Tread

June 17

We seem to always end up in bed with me trying not to scream and Leo hoping I do. It's raining, unsurprisingly, and the water pelting the glass panes perfectly masks the slap of our bodies and the muffled groans.

He's never gentle.

It's not like he doesn't know the word or practice—in bed gentle is a barrier he doesn't use. When he fucks, it's with the thought that any second a bomb will drop, the world will explode, and while that's happening he wants to be balls deep having the time of his life.

I can't argue because I'm the same.

We don't move in sync with a rhythm. We find our aggression and fight for dominance. Me on top. No, me on top. Until we're on the hardwood floor; me braced against the bed.

I bite through the sheets to the mattress as he freezes, fingers brushing the tops of my thighs, and expands minutely inside me. It only lasts a second before he's coming, reaching around, rubbing my clit so hard it sends me into another orgasm.

I'm going to miss this—him. Desperately.

"You're going to take a chunk out of that mattress," he laughs hoarsely.

I open my mouth only to groan as he moves behind me, sending all my frayed and sensitive nerves into a panic. He leaves me with an audible pop, and I collapse into the tangled sheet. "What time is it?"

"Five," Leo answers from the bathroom.

"Shit. Everyone's going to be back in an hour."

"And?"

The bed dips with his weight and I roll onto my side and prop my head on my fist. "Well, the room smells like sex, the sheets are basically ruined, I've gotten all of nothing done for my writing, and I have to pack."

"Crack a window, order new sheets, start writing, and forego sleep for packing time."

He makes it sound so simple. I don't say that ordering new sheets in a hostel is weird, the smell of the type of sex we had doesn't just go away with a breeze, writing something solid would take all day, or I need sleep to function. But apparently my expression says enough.

"This is why I said we should go to my room."

"How would that make it any easier?" No doubt I'd fall asleep in his arms and sleep right through my flight.

"No sheets to order."

I laugh as he climbs over me, pins my wrists to the bed, and settles between my legs. "Rai, I've been thinking—"

"Uh-oh. Stop right there. You and thinking are never good for me." But even as I laugh and try to lighten the mood, I can feel a weight settle around us. This is the moment. We part ways here. I know it, and I've prepared myself for it. He's visiting Ireland, I'm visiting Ireland, and our bodies were just briefly visiting each other. Hello. Bang (x100). Goodbye. Leo might say different, might feel different, but no matter how far our 'relationship' gets, traversing an ocean is hard, especially when the people across it have an eight year age gap.

"What time do you leave?"

"Why? Thinking about running through an airport trying to catch me at the last minute?"

"Coming with you."

I snort. "Doubtful."

"I'm serious," and his tone adds weight to the words. "I'm still on holiday since I've been working all through it. And it's been awhile since I traveled through the EU."

"You're not going with me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm still not entirely certain you won't kill me."

His lips quirked. "Yes, because I've given every indication I'm a psychopathic murderer."

"Every single one."

"Chicken."

"Weirdo."

He pushes himself up, either tired of balancing on his forearms or the conversation. I can't tell. "What time do you leave?"

These are movie conversations, promises delivered on a screen but never followed through in reality. I am too fucking pragmatic to deal. "It's time we say goodbye, Leo."

His jaw tenses. "Because I'm asking what fucking time you leave?"

"No. You're making promises you can't follow through on and ruining my last day in Ireland."

"Kultaseni—"

His words will pierce me, I know it. So I don't let him talk, say anything that will change my mind. I'm right. I know I am. Mess with Leo anymore and my heart strings will get all tied up. It will be a bitch to untangle them further down the road. "Don't be this guy. You won't call me and we'll never see eachother again. Just kiss me and leave."

His mouth hangs open like he can't believe what I said. Like he doesn't know this is my personality and I never half-ass anything or say something I can't follow through.

"I am never that guy. You know that." With angry, jerky movements, he dresses, grabs his wallet and phone, and bangs out of the room. No kiss.

***

"It smell weird in here to you?" Kate asks as she walks into the room, sniffing at the air.

It's ten past six, and I sit on the bed with my laptop balanced on my thighs, trying to look like I haven't just spent the past few hours screwing some dude's brains out and angry cleaning.

"Might be from the outside," Em says, throwing plastic Guinness bags on her bed. "Hey, Rai!"

I nod and finish off the sentence I'd been writing, saving it, before shutting down my computer. "See you all went shopping."

"Nick wanted a t-shirt from the Guinness factory," Zora says, flopping on her bed and cracking open her laptop. Three minutes later, the nightmare of Nick and Zora trying to hump each other through the computer screen begins. "Hey, baby," she coos, effectively ignoring the rest of us.

I turn to Kate, needing a distraction before I reach over and toss the computer out of the window. If I have to see that skin covering Zora's computer with the picture of her and Nick doing a selfie kiss again, I'll shoot myself. "What'd you get?"

She dumps out the bags as Em does the same; the ladies taking turns showing off the gifts they'll give to their loved ones. I haven't been able to do the same thing because I have to travel. Carrying what would end up being a backpack full of gifts as I traipse across six countries isn't exactly smart.

"Are you feeling better, Rai?" Em asks as she drags her suitcase onto her bed and begins packing.

I told Lilianna and Omar I had stomach pains yesterday because I knew I'd be spending the day with Leo. The lie carried to the girls and I saw no reason to correct them. Thank God I didn't or we'd be talking about Leo leaving.

"Yeah," I reply. "Threw up. Got it over with."

"Think it was the sushi yesterday?"

"Who knows?" I shrug. "Did Omar and Lilianna tell you where we're having our end of the program dinner thing?"

"No, but I think we're headed over there as a group."

"Okay. Know what time?"

Em shakes her head as she folds a sweatshirt and stuffs it between two pint glasses.

I feign looking at the time, but check my texts. Not a single one from Leo. No missed calls either. Expecting it and seeing it are two different things; the latter always hurt more. Without a second thought I delete his information and turn off my phone.