The Wondrous Tale of Rhinos and Rhinestones

Once upon a time in a wonderful castle full of rhinos (that was made of cotton candy, so not particularly stable), there was a rhino queen by the name of Rhinestone. Or at least that's what her people called her, no one could pronounce her real name, they called her this beacause she was the queenof all rhinosaurouses and was constanly getting stoned.Her lack of real leadership skills aside the people (rhinos) adoared her and she adoared being adoared.

Meanwhile in a not so far off land (but a very different one, in which all of the buildings were made of the bones of your ancestors) there was a vengeful unicorn by the name of Orangutan Orange. He was so angry that he must live in a poverty filled world where his kitchen smelled of corpse, that he decided to tear down all the buildings and create a legion of skeletons. But unfortunately for him, he had never been very good at arts and crafts so it didn't work out too well.

He was still full of rage, however, and he was ready was ready to take on those rhinos all by himself. For far too long he had sat and watched as the rhinos lived their glamorous lives. He decided he was ready to take the world by storm and usurp the Queen. Soon enough he and his dead ancestors would be in control of the Cotton Candy Castle. Well, minus the ancestors. He really sucked at arts and crafts. It was quite pathetic really.

Much to hs dismay, he had to leave behind his adopted sister, an orangutan named Unicorn. She cried for three days and three nights trying to convince him not to go, so he promised her that he would find a wizard to give him ultimate powers so the great rhino soilders would not stomp him to death. Although in reality the reason she was crying was because she liked the Rhino Queen more than her brother. That Queen was just so chill all the time, especially with taxes.

So, great Orangutan (well actually not so great because nobody liked him) went off on a mystical journey to find the wizard and his magical Kiwi of Power. He headed down a long and winding road of roaches. GIven the fact that he was terrified of roaches, this wasn't the best way to begin his quest, especially since there was a shortcut that had no roaches involved. People from far and wide threw tomatoes at him in an attempt to make him shut up and stop screaming. Unfortunately for him, these roaches really liked their tomatoes. It was like a drug to them. 

 After what felt like centuries, he had reached the end of the road and was standing in the Wizards front yard. The Wizard didn't exactly live in a mansion or a castle, in fact he lived in a pathetically small cottage. But at this point, Orangutan didn't care. He was so close, so close to the Wizard and his Kiwi of Power. He trotted forward, ready to lick the aura of power surrounding this great shack, that was kind of..dumpy to say the least. He lifted his hoof to knock on the door, but began to feel like he was falling. He looked down to see that he was, in fact, falling. Into a hole, a bottomless one at that. All of a sudden, a stick came down and pulled him back up. It was the Wizard.

"Thank you your majestic wizardness," said Orangutan awkwardly for he had never spoken to anyone besides Unicorn before. "How can I ever repay you?"

The Wizard thought before replying to Orangutans question, "Leave me alone forever and we will be square."

Orangutan was taken aback, "B-but, I travelled all this way along the Road of Roaches."

"Haven't you ever heard of the main road?" the Wizard looked at him judgingly.

Orangutan was confused, "No...?"

The Wizard sighed and shook his head, "Oh, what do you want useless child?"

"Please, sir. I came all this way for The Kiwi," the unicorn pleaded with big eyes.

The Wizard rolled his eyes, "Oh alright. Wait here and don't touch anything."

Orangutan nodded and watched the Wizard head off into another room. With the Wizard gone, he decided to take a look around this shack of serenity. While it might have been small, and hardly tidy, there was one trinket that caught the unicorns eye. A small, glass iguana, hidden in the back, sitting on top of a human skull. Oragutan moved closer so he could get a better look.

He broke it.

The Wizard returned, "Here's the Kiwi you asked for, now begone you pathetic creature. And don't come back."

Orangutan nodded, grabbed the Kiwi out of the WIzards hands and scurried out the door before the WIzard noticed the fate of his iguana. Right as the door was closing, he could hear the Wizard yelling in random gibberish. For the first time ever, luck was on the unicorns side and he managed to get out of sight before the Wizard could catch up.

Now he began to head off on his journey to the Cotton Candy Castle. Along the way, he bumped into a stranger. He did not think anything of it,but when he went to eat the magnificent Kiwi, all of a sudden it was a bunch of grapes. Orangutan, being a very stupid creature decided that that must be what real Kiwi's looked like and ate it anyway.

He crashed through the doors of the Cotton Candy Castle and bumped into a cute little Rhino page named Slutty Pup who for some reason was wearing a diaper. He quickly realized that this was no ordinary page, this was the Slutty Pup with very irritable bowels. All of a sudden he couldn't think straight, he was all squirrely and twirly and nothing made sense.

He dropped dead. The grapes had been posioned. 

The rhinos (also sufficiently stupid creatures) believed that the brute force of the diaper wearing idiot must have killed that vicious unicorn. Queen Rhinestone missed the whole thing because she had been busy trying out some new weed at her sisters castle. Orangutan's mission had been in vain.

Slutty Pup had a parade held in his honour and when Queen Rhinestone came home she found out of his "great bravery" and made the world rain rhinestones and bought him a bulimic puppy. Slutty Pup and his puppy, Puppy Slut lived happily ever after. The plumbers of the world, not so much.

The End