The Battle Inside

That Day

I've made many mistakes. 

Hundreds, thousands, millions.

Though I have to say, the worst one is being too selfless.

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I miss it.

That feeling that you gave me- that you still give me.

The way my heart speeds up when you stand near me, the way I can't think straight when I look back to that day.

That damn day.

The day my lips touched yours.

The day I figured out that love is a drug within itself. No amount of weed or alcohol could make my head spin faster than you. 

I had been planning it for a while. Waiting for the perfect moment to surprise us both.

Then the opportunity came finally.

I pulled you to a secluded area to hide from the eyes that pry for any rumor that could be spread. You asked what was happening, your big doe-eyes questioning mine. As an answer, I gently cupped your face and captured your lips with mine without a second thought; my heart exploding with a myriad of colors and emotions. 

I had shocked you and myself. It felt liberating, my face burning in excitement and body heated from holding you so close to me. The tenderness and care I felt toward you multiplied.

All too soon it was over. Feeling myself going past cloud nine, I pulled away. The fear of ruining anything by going fast pulling me from your chapped lips.

After a few seconds, your innocent eyes opened - astonished and glazed. Your face held so much embarrassment from inexperience, it reached a pale pink rose. 

So... perfect.

I felt drawn to you, I wanted more, I needed more, I craved more.

I crave you.

It was then on that I had the urgency to protect you- my rose.

With my head spinning, I smiled at your awkwardness. My attempts at keeping a cool and solid composure succeeding, earning me a deeper shade of pink. You smiled goofily, making my foolish heart flutter, few words were exchanged and then we went our separate ways.

Skipping down the steps, I was quick to get it off my chest. The giddiness I felt needed to be shared with someone else I loved.

So I told her.

How upset she was, I cannot describe.

"I like him."

Those words. Those. Three. Damn. Words. They were enough to ensure misery on me for the rest of my year.

Unspoken before, unsaid before, not once muttered within the time period of this year. 

They were enough to shatter my hopes and dreams. The longing I felt to experience that electricity with him again was crushed.

Don't hurt her.

"Have him," I said.

What are you doing? 

"I don't like him that much," 

What?! NO! Why are you lying?!! Why do you always lie?!

She should be happy, you're no good.

"Are you sure?" She asks

"... Yes."

My brain and heart were at war. Constantly throwing bullets and low blows at each other.

NONONONO! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!

Why ruin what he can have? You're no good. She's perfect. You are all the things he doesn't want. Besides, he likes her.

It was then that I opened my eyes. I saw the signs.

How he tried to be near her at every chance.

Attempted to do things she approved of.

Attempting to make her smile-

He was doing all the things I tried to do with him. All the things I longed for him to do for me.

My world came crashing down.

My heart raced. Not with love but with anxiety, depression, and betrayal.

My brain also was unnerved, questioning how I have allowed this to happen?

"I like her, how can I be with her?"

He asked.

Don't fight the pain. 

I helped.

Anything for his happiness.

"Be yourself."

Anything to make him smile.

"You don't have to change, you're perfect."

Anything to see his eyes sparkle.

"Just ask her out, she will say yes."

Anything for my rose.

Even at my expense.