Live With Me, Forever

In Control, For a Moment

It was truly a beautiful night. The moon was full and the stars were twinkling brightly. Every few seconds a shooting star would streak across the sky in a far away shower that captured the eyes when any looked up. And a little ways away, carnival music and laughter could be heard.

But these weren't things she noticed as she leaned back against the railing, once again going over her reasons for being here. The things she noticed was the three extra feet in front of her that the architect had apparently thought was needed as a ledge. She noticed things like the crumbling cement beneath her that gave the impression of breaking off and crashing down into the rocky river a hundred feet below.  And she noticed the trembling in her hands as they gripped the railing, ready to give her a push as soon as she deemed herself ready.

It had taken years to get here. First, to gain the courage to show up on this ledge. Second, not having a reason to stay. And third, just to get a moment away from Him. Even now his "cronies" were probably starting to search for her. But thinking of them just made her go over the same reasons she had thought of for the past several years one more time. She even had them in a list.

1. Parents. Parents that should not even be able to be given the title of humans. They were monsters; greed driven monsters.

2. Herself. She was so ugly. At first she had thought He had been kidding around, like most couples do. But the more that she had thought about it, the easier it had been to see how right he had been about that too.

3. Brock Hastings. Him and his evil "cronies".

4. Pain. Abuse, "accidents", self-inflicted; it didn't matter which anymore. She was sick of it. The razors and knives no longer gave comfort, and His fists had already covered her body. He said it was normal treatment for one with her kind of disobedience.

And five. Five was always the worst.

5. Her beautiful baby girl. With her beautiful blonde ringlets, golden eyes, and sweet gap-toothed, toddler smile. And her tiny body. Her tiny broke body that she had held in her arms as she gave out one last breath. Her poor little PhiPhi. The reason: "She wasn't meant to go that far, She was being bad, Now shut up and clean up this mess!"

Tears came as she thought of her final reason and her arms became ready to give the push she needed. But then again no, forget jumping, she would just walk out, one step at a time just to prove she was in control. She was choosing when to die, unlike being forced to do everything else. It was her turn to be the boss even if just for those final few seconds....

And yes, she was nearly there. Two more feet and a release of the rail and she would be at the edge. But...

"You don't wanna do that."

No No, this was not fair! Nothing ever went right. His horrible friends always found her before she could get anywhere! Forget it, he can't reach her from how far away he is.

One hand left to release from the railing, another step. Four fingers...three...a shuffle forward....two fingers....one...a foot in mid air...