Just Be Friends

petals, planes and red strings

It's too dark. Right now, it's too dark and cold. I don't know why it was dark and cold when the light had always been on because stupid as it was I can't sleep with them turned off even though I am already thirty years old. I looked at the broken vase on the floor, they look so blurred. Something's wrong with my eyes perhaps. I heard him yelled a curse followed by the loud banging of the door as he left. That's when I felt my tears streamed my cheeks. My eyes landed on my shaking fingers. Lately, though it was wrong, I kept thinking how would it be like to wake up one day and I don't have him next to me anymore. What would it be like to be not with him. Isn't it strange that after all these years that I have loved him, I suddenly started thinking of these things? I closed my eyes, taking a deep breathed in, putting myself together, pulling the falling pieces together.

Opening my eyes I stared at the scattered shards on the floor. Just like how my heart and thoughts were. Scattered. Shattered. I crouched down and began picking up the pieces of the vase, the glass and the things that he broke because he was mad. I couldn't even remember why he was mad. I think I said something, something I can't remember. I felt myself flinched when a piece pricked me. I can't feel it but the blood oozed in my shaking finger. In my finger where my engagement ring settled then it came to me.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

I heard the broken pieces met the floor once more as I hugged my knees and cried. I cried so hard, so loud without any restrains. In my head our shouting voices were echoing, bouncing, unable to find a place to get out. Why am I feeling this way? Why does it hurt? Why is everything like this? I don't know. I don't know but I wanted to get out. I needed to get out. I can't breathe. I can't move. I'm sorry.

Jiyong had been a perfect man. He was nothing like how people thought of him. He was loyal, loving, sweet, possessive and cutely jealous over anyone though it was ridiculous. True, he was controlling but she understand why. He has his fears knowing how flawed he is like everyone else. I had been with him for almost seven years and he had given me all the happiness that I didn't think I will be able to have. Earlier this year, he proposed to me, telling me that it was now the time he knew was right for us to finally settle and focus on our relationship, on the family we had dreamed to have.

I should be happy but my mind was blank, in my heart it felt like there was an endless rain, an eternal gloom but at that moment I can't do anything but to say yes and pretend that my tears were for the unexplainable feeling of happiness when in reality it was because I was confused. I always had the clear vision of how things should have been but lately, I seemingly lost the things I have been dearly holding within me. I don't think anyone will understand what I was feeling, what I was thinking because even I, I can't understand it myself.

I began picking up the pieces once more and walked to the near trash bin to throw it all away. I don't think there will be anyone stupid enough to keep broken pieces. When something shattered, when it is already in pieces the only thing that was needed to be done was to throw it all away. It's useless. It's ugly. It's nothing.

Nothing.

My tears kept falling. Maybe, everything had became nothing. All of it turned into nothing but broken pieces that was waiting to be thrown to trash. But what will happen if you throw it to trash? Wouldn't it be gone forever? Will I be able to look at it again? Will I see it again? I turned away, wiping my tears using the back of my hand. My eyes landed on a broken frame on the floor that contained our first picture as a couple. It had been years, we have gone this far and am I prepared to throw it all away?

I froze at my own thought. Throw it away? What would I throw away? Why would I throw it away? I stared at Jiyong's smiling figure on the photograph. Once, we were a picture of what a happy perfect couple is. A picture of what would it be to find and be with your soulmate. I walked to the frame and picked it up. The glass was terribly cracked, some of it already fell. What happened? Everything was okay then I woke up one day and nothing was ever the same. I weakly placed the photoframe on the shelf before grabbing my keys and getting out there. I need to get out. I can't breathe.