Far From Reality

loneliness

Blood ,battles,fights,or death can't be such bad as being lonely . I hate it so much that always try to run away but it just doesn't let me go ..... So I hide within crowd as long as I can . I wear a mask to hide myself from it . But it just won't let go . Sometimes I want to end it all but I just can't.  What if even then , it won't let go . I am not sad , not angry, I am not
anything, I'm not myself , just a grain of sand floating in the sea . Waiting, wondering if I will find  rest . On land or at the bottom I just keep floating an eternal journey . Nowhere . I won't breathe for long since I discovered it. Loneliness is dangerous, it's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is you don't wanna deal with people . My heart is dying... my light is fading . I am sitting in my dark room ... again .... crying , nobody knows it. I am smiling in front of other people even if they hurt me . I don't really talk about it . Because if I do...they will move away from me . So I pretend that it was just a joke . Nothing serious . But I am still trying ... I will try forever again and again until I'll get it . I am walking now on a bridge and just thinking how fast my life has gone by . As I come to the edge of this road .... not alive but not totally dead . Wondering where my spirit goes from here . It's gone ......everything . There is no hope for me to do something I used to love .
When I cannot dream anymore can I say that I have purpose?
When I have lived so much can I find the truth ?
When I have felt sadness and pain can I say that I know what life means ?
When music is played can I hear my soul ?
I am sure that when the time comes I'll know . As I closed my eyes , laying in death bed . I thought I'd seen haven or paradise ... But there was nothing . No not sadness .... not disappointment,  not fear .
Nothing .
If this is my destiny I'll accept it .
But I heard something . I walked closer to it . Closer and closer . It was a long way . I felt like .... it leds nowhere. The sky was a mix of dark and grey with a tint of black . There was some light but not much . This place looked like it was void of all life . I looked to the sky and saw birds . Dark,black birds .
They were as lifeless as they could be . As if they were a reminder of everything I found beautiful, everything I wanted to be. Only to be crushed by the reality of the society and it's cruel ways .
This is how I die.
Spending an eternity reflecting on my life .
This thought should've made me sad.
But I felt nothing
Death is really peaceful
And this what you call loneliness,
This is loneliness's way to make you death .

I discovered all of this while I was listening to music :"when words fails music speaks "