It started out slow. My heart was cautious, so afraid to feel again. It had been broken, put back together, and broken again. For a while, I thought my heart wouldn't be able to love at all. I thought I had experienced everything I could when it came to the heart, but I had never felt love, not the kind so many people crave.
Not the kind that was bright but died fast. Not the kind that was bright and lived a while. Not the kind for a lover. I had felt the platonic love that one has for a friend, as well as the love one has for a sibling or parent, but those kinds of loves are different from the loves of a lover. Those were different from the ones I had wanted since I was a child.
It started out slow. They came into my life by chance, and we became friends. It all started with just a few simple words, but those words changed me forever. There was nothing more between us than friendship for a while. We talked all the time, called every night, made many stupid jokes and laughed a lot.
When we got more comfortable with each other, we started talking about ourselves. Our past, our friends, our lives. We talked about what we wanted in the future. We talked about what made us happy and what made us sad.
I enjoyed spending time with them, and I realized that maybe I had felt something more. I pushed it off for a while, too afraid to admit it. We kept growing closer, listening to music together, creating funny nicknames for each other, and talking into the darkest hours of the night. When I finally stopped telling myself I only thought of them as a friend, our worlds collided like two stars crashing into each other. Suddenly they were mine, and I was theirs.
They made my heart flutter, they made me smile anytime I saw them. They made me feel like a raging inferno, and they made me shine bright like the sun. They made me calm like the water on a lake. They were a gentle wind, but also a strong gust. They made my heart beat faster with their words and actions, but made it slow with the sound of their voice. They made me feel a happiness I had never felt before. I had never met someone like that before, and it changed me.
They challenged me to be a better person, and I wanted to be a better person for them. I wanted to make them just as proud and as happy as they made me. Even with this new found happiness, I was still cautious, afraid to fall too early and let my heart get broken yet again. However, their words, their actions, and my drive to be a better person and give them the world, finally allowed me to let down my guard and fall for them.
And so I fell.
I fell for them completely. The way they laughed and the sound of their voice. Their jokes and their teasing. The way they looked when they smiled, and the way they looked when they frowned. I fell for how much they cared for their friends and how much they wanted to make everyone happy. They gave everyone around them all they could, always looking out for those they cared about most. They have a beautiful heart, and always will. That is something I now strive to have, to help people when and where I can.
They weren't perfect, of course. They had their flaws, everyone does. But the flaws made me fall even more, because they showed just how human and real they were.
Then we had our first argument. It was hard, and a lot of things were said. We grew apart and then back together. No relationship is perfect, that I know. There will always be arguments, fights, frustration, and anger. The true test is whether or not we can stick together. We did stick together for a time, and it felt like it lasted much longer than it actually did.
In the end though, I suppose it wasn't meant to be. I gave them everything I could, I poured my heart into it. They were a hurricane, and I was a tree. They blew me away with their kindness, but sucked me back in with their words. I felt high and free in their winds, but they could only hold me for so long. Then I was sent flying far, far away, to settle among the stars. Only a memory of how bright I had been.
They made -make- me proud. I am proud of who they are; their heart, their kindness, their mind. Even their flaws and their shortcomings. I am proud to say I once called them mine, even if I can no longer claim them.
So many people hate on those they once cared about, simply because they are an ex and we have stereotyped all ex's to be horrible people.
This one wasn't and never will be that horrible person. They helped me grow. All I wish for them is the best, because they deserve the best. I may not have been the best for them because there may have been something missing I could not give, but one day they will find someone that will fill all the holes.
They deserve to be happy, everyone does.
And as I go on with my life, I will remember everything they taught me and gave me. I will remember them, I will remember us. I will always remember my first real love until the day I die.
And if I do get married one day, I'll be sure to invite them to my wedding.
And directly to them, I say this:
I will always love you,
Farewell.
~~~~~~
I wrote this over a year and a half ago, when my heart still ached for you. I will always care about you. You did have an impact in my life. I will always be there if you need me. Some of these words and sentences I would change if I could, but how could I change something that came from the heart in a time of hurt? It would be unfair to not only you, but for my past self too.
My heart is in a better place, and I'd like to think that despite how things had gone all that time ago, you wish me the best with the new love I have in my life. I wish you the best of luck in yours. Follow that new dream of yours.
