In reality, depression/anxiety and self harm is something I don't take lightly, in fact I take it to heart when people talk about it.
See, I noticed something, you see all these people on T.V -usually famous people- who have recovered from the likes of depression or anxiety tell of the fact that they're going strong after they got past that stage in life.
They say how wonderful life is. But they never say how hard it was for them to get to that point, how much of a struggle it was for them.
They never ever really tell of the days where they woke up and wished they didn't, they don't tell of the times that they wanted to end it right then and there. They know they could've, and they maybe would've done it if they weren't interrupted, if they were in a private place where nobody would get to them. They don't talk about how they just felt... empty inside, like there's this hole where your happiness should be. They never say stuff like that.
They only ever really say, "it was a dark stage of my life" occasionally they'd say stuff about how they may have cut. And they seem to speak pretty openly about it if asked.
Oh and the worst part is that online, these people that say "stay strong" and "people love you, you know, don't cut/die/etc." Some of them might've suffered from depression or anxiety but the truth is, and I guarantee this, the majority haven't.
They don't know what it's like to wake up every day hating yourself over virtually nothing. They don't know what it's like to have constant paranoia that makes you look behind you back every few steps. And I'm telling you now, they certainly do not know what the hell it's like to not be able to stop.
Every day it's like constant hurt and sometimes just numbness running through your head. Like a massive black hole that has sucked you in and is gradually killing you in every way.
The words and insults running through your mind, "you're such a slut, I'm ugly, nobody likes me, I should just go die in a hole like that kid said." It's actually really dangerous to think these things. You end up believing them and, the worst part is when the people who "encourage" you are actually putting more ideas into your head and you can barely take it.
You end up in a never ending circle of depression or anxiety going from one stage to another until it finally escalates into something that can only just be saved.
And what saves you I ask? That one person you think of when you're at the brink of biting the dust.
Say you tried to choke yourself to death in a relatively private place and you nearly succeed, but then at the last moment before falling into unconsciousness, one of the people you call an acquaintance runs up to you and yanks the piece of cloth from around your neck and says just one word, "No." or say that you were trying to drown or boil/burn yourself to death in a bath or a shower and, at the last moment when you're ready to give up, a friend or family member pops up in your mind at your funeral, weeping and dressed in black. You stop yourself because you realise the effects it'd have on them.
Even if you don't have family or friends you'd ask yourself if you really want to do this, if they'd appreciate it if you did follow through with it.
And it'd kill you inside, even more than the state you were in before. I know it would, it'd be torture for you because you realise all at once that even if it is worth it, it'll be a waste on your parents plans for you.
That'd be a thought you couldn't even think about at that point because you'd be on the ground or floor weeping and wishing you were dead even more. You'd try to claw out your guts and heart because of the pain and hurt settling there, you'd scream and curse at invisible "god" above you because you couldn't suffer through it in silence and nobody would come.
You'd be on the cold floor for hours upon hours before someone even thought of you. And you would hate realising that. You'd hate it with such a passion that you actually do nearly die, whether it be by slitting your wrists or popping too many sleeping tablets in your suffering body. You would eventually give up. You know you would.
If you don't want to hear it... Then you'll deny the truth, put your hands over your ears and say you can't hear it.
But it is the truth. The truth of an anxious, depressed and delusional mind.
Younger
When I was younger an older person once spoke to me saying wise words, "it's okay." but it's not okay, you only ever know who you are based on your actions. Never the feelings, never the rights, but all the wrong is highlighted. Then your world is suddenly crashing down around you and you don't know what to do until it's just ash and broken glass at your feet.
Then there's these demons in your head you can't defeat and still, you'll try and you'll try to get back on your feet.
And then everybody will go ahead and say it gets better but what's the use of better without a little torture and pain to go along with it?
What's the use of loving if you don't know what you have until you've lost it?
It's like a narcissistic bubble of hatred and rage burning inside you, trying to turn you into a basket case of emotion.
What's the difference between being mentally ill and just insane?
And what is the reason for me making my pain worse again?
Why don't I know myself like you do?
Why can't I feel like I used to?
These are a few of the questions people might ask when depressed and I think one or two of them is what a psychologist would ask a patient.
But that's just part of the depth of it.
