The Last Sad Song (LSS) [COMPLETED]

Chapter Seventeen

Siya agad ang una kong hinanap. Tumigin-tingin ako sa paligid. Isang pamilyar na kanta ang tumutugtog sa background habang papasok ako...

‘There are nights when I can’t help but cry. And I wonder why you have to leave me...’

Though party ni Angelica ‘to, god knows I’m only here to see Raffy because I’m desperate to know how he’s been. Isang saglit, tumigil ang mga nasa paligid ko. Naiwan ang kantang tumutugtog sa pandinig ko nang makita ko siya sa isang table, kasama nila Angelica. His back is on me. I walk towards him, step by step, and it’s as if we have something in between that makes him feel me. Slowly, he turns to see me, and our eyes meet for the first time in a long time. Napalunok ako nang malakas, at ang kabog sa dibdib ko, lalong lumakas. Hindi ako makahinga. Unti-unti, naramdaman ko na lang ang mainit na pagtulo ng luha mula sa mga mata ko. Nanghihina ako, gusto ko siyang yakapin pero hindi ko alam kung ayos lang 'yon.

Tumayo siya at sinalubong ako. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at ngayon, we just stand in front of each other without looking away. "You're late," he says. "You don't do late."

I gulp an empty ball of air. "I was lost," I murmur. Literally, I've been lost. And now, I'm almost home except that I can't even embrace my home which is him. "How have you been?" I ask weakly.

"Sit with us," he says in that signature authoritative tone, disregarding my question. Okay, he doesn't want me to ask, that's clear.

Naamoy ko 'yung alak sa hininga niya. Kanina pa siguro siya nandito and I think he's been drinking enough. Kasing gwapo pa rin siya no'ng dati, no'ng pagkakaalala ko, except that his eyes are more troubled than the last time I saw them. My hands are forming fists as I struggle to stop myself from hugging him. It's taking all of me. All of me. Gustung-gusto ko siyang yakapin, hawakan sa mukha, sa kamay, pero pinipigilan ako ng instinct ko. It's a war between what feels right and what feels wrong. Right now, seeing him, there's a vague line in between that makes it so hard to distinguish which is right and which is not.

"Julianne?" he checks.

I blink my eyes several times to wake myself up from over-thinking.

"Huminga ka," he orders.

Hindi tumitigil ang pagpatak ng luha kahit alam kong nakakahiya na dahil nandito ako sa harap niya. Pero wala naman akong magagawa, 'di ba? Lalo't ganito, para siyang 'yung unang version niya na nakilala ko. Despite the changes and all, he still takes my breath away and that can never change.

I look into his eyes, trying to see through his soul. He's at struggle, too, alright. But he's not as obvious as I am. Ano ba kasi ang pumipigil sa'tin? Walang 'Chad' dito, at hindi na magkakaroon pa ng 'Chad' sa buhay ko. Bakit parang iniiwasan mo pa rin ako?

"Hi, Julianne!" I hear Angelica greeting me as she approaches us. She kisses me on the cheek and puts her hand on Raffy's shoulder. No, no, no. Ako lang dapat. Ako lang ang pwedeng humawak sa kaniya! "Bukas pa ang alis ko, mamaya ka na umiyak," she jokes. "Tara, upo tayo."

Pagkakataon nga naman, pinagtabi pa talaga nila kami ni Raffy. Hindi siguro nila alam na we're not in good terms kaya hindi rin nila alam kung gaano kahirap para sa'kin ang makipag-ngitian habang deep inside, mamamatay na ako sa sobrang sakit. Sobrang sakit kasi nandito na siya sa tabi ko, hindi ko pa rin siya mahawakan. Nandito na kami sa iisang lugar, hindi pa kami makapag-usap. Sa bagay, sa'kin nga hindi malinaw kung bakit kami 'not in good terms'. Kumbaga sa isang magka-relasyon, parang isang break-up na walang closure.

"So I was telling Raffy here that he should let you see the video. 'Yung birthday niyang pinaghirapan natin?" Angelica excitedly says.

Absent-mindedly, I just smile at her and look back down on my knotted fingers. Watching that would either become a painful reminder of what I can no longer have or an inspiration of what I can still fight for. In the end, I settle to keep quiet.