My Scarred Heart

May 10, 2018

To the 1st guy I truly & sincerely fell in love with:

I know it's been ages yet still here I am writing another letter for you. I long knew you never & would never feel the way I used to feel for you. And I would like to emphasize, Used to. Sure I still feel something for you. I guess no matter how hard I try & consider it as nothing, still at the end of the day, it is something, you are something to me. But things just don't have to stay they were forever right? I still feel something for you but certainly not in the same intensity as I used to feel for you in the past. Yes, you're still someone who could mess my mind sometime but I already learned to shrug & push everything aside after a few moments. I've also very much engraved in my mind & heart the fact that there was never & would never be an us. I long gave up on such fantasy. Sure I imagine things about us for a while but only to at least feel something fluttering inside me for a while. You see, after you, I no longer had any chance to feel those kind of feelings I used to feel for you. Sure I had crushes after you but it was never comparable to those times I spent with you. I'm not sure why it felt like that but maybe because there simply had been no other guy who got the same guts as you to play around with me & my feelings. I think guys thought I was pretty easy to get that's why they don't find any interest in me. See how boring my romantic life is after you? Can you finally see why I'm so stuck up with you?
I know there is no chance for us and I'm certainly sure there would never be even in the future but please just allow me to cling unto you just until I find him or he finds me, whichever comes first. I promise I won't be a bother. Just for the mean time, please allow me to feel a bit more human with these emotions I get from loving you in my own way.