I Swear. It Was Me

8. You Really Shouldn't Have

(Trigger Warning for anxiety, depression, suicide, and panic attacks)

"WILLIAM!!!" I heard him shout again and opened my eyes seeing him run to me. I was shocked as he ran out into the road and I glanced back at the car, scared he would throw himself in front of it. 'Don't do it.' I thought at him. 'Only me.' He ran out in front of the car and I watched as he pulled me out of the way. The car passed and I stared at the space I stood a second ago as Officer Geraldo held me in his arms. 'One second too late.' I thought as I looked after the car which had continued down the road. I began to shake in the arms of Officer Geraldo. I felt him rub his hands up and down my arms. I wasn't shaking of fear. Oh no, I was pissed. I pushed away from him and glared at him.

"Thanks for nothing asshole!!!" I shouted 'Calm down. Think about what you are saying.' I thought, but I didn't listen to myself and continued to scream at him. "Why didn't you leave me?!?! You ruin everything!!" Tears filled my eyes and I blinked them away. "You should have just left me! I don't need you and I never will! I don't want to be saved, so get the fuck out of my life!!" I shouted and looked away from him.

"William. I just saved you." He said shock in his voice.

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock!!" I said. "You shouldn't have! You should have just left me to die! It's better someone else kills me, than me killing myself!!!" I stopped and breathed heavily. Because of how late it was no one was out. So the world was quiet as I glared at the officer and he looked down at me shock and pain written into his face. My chest rose and fell as I kept myself from sobbing right in the street. I turned away from him again. "Stay the fuck away from me." I said growling.

"William.."

"No. I swear to God, I'll cut your fucking balls off. Leave me alone"

"William." He said. "Are you a danger to yourself?"

I hesitated and it was quiet again "Stay the fuck away." I began to walk away.

"William." He called after me.

"Stop calling my name!!!" I shouted.

"William, as an officer, it is my job to make sure that people are safe." He said grabbing my arm. "So tell me now. Are you a danger to yourself?" I faced him and his face showed so much worry, I couldn't bring myself to yell at him again.

I just stood there while he looked over me. I didn't say anything. I closed my eyes and inhaled trying to keep the tears from my eyes. 'Stop being such a PMSing bitch.' I opened my eyes and looked up at him again. 'What do I do?' I thought to myself. 'Even if I say I'm not in danger, he won't believe me. He shouldn't either. But if I say I am a danger, he'll wonder why. I can't handle that. I can't! He'll hate me!! He'll want to kill me!! He'll think I'm disgusting! I can't! I can't do it!'

I was beginning to panic in my head, and I could no longer see straight. There was a weight on my chest, and I couldn't breath. I inhaled deeply to clear my head. But there wasn't enough air around me. I dug my fingers into my pants and clenched my fists, I couldn't breath. I looked up at Geraldo who was looking at me strangely. I reached out to him and grasped onto his uniform and tried to inhale. I couldn't bring enough air into my lungs, there wasn't enough in the atmosphere around me. "I c-can't br-breathe." I choked out. "I can't br-breathe!" I shouted and tried to fill my lungs with more air. Causing me to become light headed. "St-stephen!" I called out the officer's first name. "I ca-can't breathe!!" I shouted. I was hyperventilating and lightheaded, but I couldn't breathe!

"William, you've got to calm down." Stephen said to me.

"I ca-n't!" I said trying to inhale.

Stephen picked me up bridal style and carried me to the police car I hadn't seen across the road. He opened the door and set me in the back. He crouched down in front of me and set his hands on mine which were grasping onto his uniform still. "William. You are okay. Nothing is wrong. Okay? It's just me. Nothing can hurt you. You're alright." He said attempting to look at my eyes which were watching him rub my hands with his thumbs. "You're going to be okay, alright? You're okay." My breathing slowed as I began to see straight again. I inhaled slowly, coming down from my high place. I looked into his eyes and he smiled kindly at me. "Hey. There you are." He said kindly. "See? You're okay." He was speaking quietly and I was focused on the calm words he was saying. I looked at his hands which were now holding mine. I was lightheaded and my mouth was dry.

"William?" I looked back up at him and he tilted his head a little bit worried. "Do you want to come home with me?" I hesitated before nodding slowly. He reached forward and picked me up again. I curled into his chest and closed my eyes. I felt him place me in the passenger side of the police car and I opened my eyes when he buckled me up and closed the door. He walked to the driver's side of the car and got in. He glanced over at me and grabbed my hand. I watched as Stephen turned the key and started to drive with one hand. It wasn't long before I dozed off looking at his hand over mine.

~~~~~

(This is unedited, I apologize for any mistakes) 

Wow, wow, wow.... So, I based William's attack based off of my own research and personal experience. I know there are a lot of different types of panicking. Some are internalized and others are like mine and Williams and we kinda have a more visual way of showing distress. Sorry if this was hard for anyone to read I hope it wasn't too depressing or upsetting... I'm really sorry <3 <3 

I won't be updating for a while because of end of year cram, but I will try to update ASAP...

Read, Enjoy, and Criticize

Sincerely,

                    Your Dearest, Yu