Busy

1/3

Lauren,

I thought about how to start this letter to you so many times yet nothing really seemed right.

Why?

Why did you leave?

I told you about my past, I told you about how much I needed you, did it mean nothing to you?

Do I mean nothing to you?

It feels like it sometimes. But then again, maybe I made you feel the same way. It's just all unclear to me, unfinished, so I don't understand how you would think it is.

You told me it was me that was hard to understand though, it was me that was being unclear. And maybe you're right, maybe I was never as honest with you as I should've been.

So here it is. Here is me being completely honest with you about us, about how I felt throughout our relationship, starting from the beginning.

--

3:04 am: Hey, how's it going?

3:04 am: You're v cute.

Lauren inwardly cringed at her two messages but she was never good at starting conversations on any of these dating apps. She looked at Camila's pictures again, her features to Lauren seemed so delicate, maybe it was the warm brown eyes or the inviting plush lips. The last girl to have such innocent features turned out to be far from it, but surely it can't happen twice in a row.

Lauren didn't feel like she was even over the last fully. She admired Camila's pictures and she made the move but she wasn't expecting much from the conversation, if she even replied. She was sure she was destined to live in her loneliness because she'd never find someone that could give her those feelings Lucy gave her. She could never find someone that could give her maybe even more than those feelings, a reason and purpose beyond just that person.

9:43 am: So does v cute mean really cute or really really cute?

Lauren knew just from the response that she wasn't much like the rest. Camila completely disregarded her compliment, her boring conversation starter and went straight to a question that led to it being far from basic.

Lauren will always remember these two messages as the start of their exchange, because she'll look back at it later on. She'll look back at it and realize she was doomed from the start. She had no idea that her already worn heart had no idea what actual hurt was, it only got an introduction to it with Lucy.

And Camila was going to charm her way into that same heart to show her the main course.

--

I remember when we first started talking and I knew, right from the start, you were different. So different, you're a beautiful girl with a beautiful mind. All I wanted was to know more, to know everything, but the more I knew, the closer I got. And the closer I got, the more I felt like I had to pull myself away.

Your beauty was surreal to me when we started talking, Lauren; it was magnifying onto me with every second I got to spend looking into your mind. That feeling that I got in that first day has never stopped, even when I wanted it to.

And god, you made me feel beautiful too. You made me feel like I could be open, like I could say anything to you and could still be perfect, and I guess I never thanked you for that. So thank you, thank you for showing me what it's like to talk to someone that can give me such a wonderful feeling.

Thank you for showing me the way I should have always have been treated, the way I should always feel now when I talk to someone new.

--