This was never supposed to happen to me, right?
So how did I get to this point where I find it impossible to get you out of my head? And I thought that this was just some bullshit line that seems to be stuck everywhere, but when I get up every morning and you are the first thing that pops up into my head, I find those words the most truthful thing ever said.
And It's not just that, It's every little thing that you said to me, that comes back in some sort of deja vu, or hearing someone talking, but I know that you would have said that same thing better. Even when we fought. Especially when we fought. I used to get so angry with you, so fucking angry. And mostly it wasn't because of the things you said. It was more because you were right, it was because you were always proving me wrong, to the point where I had no choice but to accept, i had no choice because you were right. No one else before or even after you couldn't do that, so why could you? Why did I let you do it? Was it because our opinion only changes when we think that someone's right? Was it because i was blinded by you? Did i even know you? Did you manipulate me?
Because that's what i feared the most about you. I could read people, i could make them do the things I wanted them to, but I never could do that to you. Were you doing that to me? Because that's what i feared most about you. Were you getting off on seeing me get so angry, to the point where i'd lose control and slam the door, and you knew that i hate doing such things. Or maybe when i slammed the door in your face, and you knew i hate doing such things. Or when i threw you out, and you didn't come back for two weeks? Because that's when i feared most for you. And when you came back and I apologized? That's what made the blood freeze in my veins.
And so did many other things.. Remember when we sang Disney songs at 2 in the morning? Bet the neighbours got pissed. Or when we went out for cocktails in the freezing cold and you put your arm around me so i wouldn't fall? Or when we crashed your friends birthday party, on the 14th of February, drunk off our asses, and I slept by your side? I was so happy then, that even being as drunk as I was couldn't stop me from remembering me.
But i shouldn't have done that should I? Because our friends were there and i had gone with your friend before. Bet you couldn't forget that. Remember how that went down? When we got out and we were supposed to meet your friends? Because we had so much fun that night and then it all went to shit. Remember that? Because tequila shots made sure I don't. I remember when we got to the car, and we were arguing all the way to the club? About what? I still can't remember. And when we got there i was angry as fuck, your friend liked me, and i knew it. It was was so easy to just turn around and kiss him. Remember ? Bet you couldn't forget that. And then we went to our winter vocation together. Our friends, me and your friend, and you with us. And then we came back and we continued seeing each other. And that day when we had our first date, you came by. Remember that? I got dolled up and left. Never looked back. Please, forget that.
I was toxic weren't I? But so were you, and you know that. You always talked about the girls you've been with. And they were many. It's not like i couldn't fucking see why. You are fucking gorgeous. And this is coming from the girl who was the blonde blue eyed type. Fuck. They couldn't hold a candle to you. Because i never liked brown eyes, and i saw your pain in them. Because i never liked beards and i liked when yours would scratch a bit. And i liked how you were a lot taller then me, even tho i always said i liked taller guys. And i liked how when your hand wrapped around me i would feel safe, even tho i hated other people hugging me. And i despised how you would make me angry, the same way that i loved you when you let me win at the end.
Was it even genuine or was it all just a game for you? Because I've seen you play that game a million times before. Wow them with looks, hypnotize them with brain, fuck them, dump them. I know how it works pretty well. You told me how it works. You told me how easy it was for me to lure someone in. How to treat them. How to get what i want. How to use them. We both knew i was pretty, and so did others. I used to take that as a fact, and you told me how i can use it as my own survival kit. But that was not what i wanted and you knew it. I wanted someone to like me for my brain, to be interested in my thoughts, in my ideas, in the way i wanted to shape my life. I wanted you to tell me how to find someone like that. You never did. And on my own i have only found one guy that's like that. You.
And just that might be the reason why i can't get you out of my head. Because even when i broke up with my last boyfriend it was you who i couldn't get out of my head. That's why when i found out i was moving out i was hopping that it would help me forget you. And i wanted to end things on good terms with you. When you came by those last few times i didn't wanna argue, and you knew that. And that was when we sat and talked about how damaged we were, how we were wrong, at least i tried to, what we wanted in life, hell the names of our future kids, we talked about aspirations, and what we wanted to achieve in life, how to be happy, how we deserve to be happy. I want you to know that I'll cherish those talks forever.
The last time we saw each other you knew i'd be gone next time. And i knew that you deserve the best in life. And even tho our goodbye wasn't anything special, i did wish that that one day day you'll feel immense happiness. It was all i could ask for you.
We talked to each other on New Years Eve for the last time. You told me we should meet in the new year, and i wished for a new begging for you.
It's been five months since we last heard from each other. I deleted your phone number. I had to. Sometimes i'd get so close to calling you.
I heard that you had a new girlfriend. I do sincerely hope that you are happy with her.
And even tho i never said it your face i want to say thank you. For talking to me, making me happy, making me fell something. Thank you for playing this "more than a game" with me. And thank you for letting me go. Letting go meant not caving into you, and i paid a big price for it. But at the end it was my choice. And the consequence was clear:
In your eyes i won, and in mine i lost you M .
