The Choice To Remember

That Night

Do you ever feel like time is passing ever so slowly? Like the whole world is happening without you? Well that's how I felt. I was waiting in the lobby. It's like everything is going by in slow motion. I never thought anything could make me this anxious. Suddenly I hear Dr. Charles..."Mrs. Sanders-Nikki Sanders?" I stand up hestitantly and say "Hi that's me". As we walk to the procedure room, I stare at everything around me. I immediately regret doing this but I know I will regret it even more if I dont at least try. So I persevere. As we get to the room, Dr. Charles tells me to have a seat and begins to explain the procedure. The risks and benefits...blah blah blah. To be honest, I zoned out on the majority of the medical stuff. Basically the point of this was to try and help me recall blocked memories. The procedure is experimental. I just have to lay in this chair connected to a circular helmet thing and breath deeply. When they turn it on, it is supposed to send waves of some sort to my brain and help me sort through my memories on a subconscious level. Like I said, I'm not really sure. But thats besides the point. I have to do this.

Red. It's all I remember from that night. It was red everywhere. I remember trying so hard to forget that night for the longest time and now I'd give anything to remember. If I don't remember then there will never be any justice. There will never be any peace. So I spent an hour getting a check up by a nurse named Gertrude. She was really nice and considerate. She did everything she could to try and make me feel as comfortable as possible. I felt bad. I was so rude to her. I don't even know why. This whole experience just has me on edge.

I finally decide to open my eyes and face up to the reality that is. I see my aunt hovering over me with a concerned look on her face. I'm not surprised. She hasn't stopping looking at me that way since I can remember. Who can blame her? Anyone else in my postion would have broken down by now. They would be mad or curious. I'm neither. Im not sad or upset. I feel nothing. I dont know what they expect from me. Should I cry to make them think I'm normal?? Should I keep a journal?? Im happy to play my part to amuse the people closest to me but honest to god....I have no emotions regarding the accident! I can't bring myself to shed a genuine tear. "Is there something wrong with me?" I ask myself.

You see....when I was 8, my parents and I went on a drive for some ice cream. It was Sunday and the streets weren't very busy. My parents were a little preoccupied that night and I was no help at all. I was being super petty. You see, my mom had told me that I was gonna be a big sister and I wasn't especially excited about it. I didn't really grow up with alot of cousins my age so I wasnt used to there being anyone around but my parents. I never had to share them with anyone and I was the center of their universe. So my parents thought that maybe some quality bonding time over ice cream was in order. I was 8 so I wasn't about to pass on ice cream. So we headed to Baskin' Robbins. See on the way there is an intersection that is notorious for cutting the light off at the worst time. Everyone always tried to make the light before it turns red. Everyone knows this little fun fact. And my parents would have kept this in mind if I wasn't acting like such a brat. They couldn't focus 100% on the road and there we were. Spinning uncontrollably. Then bam....