Psycho Samantha

"Hello, Miss would you like to order something? You have been here for two hours and it is either you buy something Miss. or you have to leave?" the barista boy said.

"Uh, thanks for interrupting me and where do you think we are, a coffee shop?"

"You are in a coffee shop though."

"Oh well, I guess I will have a caramel ribbon crunch frap."

He was so rude, I thought to myself as I looked down at my phone. Charlie should have been there by now. His calendar said he had an appointment here at two in the afternoon today. As I looked out the window I noticed how foggy it was today.

The coffee shop door opened and I saw Charlie. He walked in, ordered and sat down. Was he waiting for someone? Was his mother in town? Why hadn't he invited me to meet his mother? What am I saying? He loves me and we are meant to be together forever I thought. What am I saying? Why wouldn't he break up with me? I am cellulite Sally. Look at my thunder thighs. Then there are my cankles which are as fat as a chubby baby. But how could he not like me, I got his sister a treadmill and a Weight Watchers plan for her birthday. He should have been thankful to even have me. She clearly needed it. He was so beautiful; the way he flips his hair and his sea blue eyes that you could look right through you.The way he aggressively honked his horn when an old person was taking a while to cross the streets. He is so sweet. Oh how dreamy he looks. Look at him now though, so beautiful.But what was he wearing? His shirt looks like it came from Walmart. I needed to talk to him about a makeover. But he was so gorge. Why was that girl staring at him? She should know he is mine. He was still my boyfriend. He would never cheat on me.

It was weird though he has not called me for two months. The last time I saw him he was at my house. He was calling me selfish when I was not being selfish, that I was criticizing the way he looked. He then went on to say that I always was stalking him, how it was creepy that I called his mom and how none of his friends like me. Then he has the nerve to break up with me. First of all, I am not selfish and I am not a stalker. I just liked to make sure he was not seeing any other girls but me. Although there was one time I followed him and caught him walking into the house of a woman. After twenty minutes I ran to the door screaming wondering why he is still in there. Then a woman opens the door worried and ask me why I am screaming. As I was about to talk about my problems when Charlie showed up confused and I ended up finding out that she was just his mother. But how was I supposed to know? He did not tell me where he was going, who he was going to see and how long he would be there. Plus, I stopped doing that after the first week we started dating. Instead, I started to check his Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Myspace, Hotmail, Snapchat and phone messages. He really needed to get better passwords than "psycho Samantha", but it was so sweet that he used my name as his password.

Secondly, I do not really call his mom and she loves talking to me. The first time I called her she thought I was a telemarketer and screamed through the phone about how she did not want to buy anything. I think she was just screaming to get back at me for running to her house screaming. But then she started treating me like her daughter and talking about how my voice was so high pitched Valley girl, just like a mouse. I took that as a compliment She was such a kind old women.

Thirdly, how could his friends not like me? The last time we hung out with his friends they loved me. They gave me so many compliments. They told me that they would have rather heard nails on a chalkboard while hearing the sounds of a dying cat than hear my voice. When Charlie was lecturing me, he was saying that I was a horrible person. If I was a horrible person why would I have sent him shoes for his birthday? They may not have fit him but it was the thought that counts. Anyway, should I go over to him and talk to him? He seems lonely, would he ignore me or act like he did not know me? Oh my gosh he is looking my way. What do I do? I thought as I fell to the floor, ducking behind my table. You know what, I will just go and confront him about why had he not talked to me in two months. I got out from under the table I confidently walked up towards him and started shouting at him. He looked up from his paper confused why I was walking towards him and shouting at him.

"Charlie, how could you ignore me for two months? No calls, no text, no twitter or Instagram. I thought we were soulmates. I thought it was love at first sight when I tackled you while you were exiting the Dollar store. We are meant to be together FOREVER!"

Charlie opened his mouth to kindly respond and said: "my name is not Charlie".

"Charlie, do you think I am stupid enough to think you are not Charlie? You know I love you but how could you break my heart? The last time we talked you said you did not love me and you called me an ugly person."

"But Ms, my name is not Charlie."

"You know my name, why are you calling me Ms? Are you trying to make me feel old? Not only did you break my heart, rip it to shreds and now you call me old. What next, ugly"?

"Ms. that is not what I am saying."

"Then what are you trying to say, are you trying to break up with me again? Because we are not over till I say we are over. I know you still love me so I will not let you throw away what we have. What we have is special."

"I am sorry that is not possible because I do not know you."

"Charlie if you keep treating me like trash then I might just have to break up with you."

"Ms. how could you break up with me if I do not even know you?"

"There you go with the Ms again. You know my name? Just say my name. You know what, I cannot take you anymore. You call me a mean person but I think you are the horrible self-centered person in this relationship, so I am breaking up with you. This time it is not me, it is you. Have fun living forever alone because I am a catch and you are missing out."

"Well ok Ms"

"Again with the Ms. Before I was joking about breaking up with you but now I am serious. It is over and I am serious this time, unlike the last three times, this time I am not coming back."

"Well, it was nice meeting you."

As I started walking away, something licked my ankle. I jumped as my hands slipped and my new espresso was thrown in Charlie's face. He looked pretty angry when my frappe went all over his clothes.

"Well, you deserve it for calling me old and trying to break up with me."

Charlie stood up enraged and said, " My name is not Charlie. I do not know who you are talking about. Whoever this Charlie is, made the right decision breaking up with you because you are not crazy. You are psycho!"

Charlie got up and stormed away.

"Well it was not my fault that something licked my ankle and I freaked out! Cats should not even be in a coffee shop!" I shouted through the coffee shop.

-DJB