In Living Memory

3 - The Storm Out There

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Chapter 3

Adam's here. I know, because of the way my dad gives me a weary glance as he stands up from the sofa. I hug my knees to my chest.

I'm sure I hear a, "Why don't we just give him a key?" from him as he exits the room, his feet shuffling lazily. My mother calls, shouting, excitedly, from the kitchen. As she does every time. Because she always thinks he's got news.

The click of the door in the hallway announces his entrance. I'm not even going to bother looking at him when he comes in here - I know he hates me. I don't need reminding.

Standing up. Moving out into the hall. Adam and dad are talking in low voices, nodding. Adam's blond hair is wind-ridden. Strands stick up. A spray of rainwater jumps from his coat as he shrugs it off. Whatever. Not paying him any attention.

"Hi, Ani." A development. We're greeting me now.

I glance over at him. His dark eyes bore into mine as if seeking information.

"Bye, Adam," I reply pleasantly, nodding at my mother as she comes out of the kitchen. I know she'd love to pound me right now. But I'm already taking my coat off its hook, and darting past my father, out into the freezing cold night.

-

I wish I'd brought a scarf. An umbrella would be good too. The storm batters the trees as I walk across the promenade.

Adam is one of the most irritating people who have ever walked this earth. I remember the first time I met him, three years ago. We went to the restaurant down the road, The Bellavista, and for the whole three hours I had to listen to him showing off to my parents about all his achievements, with my sister agreeing with him and going on about how lovely he was. He didn't say a word to me, I didn't speak to him. My dad said to me that night as he came into my room to say goodnight that he was a little too confident, but if he made Carmen happy, then that was all that mattered. My mother on the other hand, just adored the dickhead.

I pull up the collar of my coat as my hair whips my face, and I start to sprint down towards the beach. I head towards the more sandy area, the harsh rain seeping into my pores and chilling me to the bone. I love the rain, because it feels like it cleanses you. It washes the badness off the ground and the trees and when it clears, the sun comes and warms everything up after the land is exfoliated.

These days I don't go anywhere near the place Carmen disappeared from. That was the place that Charlie and I would go and play, and once I broke my arm but it never kept me away. We would be all sorts of things there, and I would always feel like I belonged.

Now I feel so lost. Why? Why do I not belong anywhere anymore, why did Carmen have to affect us like this? Is it the guilt that makes me feel like that, or the fact that without her, maybe I'm nothing?

The raindrops dance on the surface of the ocean, now violent because the sky is sending down such a storm. That is what it was always like - I would become angered and thrash around in front of Carmen when she would send out waves of negativity, like how the sky sends down the rain.

I have to stop thinking of her! Every night, she is the one who chases me through my dreams. She picks at my brain all day. She's the dark grey cloud that hangs over my head every minute of the day and I'm so fucking sick of it!

Out of my anger, I whirl around, jumping over the wall that leads down to the sea. The rocky beach. I run towards the water, suddenly wanting to get lost in the foamy spray, the salty crash of water. I can't even see the moon, it's so dark.