Thoughts

Thoughts (english)

"'Conor, I love you!' he said. Just like that. I replied: 'I love you, too' and moved even closer to him that I already was. I leant against his side and he had put his arm around my waist and his hand lay on my stomach. I fumbled around with his hand and I felt how he combed my hair with his fingers and buried his face in it."

"He smelt so good, a bit of sun, a bit of cigarettes and a lot of himself. I loved that scent. When we were on tour I was craving for it every night, I always wished and wanted that he would come to me, lie next to me, that I could feel his warm and soft body close to mine, that I could smell him, and of course, that I could give him the comfort he needed. And then, one night it became clear to me that this meant more to me than just being a good friend for him."

"He said, he wished to be closer to me and that the love and affection he felt for me meant more than friendship. He was in love with me, he wanted to be with me, he said."

„He sat up and turned around to face me. 'Why do you say this to me?' he asked. Although I could sense very well what was going on inside him I did not dare to estimate the feelings and thoughts that worked inside him in that moment. Was he angry with me? Disappointed? Did I hurt him? For sure. Or was he surprised? I was too excited to read it in his face."

„I was not sure how to deal with his confession. I looked at his face, deep into his eyes. I could see a mix of relief and happiness, that he finally came up with it, but also sadness and fear how I might react and how this all would affect our friendship, our lives. Usually he was the confident and funny one that needed to comfort me and to build up me. But now it was him who was helpless and needed comfort, needed to be held."

"He put a hand on my cheek. Promptly tears welled up in my eyes. I don't cry often, this time it was pure relief to have told him about my feelings, but also the fear that he could push me away and disappear from my life that made me cry. I tried to look away, but I could not take my eyes from his sweet face and searched in his warm and loving eyes for an answer."

"I knelt before him. We sat on the floor so I was taller than him now. I held his face that was wet with tears. I tried to remember when it was the last time I had seen him crying. It hurt me. I pulled him closer to me, I laid my arms around him. His face on my chest, I could feel him sobbing and his tears soaked into my shirt. He put his arms round my waist and held on to me. I felt his warmth and smelt his hair. I loved this, I needed this, more than I would admit to myself. It gave me comfort when we were on tour and a feeling of home, more than actually being at home did. I knew I had the best girlfriend in the world. She was smart, pretty and I loved her with all my heart. She was there for me when times were tough, she gave me help and advice and showed me how good and easy life could be. But I realized that I, when at home, was more eager to go back on tour, spend as much time as possible with them, especially with the one person that was so close now, physically and emotionally. I didn't want to go home to my girlfriend. I wanted to stay here. If only I could stay forever! I had never thought about men in another way than as friends, and I had some really close friends, but this was different. This was the sweetest person I knew, the best and most beloved friend I had who made me complete and knew me better than I knew myself."

"I still felt weak and insecure. I could feel how thoughts and feelings worked inside his head. I was sure he would try to find excuses or simply walk away. Then he freed himself from my embrace, cupped my face with his hands and whispered: 'Me, too, Dom, I love you, too. Let us be together.' Then he kissed me long and gently, like no one had ever done before. We didn't move for a couple of minutes. It had become cold and dark outside, so we went inside. We got ready for bed. We didn't talk that much. Only kisses and touches. We fell asleep quite fast, hand in hand."

"I woke up first. He was so peaceful and just lovely lying in his sheets. I examined his black hair, his lightly tanned skin, his facial features I knew so well ... but it was like seeing him for the first time. What a handsome man he was! Have I ever recognized this before?"

"I felt watched and opened my eyes. We lookedinto each other's eyes and I took his hand. 'Good morning, Dom, my darling,' hesaid, 'this is going to be the first day of a new life. Our new life!'"