Lost And Found - A Trubute To Those Lost To Suicide

Deena's Story

I never thought love or life would ever be this trying. But I'm beyond fed up. I'm not quite sure what I'm more done with- people or myself. But I'm fucking fed up. I feel like my whole life has been one, big "in dedication of" sequel to some bullshit novel by some unknown troubled writer. Because all I've done with my life is be there for others. Constantly and consistently giving and giving even when I didn't have shit to give. And you know the thanks I get-none. I can't even come home to a clean house. All I get to come home to is some ain't shit guy who does nothing but eat, sleep, and shit all day. Our kids- well my kids, 'cuz he certainly didn't help raise them, they don't even come around anymore.

I hate myself for dedicating the best years of my life to everyone other than the person who deserved them the most. Me. I should've said "fuck off" and went missing. I should've pursued that dream to travel the world. I should've went to the Air-force. I should've left and never came back to this fucked up city. But I took care of everybody. That's just what Deena did. I took care of everybody and was always the peacemaker and the lover and the fighter. But I get absolutely nothing but bullshit and lies in return. I've prayed. I've repented. I've read and prayed every last Psalm possible. I decided if nothing else someone else could use my useless shell for some good; my I.D is next to my toilet along with the paperwork for the house. You can have it. If the kids ask, tell them it was accidental. I hope if nothing else I was at least a good enough mother to them. Shit, I'm desperately praying so. The news it'll be rough at first- kinda a hard pill to swallow, no puns intended but they were raised strong. Tell Pheobe she always made me proud the way she never gave up on school despite our financial issues. such a resourceful, determined kid, ya' know? Tell Izrael he's gonna be great; and I MEAN THAT! DON' T EVER GO A SINGLE MORNING WITHOUT TELLING HIM HE'S A KING IN THE MAKING AND THAT HIS QUEEN, well HA, I guess my crown fell. Bruce, I hope you find true happiness without me. I always knew about the mistress. She called. We chatted, very nice girl. beautiful daughter. Not much more to say about that. Just, don't let Pheobe find out. Not quite sure how she would handle that, nonetheless this. So, I guess this is the part where I tell you've I've been planning this for a while. Therapy- that shit is eh, ya' know? It helped but there's no solution for sadness. It's no cure for this disease. Turning a blind eye to the many love affairs and 3am "business meetings", just can't take anymore sweet nothings. Thanks for the kids, they were the best thing out of this. But I'm done forgiving. And my heart and I are done with your constant disappointment and infidelity. I want to wake up and smile at my life. I wanna look at my love and know that it wasn't in vain. I want to ponder over the many accomplishments of my life. But I can't do that. I have no life. All our love life is comprised of is just a garden of weeds and something that "could've been beautiful". And every accomplishment was short lived or seen as something " I could've did better in". So, this is me throwing in the towel. I quit this life shit. Some people get that silver lining o their playbook.

Mine couldn't even get a paper cover and a bind for my story- just a bunch of random pages and dreams. So I tip my hat off to you. Whoever finds me- if anyone even cares to look for my ass, I'll be face down somewhere drowning in an aztec coctail- vodka in one hand and Oxys, Tylenol 3s, and Seroquel in the other. Do me one favor if you can ; at least do that much, be a good enough man to make our son a better one than you were to me. I know deep down somewhere you got it in ya'. Do whatever with the stocks. Make sure Pheobe's tuition is covered, and keep our son on the chest team. And don't stop playing with him.

See ya' on the other side,

Deena