Coming Home

Chapter 24

Two days passed. I hadn't heard from Alex and I hadn't tried contacting him either. The USB he had left in my flat lay untouched on the sofa table and I tried not to think about it.
Our last conversation still rang in my ears as it had played on repeat ever since he had slammed the door shut behind him. I felt like the human equivalent of a big dehydrated turd as I zombied around my flat alone, overthinking every sentence, movement, and look he had made in the last weeks.

For dinner, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat down on my sofa with the intentions of watching a shitty movie. Probably something starring Hugh Grant. As I was flicking through the virtual Netflix catalogue, I carefully sat down my cereal bowl on the sofa table. The USB caught my eye and I looked away quickly as if that would make me unsee it. But the damage was done; I couldn't stop thinking about it after that.

I couldn't concentrate on anything apart from the USB and halfway through Notting Hill, I had to pause the movie to pace around the room, thinking of what to do - Whether I should listen to the song or not. In the end, I figured that I might as well listen to the song and then get a move on with my life. "Screw it," I mumbled to myself as I grabbed the USB and plugged it into my computer. There was only one file on the USB and it was called 'For Issy'. The title alone made my stomach tie itself in a tight knot with guilt.

I made sure that my laptop was streaming to the speakers, before clicking the file twice, allowing soft drums to start a simple rythm, quickly followed by a piano and Alex' deep voice. I was standing in the middle of the living room, listening intently to his words.

After the first verse, I quickly paused the song, trying to process everything; the music, the lyrics, and the meaning of it all. There was not a doubt in my mind, that this song was unlike all his other songs, and I dropped my jaw as I realised why that was. This song was written about me, but unlike the other songs in which I had played the protagonist, this song was also written for me.
A small whimper escaped the back of my throat and I suddenly felt bad for yelling at Alex.

Starting the song over, I listened to the words more carefully, pausing the song after every verse, trying to figure out what had been going through his mind as he had written it:

"Still got pictures of friends on the wall
I suppose we aren't really friends anymore
Maybe I shouldn't ever have called
That thing friendly at all"

He had pictures of me. Whether it was figuratively or literally, I didn't really care. Fact was that the pictures clearly symbolised that he had been thinking about me as often as you look at a picture on your wall. I liked the dual nature of that sentence but found myself frustrated when I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't have called us friends. In my opinion, we had definitely been friends!!

I pushed play again, and Alex' voice continued with the next verse:

"Get freaked out from a knock at the door
When I haven't been expecting one
Didn't that use to be part of the fun, once upon a time?"

I had no idea what he meant by this. Maybe knocks on the door referred to the times we had been kissing. How it had freaked him out when it just suddenly had happened without warning. Or maybe the knocks symbolised us visiting each other all the time when we were younger. I couldn't tell which but I understood what he meant; he had had fun with me and he missed me; hence, the freaking out when he met someone that reminded him of me or when I had done something to jeopardize our friendship - like kissing him.

"We'll be there at the back of the bar
In a booth like we usually were
Every time there was a rocket launch
Or some big event"