The Mid-Afternoon Saga (Twilight Parody)

Murphy's Law is a Bitch

As with most disasters, the day stared with such promise. Everything was working out well. Bella was going to be out of my life forever. I leaped out of bed and quickly put on my shorts. Not sure I even needed to show up to this meeting. I mean couldn’t Bella just show up and run into Victoria instead of me? But then again Victoria is really hot and she might want to thank me for helping her. Oh my gosh I am turning into Bella!

I got to the beach just in time to see Bella sitting on a toppled tree staring mindlessly at the ocean with Victoria sneaking up behind her literally feet away. Things were looking up. Bella seemed focused on a sand crab and Victoria was about to pounce when Edward came blasting through the wood.

“Jacob you are soooo dead!” He hollered.

The hormone crazed vampire came straight towards me, apparently not noticing the killer Vampire about to sink her teeth into his girlfriend. Victoria jumped! Bella began singing a made up song about “the littlest sand crab”.

“Edward! What’s going on?” Hopefully I could distract him long enough for Victoria to finish Bella.

“I was reading Bella’s mind last night and she thinks you have imprinted her!” If he had blood it would be boiling.

“I thought you could not read her mind?” I asked admittedly confused.

“Oh yeah. Like I am going to tell my wife I can read her every thought!” He fumed.

“She left you a note when she left the house didn’t she?” It was slowly becoming clear.

“There was also that” he said through gritted teeth.

“Edward! What are you doing here!” Bella jumped off the tree which I kid you not caused one of the branches to smack Victoria straight in the mouth! Victoria stepped back stunned for a moment right onto some rocks causing her to slip backwards, fall over the log, and right into the ocean. On the plus side she was out of site for the moment.

“Edward! You have it all wrong. When I wrote that I was meeting Jacob at the beach I meant we were going to go over our science tests together. Right Jacob?”

Was she trying to cover up our fake date using the school excuse? There was no way Edward would buy this.

“I believe you Bella! I know you love me. I can see it in your now non-existent soul. But you cannot trust Jacob! He is a guy and guys only want one thing remember?”

At this point I had excepted Bella was not going to die today and decided to check on Victoria. She was lying unconscious on the other side of the log. She had managed to bang her head on the only rock on that side of the tree.

“Why are you so over protective Edward? I was fine.” Bella complained.

Ok this was not going as planned. Now what? I had to get Victoria out of here before Edward found her. I needed a distraction. Picking a fight with the nearest dumb jock usually worked. In this case Edward would have to do.

“Look Edward. The girl has a right to do what she wants.” I said gesturing to Bella who had found a butterfly to play with. She looked like a giant cat with fangs.

“She married me Jacob so leave her alone!” Edward snarled. “We have a baby for goodness sakes. Well she is not exactly a baby anymore. I mean she is like already 5. Kinda strange to be honest. I mean how did I even father a child with the lack of blood, freezing body temperature and such? I really though that would be enough of a birth control plan. Just goes to show kids abstinence is the only surefire birth control. I tried so hard but seriously this girl is relentless with the “lets have sex” all the time! I mean I practically had to throw myself off of her”

“Whoa man! Way too much information!” I interrupted. Who the hell tells someone they hate that much about their personal life?

Veronica slowly stumbled to her feet rubbing her head and moaning. This was not good! I needed to think fast. Unfortunately the only plan I could think of was one I would probably regret for the rest of my life. I grabbed Bella and kissed her. Immediately Edward lunged for me. I quickly jumped out of the way.

“Go wolf! Go wolf!” Bella chanted.

What was wrong with this girl? Seriously demented. Her chanting distracted me for a moment and I did not see Edward’s punch. His hand hit me straight in the center of the chest and promptly bounced off. I thought I heard some bones crack.

“Dam it” Edward screamed as he held his fist. Bella actually ran over to help him. I saw Victoria slip into the wood out of the corner of my eye.

“Things are getting too hot for me here” I exclaimed as I transformed into a wolf.

“Yeah that is what I’m talking about” Squealed Bella.

Oh brother. I rolled my eyes as I ran off into the forest after Veronica.