hannah. I'm not running, I just need to get some sleep before work later," He told me, as though reading my mind. Just the thought of him leaving caused some of the negative thoughts to creep back into my mind.

"You could stay? I need to get some sleep too." I asked him quietly.

"What about your parents? Won't they come and check on you?" He said, putting his coat back down.

"No, they go out early on a Saturday to do a stock check and open up. They know I don't like to be disturbed and they won't be back until at least 6." I told him. "Please stay."

"Okay," he smiled.

I stood up from the bed and pulled my boots and socks off. I looked up to see Clay's eyes bulging from the sockets.

"Oh calm down Clay, I'm not going to get changed in front of you," I pulled my pyjamas out of the drawer and turned back to him. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

I quickly left my room and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I made my way through my normal routine before going to bed, quickly taking my make up off, brushing my teeth and changing into my PJ's. I debated leaving my bra on, but there was nothing more uncomfortable than sleeping in my bra and it wasn't like I would be topless. I pulled open the door and walked back to my room, finding my parents bedroom door open and the room spotless. It crossed my mind that they must have been moving about the house when I had been talking to Clay and was surprised they hadn't come into my room to see who I was talking to, or that I hadn't heard them leave. Remembering the smart clothes that Clay was wearing and knowing how shy he could be, I went over to my dad's dresser, opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a pair of his pyjamas for Clay.

I made my way back to my room to find Clay sat on the edge of the bed, flicking through his phone and typing messages. I threw the PJ's at his back, causing him to jump.

"Thought you might need something to sleep in," I commented, before picking up my hairbrush from my dresser and beginning to brush through my now very short hair. He put his phone down on my desk and picked them up.

"Thank you," he smiled, placing a kiss on my forehead before making his way out of my room.

I put the brush down and moved around the room, closing my blinds and plugging my phone in to charge, before throwing the decorative pillows off my bed and getting in under my duvet. Just in time, Clay came back into the room wearing the pyjamas that happened to fit him perfectly. He closed my bedroom door behind him and climbed into bed next to me. I turned onto my side and turned off my lamp. We lay there for a few minutes, the distance between us feeling like a mile.

"Clay, will you hold me?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder to find him lying flat on his back and staying as still as possible. I reached over and took his hand in mine. He smiled at me, before moving to lie close behind me, his chest against my back.

"Always," he murmured into my hair.

"Never leave me Clay," I whispered, my insecurities evident in my voice.

"Never, Hannah, I'm not going anywhere," he told me, pulling me closer to him. I couldn't help but smile, an expression that didn't leave my face as I quickly drifted off to sleep, the quickest I had in months.