Footnotes

Chapter Six

Para·noia \ˌper-ə-'noi-ə, ˌpa-rə-\

noun

: an unreasonable feeling that people are trying to harm you, do not like you, etc.

-You Don't Know Me-

   I walk into the house, feeling the usual weight of loneliness on my shoulders as soon as I enter.

Yes, I know it's my house, but I have a hard time calling it mine, because it has never felt that way for me.

It's never been my house. It's always been the house. The house I go home to. The house I sleep in. The house that's always empty.

To be completely honest, I hate this house. I hate that it's so large that my father and I only ever see each other during meals, and that's by chance as well. I hate that it's so extravagant that I always feel out of my depth. I hate that it doesn't feel like a home to me.

I've always wished that my dad would sell this stupid prison of a mansion and buy a smaller house for two instead.[32]

But maybe it's not the house. After all, the house wasn't always this way.

There was a time when laughter and loud voices could be heard throughout the house. A time when dad always had time for me and Annabelle.

Annabelle was my sister. I guess she still is, but it's as if I don't even have a sister anymore, because she's disappeared completely from my life.

When Annabelle was here, this place was mine. Ours. Home.

Not that it matters anymore. Annabelle is gone for good. I've accepted that long ago, and I think dad has too, because he's stopped those searches, and he's stopped coming home intoxicated as well.

I don't want to talk about my sister. That subject has always been painful.

I go straight to my room, closing the door behind me.

The interior of our house looks like a hotel's, with the marble floors and chandeliers, but my room looks like something out of a summer cabin.

I don't have the huge cream drapes, just a thin curtain, which I think looks really relaxing when the wind blows it into my room and it billows out.

My floors aren't lined with carpets, but there is a large rug beside my bed. My floors are the same though, as the rest of the house. Dad wouldn't let me have the hardwood floors I wanted.

It doesn't really matter. The point is, my room is the only place I can be myself. The place that's truly mine.

I walk over to the balcony and slide open the screen doors. My cat Sakura pads into my room, head held high. She circles around me and rubs her hairless head against my leg.

I pick her up and pet her head. Another reminder of how lonely my life here is. Don't get me wrong, I love Sakura.[33] Sakura is my only companion most of the time when I'm at home. But then, a cat is no substitute for a real human companion. I'm not really much of a cat person either, which is why Sakura lives in my balcony. So why did I get a cat?

I never 'got' Sakura. She has always always here, part of family, even before I was born. I never understood why dad or Annabelle would get a cat, since neither are cat-lovers and don't particularly like touching or taking care of the cat, but both seem to have a strange attachment to it.

Which I do not understand at all. They didn't want to feed, touch, or even live with a cat in the house, but they don't want to give away Sakura either.

Dad and Annabelle had looked absolutely horrified at the prospect of giving Sakura away when I had suggested it. The two had looked so dismayed that I never tried suggesting getting rid of the cat ever again.

Not that I really cared that much at the time. Since it became Annabelle's responsibility to take care of the cat, I wouldn't really have anything to do with it anyway, so it didn't really matter that I disliked cats. I could easily avoid it anyway.

Then Annabelle disappeared with her boyfriend, and guess who was left to take care of the hideously hairless cat?

Not very hard to figure out.

Sakura has changed my perspective on cats, though, and that is a close to impossible feat for a not-exactly-attractive cat like her. I don't love cats still, but I do love Sakura.

Sakura, despite her hostile appearance, was the sweetest, most affectionate animal I've ever seen, and so far still is.

That's the only plausible reason dad and Annabelle keeps her around, so I'm assuming that's that.

I set Sakura back outside, closing the door.

Wouldn't want her shedding fur all over my room.[34]

I change out of my clothes, take a long shower, and change into my house clothes (baggy jogging pants, loose shirt) and knot my hair behind my head.

I sit down on my bed, staring at the walls of my room like usual. A portion of the walls in my room are covered with newspaper cutouts, charts, my periodic table, a calendar, and anything else I'd deemed worthy of a spot on my wall. The rest of the space was filled with pictures. Me and Aidan, Me with Sadie and Fi, me with Dad, and plenty of me and Annabelle.

I never really leave without my camera nowadays. Ever since Annabelle went MIA, I realized that I needed to capture as much memories I could as possible, since you never know when they will happen again, or if they'll even happen again at all.

I only have a few pictures of Aidan because he really dislikes taking pictures. I respect that. If that's what he wants. It's not such a big deal anyway.

My phone rings. I answer it.

     "Annalise Newton."

     "I'm home." My dad says.[35]

     "Hey, dad."

     "How does dinner sound?"

     "Oh, I'm just about to go downstairs to make it." I hurriedly knot my hair at the back of my head.

     "No."

     "No?" I'm confused.

     "No."

     "Dad, I don't understand, and why do you sound so happy?"

I'm a little worried. Dad hasn't spoken as cheerfully as he just had in years. I'm actually fearing for his mental health right now.

     "Get dressed, baby-girl. We're going to a business party."

•••

     "Dad, are you sure you're alright? I mean, you haven't called me baby-girl in years."

This is very unsettling for me. My dad is a depressed widower who seems to have permanently forgotten how to smile. This man humming 'Dancing Queen' by Abba must have somehow abducted my real dad and taken his place.

     "Dad? What's going on?"

     "Nothing, baby-girl, just another business party."

You're not acting like it's just another business party, I don't say.

He's excited and he's happy. This is out of character, very out of character. It's almost as if he's...

     "Dad, are you in love?"

Dad startles. Then he turns to look at me with an in control smile."Oh, no, baby-girl. It's just another business party."

__________

[32] That wouldn't be a problem for dad. His business revolves around land and properties after all.

[33] No matter how much of a hairless beast people think she is.

[34] Okay, I know, corny joke.

[35] This is how sad our situation is. We have to call each other to talk even when we're under the same roof.