IT'LL ALWAYS BE CALLUM

1: It hurt, never being enough

I step out of my black Jeep Wrangler craving an iced coffee, smiling with the sun. It is a beautiful October day, one full of potential.
And there's nothing stopping me from having a wonderful day, or so I think.
I perch my chic sunglasses on my nose, and push back my newly bobbed dark blond hair.
I walk into the cafe. It's my favourite, one just a couple streets down from my high school. I'm in grade eleven, and it's amazing so far....if you call tons of homework amazing. I decided to make a change in my life last year- I climbed out from inside a sky-high heap of romance novels, and jumped (not literally). Jumped meaning putting everything behind me and taking risks. I flew, though; instead of falling like I'd expected. Now my life is a lot different; and I'm happy, because it means that I've finally put Callum Daynes six feet under, where he belongs. Loving that jerk did nothing for me except having my young years filled with anguish and heartbreak. I'd like to dismiss my past feelings for him as nothing but a stupid immature crush, but I can't. I felt for him like I'd never felt about anyone, ever.
I hope that someday I can find someone else that I love like that. An all-consuming passionate heated love, a lust with bite. I was too young. He never looked at me like that. A good best friend isn't supposed to be in love with their bestie.

I step up to the counter, and order my iced coffee. I don't drink coffee often, I don't want to get dependent on it.
The thought of depending on anything or anyone disgusts me. People will always let you down, if you give them an excuse too.

When I reach school, I'm ten minutes early, so I sit down on a bench close to the administration office door to drink my coffee and check my homework from last night. Chemistry sucks, kids. Formulas are Satan's Gift to the World, in my opinion.
A few minutes later the outside-access door to the administration office slams and I glance up, startled. The sight that greets me is one that I will never forget. It is one that nearly stopped my heart from shock. That would be ironic. The person who stole and broke my heart also stopped it. Once I though the torture was over, he stepped right back up and delivered the final blow.
Callum.
Standing there, a frown on his handsome face; wearing a red hoodie, light joggers, and red Nike's. His brown Afro curls are a little longer that they were last time I saw him, and he's taller. Not much, but I notice of course. Callum was 6.0 then, but now he must be about 6.3. It suits him and his strong bone structure. His brown eyes flicker over to me and widen in surprise. He walks over, and sits down on the bench next to me. A shift a little farther away, uncomfortable. This is going to be awkward.
He rests his arm on he back of the bench, very casual.
"Hey Kylie." He says, the voice that I'd never forget bringing forth unwelcome memories. With them, come the ghosts of unwanted feelings.

I swallow, my throat suddenly parched.
I feel like I can't speak, because my voice might break, betray me. I worry about what I'll say, and settle for something easy and noncommittal.

"Hi Cal. How are you? It's been a while."
I sound a little quiet, but besides that pretty normal.

"I'm ok, I guess. Mr. Fords is an as*hole, though. Did you know that? I'm so pissed at him right now."

I bite my lip, unsure of how to respond.
"I've gotten that impression before too. Do you need help with something? I don't mean to be rude or anything, but why are you here?"

Callum sighs, looking out over the parking lot. Students have begun to arrive, and the campus is now longer quiet. "I'm having a transfer from my high school in Florida. My sister and I were fighting a lot, and my mom got tired of it. She hasn't really been parenting us for that long you know, and two of us was just a bit much for her, apparently. So Eileen is staying in Florida with mom, and I'm here with dad. It sucks to transfer part way through senior year, but nothing I could do about it." He admits.
"Can't day I'm going to miss Eileen. My twin is the most annoying thing on this planet; I'll be glad to have a break from her at least."

I quirk a smile. He hasn't really changed, and it's nice to talk again. Like nothing had ever come in between us. Deep down I know that we'll never be like we were again, but I like to imagine for a moment, fantasizing about what could've been.
"I understand that. So you're transferring here, then?" I ask.

"Yep." He pops the P.

I can't explain the blossom of happiness that starts to bloom in my chest. I should stamp it out, sweep all the remains of my feelings for him out, slap my hope in the face; it's all foolishness, and will just make the inevitable rejection worse.

"Oh. Well, you're going to have a great time. This is the best secondary school in the world, I swear!" I boast playfully.

Cal laughs. "Or it would be, if they got a new secretary. Mr. Fords scares away all the investors."

I laugh, and he joins in. We just sit there for a moment, him and I...me trying to smell him without him noticing. I want to know if he smells the same, and he's not wearing cologne so it's hard to tell. I lean closer. He smells faintly of raspberry-flavoured vapour, spicy Doritos; and one scent that is heady, complex, and uniquely him. Callum.
I pull away, mentally face-palming myself. What am I doing? This boy nearly broke me. Even though he didn't hurt me on purpose, it was a result of what he did. It hurts, never being enough.

Last year he'd started drinking more, and used drugs that I would never even consider.

Our other lifelong friends, they had always been cooler: Eileen, Max, Tasha, Chris. We had all lived in the same neighbourhood when we were little, and spent a lot of time together. Eileen and Callum are one year older than me, Max is the same age as me, Tasha is one year older than me and Chris is two years older than me. As we grew older, Callum and I started to spend more time together than with the squad. Tasha and Chris are partiers, it's hard to be around them unless you are too. Eileen is Cal's sister so of course he doesn't want to hang with her. Max is...a gamer. Which isn't a bad thing at all, just it makes it hard to do stuff with him when he is focused on a game....80% of the time.

I always thought that Cal and I would be the type of friends who were best friends all their lives. And I even hoped for a little more...maybe he would want to spend our futures together in a more personal way. But it obviously wasn't meant to be, because last year he started to spend more time with our squad, less with me. He didn't want to watch Netflix and laugh at stupid things with me anymore, he didn't want to hang with the innocent girl a year younger than himself anymore. He wanted to go to parties and "have a life". I won't ever forget the rejection that I felt during those months.
He started skipping school. I would sit at our spot in the cafeteria each day, hoping that my best friend and biggest love would show up. But he didn't. Eventually, I stopped waiting.
We still spent Saturday's together, but when he began to complain about our quiet days, I got upset.
I pushed him the rest of the he way out of our lifelong friendship, I let us grow apart.
I didn't object when he asked me if he could spend Saturday night with Tasha and Chris instead.
I refused when he asked me if I wanted to come along. I wasn't into the same things he was, and I didn't want to follow him around all night as he got wasted. To watch as he took some slut upstairs.

It's been a year, maybe things would be different this time. Maybe it could be like before. Maybe I'd be enough.

Can I give him another chance? Should I?
Is it worth it?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
If you enjoyed it, please vote or comment!
This first chapter was mostly an introduction to the characters, and background explanation.
I probably shouldn't have started this, considering that I have 3 other books on the go as well...but this idea just called to me, and I scribbled a scene down on paper, and after reading that, I just couldn't resist any longer!

Anyway have a great day/night!

<3 Sanoe