Ranting

Dear daddy

I miss you...this is most likely gonna be the hardest thing I've ever written in my whole life for sure.

Knowing your not here with me anymore fucking sucks. I no longer have anyone to look up to in the dad department anymore, you checked out and took the easy way. Boy wish I could do that. But that's were we both are different because unlike you I'm not selfish nor would I leave them. You choose your needs before Anyone else's. Drugs and drinking were more important for you than the family, the children you made.

Growing up I was aways isolated, headphones on and just listing to music. I never went to school and I always seemed to block the world off from me. I never really experienced the whole family thing. " Normal. "
I spent my whole life living in hell. I would always see family's out side or on tv and I was always like, I wish I could be then normal and happy.

Fighting was the normal thing in he house. The only thing I knew how to do.

Your drinking and drugs got way worse around my 10th birthday. Things stared changing, bad or worse? Not sure. The heavier you drinked, made me realize that I may never have the chance at a real normal life, do normal kid stuff.

At this time we where coming in and out of being in California and Boston. We would always come back in hopes things were gonna be different, but this time they were; you got treatment and that left the biggest imprint on my life. You said from that day forward we would live are life's different and things were gonna change for the better of us.

Things were looking up. I felt amazing, like I was actually happy. But that lasted for about a few months. Your drinking started progressing worse then ever. Mom said we had to leave again, and hearing those words killed me more than anything. Knowing that once I just got comfortable we have to up and leave due to your actions.

We made it safe to California, but my biggest regret was not saying I loved you back. I had a bad feeling, a feeling that something was gonna happen. Latter one day in September you passed away in your sleep. Getting this call was the most heartbreaking moment in my life. I cry most days knowing you never had the chance to travel the world or even do the things on your bucket list, all the things you never had a chance to do.

I miss you...
Your smile
Your laugh
Your hugs
Living life without is so hard, I wish you could guide me through these hard times just lead my way and tell me which path is the best and be my side. You told me to follow my dreams and I'm trying each and everyday, but lately there's days were I feel like I'm the biggest disappointment that had happen to you. That I'm not living the life you want me to live, nor the person you wanted me to be.

These past three years have been my darkest days but this whole time made me into who i am today. I may not know who that person is right now but one day I will find it and be the happiest I've ever been. My truth lays with this home; this family. There my everything. Sure you were the glue that held us all together and may drift apart at times but we never fail to come together during these hard times.

I don't forgive you for all the pain you had caused me and the hell of the childhood I had but your my dad, here or not, and you were my best friend. For I love u With my whole heart and may you lay at rest...happy 58th birthday daddy💛