(Discontinued)

Part 23 - Random 04

Life is so expensive to the point where you are lucky to have all the basics. And that's not what life should be it should be experiencing things. But you can't when you don't even own your car or house nowadays cause you are still paying it off. And that's not what I want for myself but I have no idea where to start.

Wanting to live your best life is scary when you don't even know what you're working for

I hate restrictions because I've always loved adventures and experiences and making new memories and to have those money helps so that's why I feel so pressured by myself as I care what I think of myself and I want to be happy with my career which is why I got confused with YouTube as I was like this can get me money which told me I was starting it for the wrong reasons anyway expecting to be famous but can also get me to meet my favourite ones. And that's when I stopped an thought am I doing this cause I want to or am I doing it because everyone else has been sucked into the idea and I want to be friends with my favourite youtubers.

And that's why I envy you tubers
They get it quite young
They do what they love
It gets them experiences
Gets them money
Gets them to meet people
All whilst doing a career they enjoy and that is why everyone's going after it now which makes it harder to even get noticed.

I just wanna meet all the youtubers I watch and go on holiday with them and do a video with them... oh and have my own merch that would be cool. And attend the met gala. And have a documentary about me (like a this is us)

I would just love to be someone that people and teens look up to.
To be an idol and have fan accounts
To get people to meet each other
To actually be known for something.
But could I live it?

And it's also the YouTube like it gets rubbed in my face about living your dreams and working hard and I hate motivational quotes cause it's like haunting me that I'm procrastinating before I can try because I'm prettified to fail.

Wanting to try so I have no regrets but not trying incase I fail. Cause if I try something I really want and fail it would destroy me. But at the same time failure is good cause it can be where you try again but I don't wanna try again I want it first time. I want quick results like that. But at the same time I wanna earn it.

It is fear

I'm scared shitless cause I'm not comfy and I know that I'll regret not trying anything , but I'm scared. And I hate being scared cause I've got an ego and I never wanna be seen to be one who gives up cause they're scared. But I am. And it restricts me and I can't stop it

It's cause my careers are in the public eye. And young people are doing it. And I'm still young but I'm not confident enough in how I look

I don't want regrets but can I handle the bad sides of all the things I want ?

And just to experience things like being a reality tv star just I want to experience things but not live them. But all the things I wanna experience you have to graft a lot at so I would I be able to stick to it just to have the experience of it ? Or nahhhh ☺️☺️☺️☺️

So many bucket list things

I just want experiences and adventures

It's like when I'm most vulnerable or I fail insecurities and things attack me. It's like my dreams attack me and the fear of never getting them but as I see my dreams could change as I get older and it's not always as it seems