Confessions of a Teen

Let's get straight to it

Deep down I know that I'm not star-struck with him. I am just too immature to forgive myself for what I said to him- even though it wasn't anything bad. The memory is too embarrassing and in my head he's totally laughing at me.

So it all just comes down to the fact that I am a coward. My mental blockage is so strong and I criticize myself so harshly, it's actually quite sad.

I don't know what love is and how it feels but whatever this is, it's not normal and definitely gives me the tingles. He isn't even that attractive, nor does he possess any of the qualities that I admire; yet SOMEHOW he is absolutely perfect to me.

I can't stop staring, can't stop thinking and I definitely cannot talk to him. And it's so sad, but what would he even see in me? A little girl that just wants to learn to play some hockey, the little girl that's too childish to talk to him because she embarrassed herself and the little girl that seems to hate him while she actually has the utmost respect for him.

Loyalty and honesty are my two roots that I would say roughly define me. My loyalty to him shows through my dedication of always listening when he isn't talking, and always doing when he isn't looking. That's what has brought me to where I am now. My honesty shines through the little cracks of my facade when I am on a hockey high and can't help but meet his gaze and smile at him. My honesty would also blind him if he just came and talked to me! But that will never happen considering I told him never to speak to me. What an idiot I am.

I think I love him in a way that can't be called love. But love nonetheless is the word I choose to describe these stupid emotions. Love is the reason I can't talk to him. Okay and also maybe the two facts that he barely knows I exist and there's like a 6 year age gap between us. Couldn't bother me, but I'm a child compared to him.

It sucks to feel this way. It hurts my heart. And the days just seem to turn into months. Those months into years. Has it been 3 years already? It has indeed. Every time I see him my heartbeat slows, as does time and movement, and yet when I catch myself staring and dreaming time is up and I have to wait another day to see him again.

That's my poison, actually: I see him almost every day and on weekends I see him even longer. His passion for hockey matches mine. What more can I do than scream in my head "I LOVE YOU!", and hope that one day he catches my eyes and reflects the same thought? And he looks more and more gorgeous every time, so that really isn't helping.

My obsession isn't healthy, my gosh I know it isn't. This addiction is going to kill me eventually. The hope of the slimmest of chances that something might happen will crush me. Yet this hope is the most perfect feeling of anticipation. I'm way past butterflies, way past giddiness and definitely way past nervous breakdowns; I'm so far gone that only he can save me.

Haha, I've literally become the damsel and he the unknowing hero. But here's the thing: I can never quite help but assume that he feels something for me too. Even if he doesn't FEEL anything, I know for certain he THINKS about me: Why is she so closed off around me? Why is she always so nervous? Why is her head down as if I'm scolding her? Does she even know what eye-contact is? Goodness gracious me, was that a smile directed at me?

At least I'm taking little steps. Last year I used to scowl at him, now I can smile and sometimes even say hi. Once he asked me how I was doing. I'm not sure I responded, but I sure as hell had a massive smile on my face for the rest of the day. Then the other time he thanked me, which to me means that he noticed me! He saw me do something for him, and I want him to know that I will do anything for him. Absolutely anything. As long as he just asks me.