I need you

Hard Day's Night

"I've tried to be here for you. As a colleague, as a friend... and..." He spoke softly as he walked closer to her, his eyes fixed on hers. "What are you doing here? If you were gonna leave, then getting shot was the perfect out. So what changed your mind? Fletch paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Who are you doing this for? Is it Hanson, Raf, Valentine ...yourself? I mean..."

"I don't understand what you want from me Fletch" Jac replied sadly, her eyes fixed on his face, not daring to break the look.

"I know" he said, his hand passing to the back of his neck in that gesture she had seen so many times before. He broke away first, turned and picked up the two mugs from the table. As he walked towards the door he turned back to face her. "Look, about Saturday. I think we should just put a pin it in. Let's keep this professional."

Jac nodded as he turned again and left. She stood for some time looking at the chair where he had sat. She didn't want to move.

Fletch took the mugs to the kitchen area before returning his office. He sat briefly at the desk, remembering only earlier his reckless idea to order a pizza to share with Jac. His shock when she had agreed. How right it had felt, sitting with her in her office swapping stories about the kids. The date, fixed for Saturday. And the fact that she had said yes. Okay, so it was just the zoo, with the kids, but Jac Naylor would never agree to shared domestic bliss with Adrian Fletcher. As he picked up his coat, he remembered that the last time he held it was when he had returned to Jac's office, seen her stood there eating the remaining piece of pizza she had refused earlier. The moment when he had reached over and touched her face.

Fletch shook his head, trying to remove the feeling as it swept over him again. It was no good. He loved her. So much that it hurt. Seeing her every morning was the best part of his day. Back in her office he had wanted to take her in his arms, to hold her tight, to keep her there. But instead he had made some comment about getting changed. The truth was, he had to think of his kids. He couldn't bring someone else into their lives until he was sure that there was no risk of them leaving. Not after Natalie. Not after Raf. He needed her to be sure of him too.

Fletch slowly put on his coat, grabbed his files and left the office. As he walked through back through Darwin he heard his name. He turned to see Essie walking towards him.

"Fletch. I'm so sorry. Did you speak to her?" Essie smiled at him uncertainly.

"Yeah"

" And?"

Fletch paused for a moment. In those last few hours everything had become so clear to him. He wasn't prepared to let Jac go. He couldn't switch of his feelings just like that, and he knew that, deep down, she had feelings for him. But had she worked that out herself? He glanced over to the the nurses station, where Jac sat at the computer terminal. He wasn't going to rush her. He loved her too much for that. This wasn't about now. This was about forever. Forcing his gaze away, he returned Essie's smile. "And everything's as it should be," he replied, before walking away.

******

"You're my favourite person, you know that?" Jac could hear the words, over and over again. The voice was that of the wife of the transplant patient she had so successfully treated hours earlier, but the face was that of Fletch.

She turned over in bed, rearranging the pillows with unnecessary force. "Why are you still here Jac?" She could see him so clearly, like he was right in front of her. "Who are you doing this for?" Deep down she knew the answer, but she still didn't want to admit it to herself. Admit that she needed him, that she couldn't get through each day without him.

That day. The day she wrote the letter. The day that Frederick... The day she sent the text. She knew that was the closest she came to telling him how she felt. But she also knew that she was trying to run away. To leave, to take Emma, and to get away from Adrian Fletcher, from the way he made her feel. She had her story planned. To thank him for helping her see what was really important. For being a friend. And to tell him, categorically, that... that... what was she going to tell him? Had she really thought beyond the first part of the conversation?

Tonight in theatre he had asked her outright. "Is it true you were going to quit?" She had deflected her answer and when he had questioned her further she had, in true Jac Naylor style, thrown him out of her operation. She couldn't have that conversation. Not there. Not then. And did she even know what the answer was anymore?

Jac threw back the covers of the bed. It was no good. Sleep evaded her again. As she sat up her hand went instinctively to her side as pain coursed through her body again. Breathing slowly, she stood up and walked across the room towards the bedroom door. Shouldering her robe, she opened the door quietly, not wanting to disturb Emma from her sleep. As she passed almost silently down the stairs she tried to ignore the unwelcome sensation in her side as the pain began to increase. However, by the time she reached the lounge, waves of nausea forced her to lie down on the sofa. If she was the doctor, she would have advised her patient to take time to let their body heal, not to return to work too soon, not to do too much. But she was Jac Naylor, cardiothoracic consultant and Holby needed her. At least this was what she had told herself, over and over again. That was why she couldn't leave. Holby needed her. She wasn't yet ready to admit that she needed Holby. The smell, the noise, the people. The person. As she lay there, Fletch's face came into view again with incredible clarity. So close, almost touching her's. She closed her eyes. "Let's keep this professional." Those last words stung her. Well, that was fine. Professional. That's exactly what Jac Naylor was. Professional was not a problem. Was it?