love is a killer and im dying for you | KSI

I

sitting in the kitchen of the famous sidemen house made me think a few things. all thoughts somehow including or trailing back to a certain member. being the only body in the large room allowed me to look around and envision all the cliché, rom-com inspired couple-ly things we could be doing: him hugging me from the back while i help wash up, us having a flour fight as we cook cakes, both dancing around singing to the radio. them thoughts would always put a big smile on my face, the what ifs and imagine ifs were always my favourite. not so much the reality.

the truth of it all was pretty simple. i liked him, he possibly could like me. but nothing with feelings involved is ever that black and white. 'our past experiences ruin the future experiences'.

yet, for me. 23 years old, still a virgin, never kissed anyone, 2 relationships later, am so petrified of sharing me with another. don't get me wrong, being in a relationship would be amazing, sitting in this kitchen helped me released that. but everything else with it, ill pass: the thought of someone being sappy and lovey-dovey makes me outwardly shiver, the thought of having sex and someone seeing something only i have for 20-odd years is terrifying.

i tend to think about the sexual side of relationships a lot. i guess thats why im so scared of it all, ive lived it up to be this huge thing, when it's probably not even that bad. i have a habit of seeing myself in the situation where im having sex - always with the same person - and its this outer body experience that is very awkward and lowkey cringe.

my past 2 relationships were actually good. there was absolutely nothing wrong with them. number 1, absolutely perfect but i ended it from some split second decisions then that somehow messed me up. the second, that was to try and see if i liked relationships or not, i thought i loved the person but every time he tried to make a move, it was a definite no. later conforming relationships were a no from me.

i took a sip from the tea i had made, my thinking had turned it ice cold. "ah! oh my god" i grunted, loud enough so only people just outside the room could hear, getting up and tipping it down the sink.

"you good y/n?" josh queried, making me jump, as he walked through.

"yah" i sighed "my tea got cold, was all" i smiled spinning around to grab the empty kettle and fill it.

"whyre you in here on your own? jj was wondering where you got off to"

dodging the question, "oh, hes done filming already?" i looked over at josh, trying to hide the involuntary smile on my face - josh, tobi and simon are the ones who had guessed about my thing for jj but because i never said yes or no, they keep their thoughts to themselves when the rest are about or share them when its only me/them.