Still Annoyed.

As a celebrity, you are constantly asked questions that are meant to trip you up and embarrass you. I got used to that quickly, as I’m friends with the god of mischief himself (Hiddleston). I have many friends and I love every one of them dearly, except one, I’m still a tad annoyed with Martin Freeman. I still love him, but like I said a tad annoyed.

                It was a normal formal event, one that I would attend and it would get good publicity. One that just happened to be on my birthday. I told my agent Marge that I was not going and she informed me I didn’t have a choice. I begged and pleaded with her, to let me skip just this one, but she refused. So I get all dolled up for this huge benefit and then fifteen minutes before the show starts my agent shows up and tells me that now I have to speak. At this benefit. In front of ONE THOUSAND people. All at one time. Now, I’m new at this celebrity thing, and so far it hasn’t been easy. My agent finally looks me in the eyes and tells me “If you don’t do this, you might as well kiss your career goodbye.” I growl at her and say “Fine! I’ll do the damned thing, what do I have to do?” She smiles widely and says “All you have to do is go out there and read these cards, all of its written out for you, oh! And this is the picture you’re talking about” I read over my lines and look at the picture, it’s of a beaten and battered Middle Eastern woman, with a black sheet over her head. I sigh and look at Marge and say “Are we really going to put this on national television?” She nods. I sigh heavily, then get ready to go on. Now like I’ve said before, I’m new at this whole celebrity thing. So to me going out and speaking in front one thousand celebrities, is making my hands sweat and my mouth to go completely dry.

                I look out on the stage and sigh dramatically. I then get my signal and I walk out slowly on the stage. I don’t look at my surroundings too much because I’m trying not to fall on my face. I breathe deeply and start reading from the cards. “For those of you who don’t know me, My name is Arlina Abington. I’m a New York Times Bestselling Author. I’ve written three books and hundreds of short stories. I got my first taste of fame five years ago, when my blog My love of Beautiful Men &Words was discovered. It has been an incredible experience, but that’s enough about me. I’m here with all of you tonight to talk about a very important issue that needs more media attention.” Now mind you, I was amazed that I had gotten this far, and I was not paying attention to the chuckles and snickers coming from the audience. I was too focused on reading my cards and getting the hell of the stage. In my complete and utter concentration, I didn’t see Benedict Cumberbatch sneak onto the stage behind me. “This picture behind me was taken three months ago by a reporter in the Middle East. . . This poor oppressed woman is being forced by her country to act and dress like this.” I point to the picture behind me for a more dramatic effect. “When I look into this woman’s eyes, I see ‘Help Me’.” I point again, more forcefully this time, really trying to sell it. “This is why we have to stop these misogynistic societies . . .”

         I glance behind me for the first time and see the picture. Then it hits me, I know this picture. This is not a woman at all. Without realizing I say “Isn’t that Benedict Cumberbatch?” The audience roars in laughter and I see an opportunity and I take it. “Yes, if I know anything, it’s Sherlock, and that my friends is Benedict Cumberbatch.” I then realize what is going on and an angry smile crosses my face. I find Martin Freeman in the crowd and point to him angrily as I say “Oi! Freeman, death is coming for you my friend. . . Very soon.” Everyone looks at Martin as he is bent over in laughter in my benefit as I feel a very large hand on my shoulder. I look down at the hand and instantly know who it is. “Amanda, darling, you know I love you, but I have to murder your husband.” The crowd is very confused at this point and just as I’m about to explain everything Benedict takes over. “Ladies and Gentlemen, you were invited here today for a very special occasion. Ms. Flint is turning 25 today, and her good friend Martin Freeman is a bastard. So he felt the need to embarrass her on national television.” I am just standing there now, shaking my head back and forth, trying to come up with some witty remark, and I come up empty. I don’t have to say anything as Benedict continues “Now, never having met Ms. Abington, I cannot honestly tell you much about her, but I can tell you this. . Her writing is amazing, she knows how to get inside your mind and really make you feel like you’re actually in the story. Yes, I know that her books are wrote for teenagers, but I have read all of her books and some of her short stories. I enjoy them greatly, and cannot wait for her next book.” As I listen to Benedict, I stand there with my mouth open, like a complete dork. Then when my mind catches up I close my mouth and look back at the audience. I then mouth as I point at him “IT’S BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. HE’S RIGHT THERE. RIGHT BESIDE ME” Ben hears the crowd laughing and looks back at me, I shrug innocently and smile wildly. He turns back around. As Benedict tells the crowd he has read all my books I shrug my shoulders showing the crowd I had no idea he even knew who I was, then I mouth “HE READ MY BOOKS. MINE, THE ONES I WROTE.” As he says his closing remarks I am being guided to a chair, which magically appeared from nowhere, in between the two huge collections of celebrities. The next thing I know I am sitting down, I look up and realize I now have a perfect view of the podium. Benedict is now coming off the stage and is heading right for me. I blush as he leans down and kisses both of my cheeks and wishes me a happy birthday. I look up and see Martin smiling down at me from the podium now and I am being handed a wireless microphone. Martin is still smiling as he starts his speech. I have almost twenty five people wish me a happy birthday at that podium that night. I have to say, it was the most eventful birthday I’ve had so far. It was also quite embarrassing. When I think back on it now, it was very sweet of Martin. But like I said before I’m still a tad annoyed. 

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Not one of my best, but what the hell? It was a one-shot.