Restraint is Useless Here

Chapter Five

He won't hurt me.

Anna recognized this was a gamble, but kept a straight face as she wrung her hands behind her back.

After she'd (not) convinced Maria that no eye-sex has transpired between she and Brian, Anna had retreated to the restroom to compose herself and to make certain her neck was adequately concealed from prying eyes. She felt exposed, both by Brian noticing her attention and Maria's all-too-accurate observation of Jack. Fake it till you make it. And she would make it. After splashing water on her face and sealing up the cracks in her smile, she exited the bathroom, ready to close the book on this evening. A warm body fell into stride with her the moment she'd emerged and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Jack.

"Let's get some fresh air?" he suggested, his long fingers wrapping around her arm with enough to pressure to remind her the choice was only an illusion.

A dance track boomed from the speakers outside the hallway and there was no chance of catching the attention of anyone she knew; luckily, Maria rounded the corner to bring a tub of empty glasses to the dishwasher, narrowly avoiding a collision. Anna locked eyes with her as Maria's darted between the two, obviously sensing the tension. The opportunity to escape this scenario, to escape Jack, stood right in front of her. With Maria standing witness, Anna could confess the nightmare she'd endured the past months, marring her skin and marring her heart. And yet, if something happened to Jack as a result of her abandoning him during the most crucial point in his career, in his life, she knew she'd never forgive herself.

"Quick break, okay?" said Anna through a tight smile, holding up her thumb and forefinger to show just how little the break would be—and how little she wanted to go. Jack's grip tightened, perhaps a show of affection, but more likely a reminder for her to act every bit of the happy girlfriend.

"10 minutes." Maria's dark eyes flashed to Jack's, assessing his charming smile in typical Maria fashion. She cocked her head, never one to fall prey to bullshit. "No. 5 minutes. We're slammed in here."

Jack's smile never wavered as he ushered Anna toward the door, digging his fingertips into her side. Once the metal door snapped shut, his curse ripped through the alley, his agony ricocheting against the metal wall of a massive garbage bin to their south, forming an echo chamber. And potentially a dungeon.

This air is hardly fresh, she thought, a lighthearted attempt at keeping her dread from devouring her whole.

Anna held her finger to her lips curtly for him to lower his voice. This was her place of employment and, relationship drama be damned, she was respected here. She refused to be the subject of ridicule. Arms crossed and feet firmly planted into the dilapidated gravel surface, she met his accusatory stare. "What's the matter, Jack?"

"I saw you. God, you were just relishing in it," he spat, though maintaining a respectful volume. "Am I not enough? I came here to surprise you"—surprise, indeed—"and see you practically throwing yourself at some spiky-haired asshole."

She stood taller than that crippling day in her bedroom, emboldened by the fact that Maria would have security on high alert sooner than Anna could cry out. Truly, Maria might be more terrifying. Jack paced frantically, his restraint teetering, but holding. His strides kicked loose gravel forcefully enough to strike the blue dumpster, tiny bullets meant for her, she imagined. Fingers intertwined behind his neck, then moved up, tugging at his hair—shaggier than she remembered—as if attempting to pull out the rational part of his brilliant mind. I know you're in there, Anna thought, letting a prayer slip up to whomever was granting prayers these days.

Deep breath. "You're under a lot of pressure," she placated, reminding herself there were over a hundred people on the other side of the metal door. "You're busy, you're not sleeping. But this is my livelihood. Interaction with the general public is part of what I do—that includes men. I can't just quit my job and sit around your apartment all day, waiting for you to come home after long hours of clinical. That's not who I am. It's completely unrealistic and you know it. Financially, we would drown. It's temporary and we will overcome this. As for the bar? Those were Val's friends! I'm not going to..." She pinched the bridge of her nose, invoking her calm. "Whatever you think you saw...Jack, this is tiresome. What is this thing we're doing? Because this is not 'Jack and Anna' anymore." Her voice broke with the emphasis, mourning the loss of something once so effortless.

Raising his head toward the sky, anguish painted his features. Then, a barely audible lament. "The way you looked at him. You don't look at me like that anymore." A gentle breeze made its way through the alley, brushing Jack's hair away from his eyes to reveal a weary, defeated expression. "Anna, I have been a total monster lately and what I've done... it's inexcusable. I don't know where it's coming from and I don't know how to stop it. This level of pressure... it's insurmountable. I've never know anything like this before. No matter how much effort I put into this—the studying, the hospital rounds—there's always another hoop to jump through, another fucking mountain looming in the distance. I am killing myself to keep up." He scrubbed his palms over his eyes and Anna found herself noticing lines creasing his downturned mouth that weren't there before.

"And if that's not enough... I see my classmates and some of their lives have been destroyed. Their marriages are falling apart, their children miss mom and dad. And the affairs, my God. These people are my friends—hell, my only friends these days—and I'm watching their existences crumble. And for what? Because we want to heal others. We want to fix people and save lives, but at what cost? Who is saving us?" His hand rubbed at his nose and he sniffed, trembling with the maelstrom of emotions he grappled.

"I'm here," she breathed, heart constricting to witness such torment. Stepping toward him, she extended her hand to cup his cheek, stubble pricking her palm. He placed his hand over hers, leaning into her touch. "I can't save you, Jack, but I can be here. Please let me."

With this, Jack pulled her to his chest, resting his chin upon the top of her head. She was comforted and surrounded by his familiar scent: salt skin from the heat of California, a hint of his cologne, and an unfamiliar, antiseptic smell.

Anna realized the foolishness of staying with this man concealing the beast who'd unleashed himself so violently. But seeing the state of his grief and desperation, she, too, wanted more than anything to help and heal him. This broken man and their broken love would be her downfall, but as his arms enveloped her in the dismal alley light, she held onto these shards of their love, this tragedy, this hope for things that were and are and were to come.

Just then, a loud explosion rattled through the alley. Without a second thought, Jack launched himself on top of Anna, forcing them to the ground and shielding her body with his. Air compressed from her lungs from the weight of him as every nerve was set ablaze, she closed her eyes tightly, bits of loose gravel tearing into her palms and cheek as she braced herself.