Societies Ignorance

Societies ignorance~1

Empty bottles and stained razors. Broken skin and bloody tissue. This is what I go through; constant bullying puts me through so much that the only escape routes that I can find are what others consider horrible.

 It helps though; some days I consider just digging deeper and letting my only friend take me away. Everyone tells me to kill myself, but the only thing holding me back is fear of the unknown. Life is hard for me. Why? I'm different from everyone in my school in Arkansas. My name is Elizabeth, but my birth name is Jackson, and I am transsexual.

One deep breath after another, I build up the courage to walk through the doors of this damn ignorant high school. I'm at least thirty minutes late for class, but I need to do this. I push the doors open and am greeted by silence. Perfect. I walk by the front office and the desk lady calls for me. I walk in and she asks, "Are you a new student?"

I smile and shake my head, "No it's me Jackson; I'm transexual."

Her face turns into disgust. Twisting and turning with each wrinkle becoming more predominant: "I think you should change into some proper clothing."

My smile falters but I try to keep it up. "There isn't anything against me wearing these clothes; they are within regulation of the dress code. Have a nice day."

I walk out quickly of the run-down somewhat-ghetto highschool and take a deep breath. This is going to be harder than I thought. I walk to my first class, open the door, and everyone's eyes are on me. I freeze on the spot till the teacher speaks up. "Are you new? I wasn't notified of a new student."

I shake my head and walk near her and whisper in her ear, "It's me, Jackson, but I go by Elizabeth now."

She turns to me looks up me up and down with a foul look and says, "Go to your seat....Jackson." My legs turn to stone, and I look to the class. All I can see is hate--nothing else.

Well, I did see something else. It was disgust. I quickly go to the back of the class, three letters written in sharpie and large enough to see from space: "FAG." I swallow a whimper, sit down, cover it up with paper, and draw. That is the only thing I am good at. I love art; most of mine is dark, but it's all I feel right now.

With each stroke of the pencil I felt the world slowly go quiet, disappearing into the back of my mind as I drew a field blanketed with exotic flowers and many insects that enhanced the beauty of the many colored flowers that was stamped on the paper of my wooden tools.

After a good thirty minutes of spacing out I get the urge to pee, so I raise my hand. "What is it...Jackson," she looks at me bored.

"May I use the restroom," I flatly ask the floor. She sighs and sucks her teeth and takes her time writing out the pass. I stop between the guys' and girls' bathroom and the anxiety kicks in, so I just go into the guy's bathroom. I go to the big stall and sit down; then I just breakdown. I start sobbing and gripping my hair and letting go of all my restraints. Not giving two shits about who hears me. I needed this.

I never went back to class; luckily I had my bag with me. I walk off campus a few hours before the bell rang signaling the end of school. I'm not that far from school, so it's an easy walk. I creep up on my house and I see that my step father is gone. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding. I climb up to my window and crawl through. As I look through my room I see it was trashed again in a rage from him.

It's just John and I, ever since my mother died. He blames me, abuses me, starves me. I don't know how he can do all these things sober. He is just naturally filled with hate for me. I change into some sweats and a baggy shirt and lay down. I stare up and the pale blue ceiling and start to cry again. I miss her so much. She was my world and I couldn't save her.

*Flashback*

"Mom?" My mom went downstairs and she told me to stay in my room. I heard some noise so I wanted to make sure she is okay. I walked down the step and this smell hits me like a rock to the head. Blood. I jump the last few step and I see her face down in a pool of her own blood and I just dropped to my knees. No sobs, no screaming, I just sit there on my knees staring at the sight of my mother's cold dead body.

I hear heavy foot steps lurk behind me but I'm to focused on my mothers body to care. That was when he grabbed me by my hair. 

"Lets go upstairs faggot" he snarls.

I start screaming at the top of my lung "No let me go! I want to stay with Mom!"

He ignores my cries and drags me to my room. When he walks in with me right behind since he is dragging me he throws me to my bed. I attempt to run our but he pins me to my bed and rips my clothes off.  He flips me to my stomach and then proceeds to rape me. 

He tore open my rear end so bad I needed to go to the hospital. They didn't ask any questions they just patched me up and let me go on my way. That night I learned there was no hope for me. 

*End Of FlashBack*

I jump up at the sound of the front door being slammed. I quickly get up and go to my bedroom door and lock it before he can get to me. I get back to my bed and cover myself, waiting for him to get to the door. At the first thump I can feel the vibrations through the floors. Two, three thumps later, the door knob wiggles and then he shakes the door,

"Open this door you ungrateful faggot," he says sternly. I keep quiet and cover my ears; He keeps ramming the door and then the door gives away. I stare at the doorway frozen; his face is filled with contortions on his skin showing his anger toward me. I start to cry and beg "Please don't hurt me. I didn't do anything." I cover my head and get into a fetal position.

He stomps over screaming, "You killed my wife you little shit." I feel a punch to my back and I wince in pain.

He grabs my arms and pins me to my bed face down into it. I try to get out of his grip and I feel his hand take off my sweats and underwear and I start to cry. I feel a sharp pain in my back side and I scream and cry more. He grunts and whispers in my ear,"You deserve this you little faggot. I bet you're fucking all those guys at your school. Even the teachers."

He doesn't stop; he just goes faster and harder and I just lay there taking it because that's all I can do. He is bigger than me and stronger than me. He gives one last grunt and gets up. "Clean up you filthy faggot." Then he leaves and I just lay there.

Feeling the blood and other substances running down onto my bed. I pass out right there and sleep the night away.