In The Eyes of God

I grew up seeking the love that I want towards my dad. I envy those children that is sweet to their father and their father also. Those children who can bond with their daddies, expressing how much they love each other and treasuring the childhood of their children. I am that kid, who keeps on dreaming about it and I think it would be just a dream.

I was a child about three or four enjoying the freedom of a child to love and to be loved but I guess I was forfeited with that. And it made a cut in my heart:

I can barely remember, that time that darkness devoured the sunlight. Even a penny to buy some rice mom didn't have in order for us to prepare dinner, but we've got no choice but to wait for my father. A couple of hours past dad didn't come back from his job. My tummy was shaking and mom's blood keep on rising. So she decided to go to dad's working place. In my innocence I can't believe it, of what my very young naked eyes witnessed: dad was drunk with the girl on his lap kissing the girl's neck and his friends were smoking with girls also laughing so loud. It stunned me and mom, with tears swiftly flows in her face dragging me home: throwing things so long she can hold. It rattled me don't know what am I gonna do or say, but just to stay on a corner listening to their clangor .

When the morrow came, i saw my mom lots of bruises on her arms, marks of slaps on her face lingers and with an abstract face of emotions. It broke our heart so much, but we fix it and find forgiveness in our hearts and peace to our soul. Rebuilding trust was not easy that time. But if God can forgive and give second chances so why can we?!

Years passed by we lived harmoniously enduring ups and downs Together. God's grace still we could eat three times a day, luxuries and wealth doesn't matter unto us so long that we are intact together. We let our wounds heal as time goes by, but still i couldn't find and feel the love that i seek for how many years I've keep on searching- a father's love. Yet as i grow older my feelings and affection towards him has been vexed and waxed and pulling away. I thought i am free from the bitterness that I've felt way back when i was a child but it's just a thought of me. Still, I'm counting that someday my dreams will come to pass and the faith that i have will be tangible enough. But as i go for greater doors of faith, it made me come to think that the faith that i have is fake and a lame dumb unrealistic.

My first and second years in my high school was good, but on my junior and senior years something went wrong. Mom and Dad both work... And it seems like mom is the breadwinner, financier of all the bills, our allowances and etc. and Dad, no salary in every fifteenth and thirtieth of month i don't know why! Working without in return to the company ? Is that possible? He always got drunk and so wild going home from his work, it remained like that for two years. This one night came, great revelations revealed and unfolds:

I thought that being a punching bag of him, as an outlet of his anger and frustration is the most heartbreaking and painful I've experienced but it proved me wrong.

I'm preparing that time to go to internet cafe to have some research for my project. Then, here comes the visitor of my father. They have a good talk of different topics so i decided to live them since mom and my youngest brother were asleep. I went to my Tita's house to convince her to come with me in a certain internet cafe. It took so long to convince her, so i went back to our house to ask some pesos to my dad.

Before i reached the doorway, he saw me and i saw him. Immediately he ran through the door and when I'm about to open it he blocked it and somethings' going on inside. Something suspicious and deafening silence.

Me: open-up please! (I'm pushing the door so hard 'cause he's trying to lock it up)

Dad: what are you going to do inside?

Me: change my clothes and ask some money, I and Tita Liz will go to cafe. (He had no choice that time but to open it)

Its just that I am educated enough and i know all the stuff that i saw on the table and what they are going to do. It was vivid enough that i saw a candle, a role of foil, lighter and a fine white powder in a small pack.

I was stunned, but i revived my self so that they can't figure it out that i knew already of what they gonna do. I went immediately to the room where my mom ad brother sweetly dreaming but disabled to know what's happening. I change my clothes abruptly and ask some money to him calmly to appear that i am not bothered then i went outside (My Tita was waiting for me in our gateway).

So i told her everything, about what my teary eyes saw. I can't imagine me being like a detective and sniper finding a place or better position to have a good eye of what they are doing. We didn't pursue going to cafe rather, we went to my Tita's balcony where we can find a huge opening of our house's rooftop (our house is a one big house divided into four because we are four families living in it). I can't believe of what I've witnessed: they teared some foil and fold it putting some powder on it then that's all. When they were about to smoke it they went to the corner, where good vision acuity for us to see is out of reach. I didn't know how fell asleep at that time, maybe i was tranquilized. Finally, i puzzled it! For eighteen years of long suffering of financial problem, finally revealed. What's really the worst heartbreaking in the world? It's to see your father doing his vices inside your house face-to-face and just letting the people fall asleep to get a chance of doing his wicked vices.

I told my mother of everything that I saw and witnessed, but mom can do nothing but just to let it gone by. for she loves my father so much that everything is OK as long as he will not do it again. I just don't know if I should be angry with her for tolerating but could I even blame her? She just loved my father...

Is love really blind ? Or it's just the person who makes his/her self blind ?

No words can express how much it hurts, but I know that In The Eyes of God... nothing is hidden rather all the things that I am going through is seen in his throne. And that's why I'm lifting it up to Him and letting his will to be done over us.

♥♥♥Enough of this burden but more of Him ♥♥♥