Ring... ring... ring...
The annoying sound pulled me from the depths of my sleep. If you could call it that. I barely drifted off to dreamland when my alarm clock decided it was time to wake me up.
Ugh! The perils of being a student.
I’m not usually this whiney. But these days, I find that something is terribly wrong with my life. It’s like things are not going my way.
The past weeks have been a blur. Sometimes, I don't remember what I did during that day. Sometimes I just find myself staring out into nothingness. The worst part is, I don't exactly know what's wrong with me.
As a routine, I checked my phone for messages. i had twelve.
Great!! I've slept for all but four hours and my phone was flooded with text messages.
I opened my message inbox and scrolled through my received messages. i did not even bother to read them. I just wanted to see whom they were from.
One message was from my sister- saying good morning no doubt. Six messages were from my classmates. I’m sure they're just text quotes anyway, so I did not read them either.
There were two messages from my college dean - which I definitely read. He wanted me at the office early. I guess he wanted to talk about the upcoming activities for the college.
The last three messages recipients’ said: Ben.
My classmate, Ben.
My good friend, Ben.
My first love, Ben.
The center of my universe, Ben.
We were classmates from high school, enrolled in the same university and took up the same course. Eventually, we became very good friends.
What he doesn’t know is, I’m desperately and madly in love with him. I have been since the first time he played one of his songs for me. Man, was that a turning point!
The problem is, he just sees me as a friend. No more, no less.
He doesn’t seem to notice me.
Not ever.
Not even when I do stuff for him.
Like helping him with his homework; or supporting and cheering him on when he fancies someone. Not even when I comfort him during heartbreaks.
Not even when I stand by him when he likes someone new.
Especially not even when I show him how much I care.
All my friends keep telling me to move on and find someone else to love. Someone who would respect and cherish me. Someone who would do the caring and not be cared for. But do I ever listen?
No. I choose to play dumb.
It’s just that other guys I’ve met don’t make me feel the way he does.
They don’t make me laugh or talk to me as easily.
They don’t make my heart beat double time when they talk to me.
They don’t make my knees tremble or make my head spin when they’re near me.
They don’t make me go blank and disoriented when they look me straight in the eyes like the way he does.
In short, I can’t seem to fall for someone else, let alone like someone else enough to make me want to fall in love with them.
I know, I know. It’s just plain dumb, not to mention completely stupid.
But I can’t help it. Can you blame me? I just want to be a good friend. (Yeah, right! Who am I kidding?).
I read his message and it said: “We broke up. I need someone to talk to.”
Great! Just what I needed. Will this ever end?
Just then, realization hit me like a lightning bolt.
Right then I knew what was wrong with my life. I opened my eyes to reality for the first time.
I don’t know why I did it and how I did. Maybe it was from my lack of sleep or from the fact that my brain was not functioning normally yet.
It was strange but I felt free, liberated, relieved.
I knew exactly what I had to do. It just felt right. Everything felt right.
With one deep breath, I hit delete.
