All Alone?

The alarm goes off with a shrill unpleasant ringing noise. How is it time to get up already? I clumsily try to hit the snooze button throwing the alarm clock off the bedside table. Great now I have to check if it's still working. No snoozing for me today. I sigh, stretch, and throw my legs over the edge of the bed trying to will myself to get up. I open my eyes and look at the almost completely dark ceiling for a while then I hear a familiar click. Half a second later the room is drenched in greenish light, the dancing lines of light reflected by moving water appearing on the ceiling. I watch them for a while wishing I could just drown in the ocean surrounded by exotic fish somewhere, where nobody is ever gonna look for me, then I sit up and look down to my alarm clock. It seems intact but the batteries fell out and one of them is missing. Probably rolled somewhere under the bed. I lay down again on my tummy and hang my head down the side of my bed to look under the bed. I sigh and get up to grab a broom. Of course, the battery rolled to the hardest to reach place. Walking towards the door I stop for a moment before I leave the safety of my bedroom to look into my aquarium. Little colourful fish are hovering sleepily close to the ground in between the plants and the catfish quickly vanishes into its little amphora. I smile and shake my head a little. Being a fish must be great. I keep watching the water moving the plants and the fish slowly waking up for a while before I can get myself to stand up and go to get the broom.
After I retrieved the battery and put my alarm clock back together it's time to get ready for work. I prepare tea and yoghurt for breakfast then go to take a shower. The water is warm and feels way more welcoming than the outside world. I allow myself to take a little longer than usual enjoying the water running over my tired body. Eventually, I hear the beeping of my phone reminding me to get ready and have breakfast so I won't be late. Reluctantly I turn off the shower, get dried up and dressed for work. The uniform doesn't seem to fit today although the size is just right for me. I put on a different pair of pants and roll up the sleeves of the purple shirt everyone has to wear then look at myself in the mirror again. I guess it's better this way so I go sit down to eat my breakfast. On the radio the show I listen to every day plays the same music it always does and the news are just as distressing as usual. Maybe even a little more today but that could just be me. I finish my breakfast and put on my shoes and jacket to head out to work.

The Café is just as busy as it always is in the morning shift. People are standing in line through half the shop waiting for their coffee-to-go on the way to work and almost every table is taken by someone with a laptop checking their emails while hastily eating their breakfast and drinking their coffee. I go to the back pick up my chalkboard style name tag and swipe off the unicorn Jenny had drawn on it two days ago in the late shift when I wasn't paying attention during my break. I start writing my name on it in fancy letters then think better of it and just write "Nicky" clear and simple. I quickly put the tag on with my apron and head out to the front with a tray to pick up used dishes and whatever else people left on their tables.
After an hour and a half of constantly removing used dishes having orders shouted after me and carrying heavily packed trays of breakfast food and drinks it slowly starts to get more relaxed. Most people who come in now are here to catch a break from their stressful life. Finally, I have time to go to the table in the back of the room by the window and talk to the woman who's been sitting there reading; most likely since the Café opened three hours ago. "good morning Miss Chefield" I say smiling as I approach her table. A little white dog immediately jumps up underneath the table and starts running around my legs wagging its tail excitedly. "Good morning to you too Izzy" I bend down and pet Izzy for a moment then get up. "good morning Ni- Miss Chefield stops and looks at my name tag for a moment then looks at me "Good morning Nicky" she starts over with a warm smile. "How do you like the book?" I ask while picking up what's left of her breakfast. "Oh it's really fascinating I can't put it down" she replies seeming almost as excited as Izzy. "That's really good to hear" I smile warmly. "Would you like something more to drink to go with it?" Something suddenly seems to catch her attention outside and she goes quiet for a while then she says "a cup of tea would be lovely dear" while still blankly looking out of the window. "Alright I'll be right back with your tea Miss," I say knowing very well that asking her anything whether about what tea she wants or what she's looking at outside is absolutely pointless now.
I make my way back to the kitchen put another basket of used dishes in the Dishwasher and start preparing tea for Miss Chefield. Chris and Joan are still busy at the counter and Lucy is switching between waiting tables and doing office work. This house used to belong to her family and housed a shop and workshop of some sort then stood empty for a while before they gave it to her to turn it into a café. Now she's both the manager and the hardest working employee and at every opportunity she makes sure everybody knows that. Still, I would rather work for her than being an underling in some faceless company.
I put the tea, milk and a few biscuits for Miss Chefield on a tray and quickly check if there are other open orders. Since it seems like Lucy has already served all of them I walk out with an almost empty tray to Miss Chefield who is still looking out of the window. I leave tea, milk and biscuits on her table with the words "better drink it while it's hot" and start collecting orders and cleaning tables again in this literal rinse and repeat work routine.

In my lunch break, I barely have time to sit down and eat since around noon it's almost as busy as in the morning. Luckily today Kim has already arrived and prepared the lunch of the day for the customers so I actually get a cooked meal that's way better than anything I could have made. Say what you will about Lucy but she knows who to hire to make her ideas work and sometimes I wonder how I even got this job. Then I usually remember that it's because I'm one of two people who can get her great aunt Miss Chefield to actually eat, drink, and communicate with people instead of just staring out of the window, the other one being Lucy herself.

After another five hours, I finally get to take off my name tag and apron and leave the café in the hands of the late shift. My ears are still ringing from all the noise of the day and my arms and back are tired. Sometimes when I have a few days off I sit at Miss Chefield's table in the late evening watching the people who come here to get drinks with their friends or looking out of the window while having a drink or two myself. In those nights I wonder how my life seems to happen in a bubble just by myself while everyone else has friends or a partner to share it with.
I've had romantic relationships before, well what you'd commonly call a romantic relationship anyway, but none of them managed to make me lose this feeling or lasted for that matter and I'm not really sad about it. Being by myself is one of the few things I'm really good at. I open the door to my flat and walk in. I put away my shoes and jacket and look at the notice board mom bought to see what I have to get done today. Washing and cooking are what it says so I turn on the radio and start taking care of things. After getting everything done, eating, and cleaning up the kitchen I slump down on my bed with my laptop being glad to be back in my little cave completely separated from the outside world. I look over to the aquarium where the fish are swimming frantically up and down close to the glass trying to grab my attention so I walk over to give them food. Funny how all they have to do is swim up and down a bit and I come to obey my little scaled masters. I sit down in front of the aquarium and start slowly letting small amounts of fish food fall on the water surface. I watch them eagerly collect all of it before I add more and make sure everyone gets their share then I watch them for a while looking all over the tank for food they might have missed until they eventually give up. I was told once that regularly watching fish in an aquarium calms you down, reduces stress and makes you more happy and healthy. Watching these little idiots try to eat the same little piece of plant again and again that they should have figured out wasn't edible the first or second time I can't imagine why. Then my eye gets caught by my reflection on the glass walls unexpectedly and I realize that I'm smiling. Maybe I can imagine after all.
I shake my head still smiling and go back to my laptop and get comfortable with it. Checking a few websites I semi-regularly visit I realise I could watch the latest episode of the show I've finally caught up to. I start watching and after a particularly weird scene find myself asking out loud about what it could mean. Again.
This started happening to me a while back. My brain seems to randomly forget that there's nobody here besides me and the fish. Sometimes I even turn around while talking just to find that there's nobody there. Obviously, I would freak out if suddenly there was somebody there but sometimes I wonder if that's my brain trying to tell me that something is missing in my life. After the episode, I lay down on my bed ready to sleep but instead just watch the dancing lines on the ceiling until the timer clicks and the light turns off for the night. I turn to my side, hug my blanket, and slowly close my eyes. Onto the next day in this endless row of meaninglessness.