Keeping up the Pretense

1. Goodbye William Heathbury

A gentle pitter-patter of soft British drizzle ran down the glass of the window behind my head. I'd been up since the crack of dawn waiting for the tell-tale rumble of wheels coming up the driveway. I was never around for the postman, but this morning, retrieving a certain letter from his satchel was the only thing on my mind. My university confirmation. It had been three months since the last of my exams, three months of pure, yet awfully unnecessary, torture. It had been all I could think about, the results on the letter arriving today, every waking (and dreaming) moment since my pencil was set down at the end of the exam. I looked up at the window once again, my brain tricking me into believing I could hear the truck rumble up the road. Disappointed, I took to the kitchen to fill my mug with hot tea and force down another nibble of toast, I was far too nervous to eat. All I had ever hoped for could be made or destroyed by whatever mix of letters was on that piece of paper, pathetic really when you think about it. 

Being a lawyer was my life long dream. As a little girl, my father would put me up on the kitchen table of our little farmhouse and let me play as the judge and jury for whatever heinous crime he had committed at my whim; usually not enough chocolate spread on my morning toast. Justice had always fascinated me. By the time I was 16, I was fluent in Roman Civil law and the practices of our own countries legal system. I was a ready-made Cambridge candidate with "legal barrister in under 10 years" tattooed across my brain.  The University of Cambridge was the only place I'd ever considered for my student years. Will and I both. It was simple, he would go and study Bussiness Economics and I would study Corporate Law. We'd had it planned since we understood what university was. I'd been best friends with will since the day he's almost run me over with his scooter at the park behind his house. I was four then. After he made me fall and graze both my knees he put me on his scooter and wheeled me to his mum's house where she patched me up. I don't think we'd gone a day since then without talking. So it only made sense that, like every other stage in our lives, we embarked on this stage together. 

Leaning against the kitchen counter I looked out of the window, watching what was drizzle when I woke up, turn to a sure and steady pour of rain. It had been a hot summer, exactly what my father needed before the harvest in September. The heat of the summer had been dangerous for him on his little crop farm on the outskirts. Little streams formed, rolling down from the fields at the top of the farm to collect into puddles outside the french windows of our house. I smiled sadly. What a shitty bit of pathetic fallacy,  I thought to myself drearily, pouring rain on the morning I was destined to get the most life-changing news I had ever received. 

The click of the metal letterbox and a soft thud on the floor brought my our of my thoughts. That was it, the letter was in my home. On the floor by my door was the key to my future, one small letter with so much potential. I walked slowly to the door, too nervous to hurry. The skin on my back grew cold in apprehension as I drew closer to the little, white rectangle laying at the foot of the door. The floorboards above me squeaked as my father made his way to the top of the stairs and peered down. "Is that it?" he asked gently. "Is that the letter" I nodded a reply to him and watched as he made his way down, two steps at a time, unable to hide his own nervousness for me. It was his dream too, he had been the one who pushed me to achieve my dream, almost living his own through me. He had never wanted to be a wheat farmer, but after the disaster of his own exams, he was left with no choice but to follow in my grandfather's footsteps and stay home to farm the land. He wanted me to succeed almost as bad as I wanted to, and through all of this, my achievements had been for him too. I wanted nothing more than to make him proud of me, and today, hopefully, I could.

I picked up the letter, surprised at its weight. How could one weightless letter hold such a weight when it came to the determining of the next chapter of my life? It was almost ironic really. A sickly feeling rose from the pit of my stomach and my clammy finger peeled it open. My breath hitched and held as I drew the crisp white paper from the envelope. My school emblem stood out in the top right-hand corner of the page. Below it, the date. My name, Temperance Darcy underneath. It was certainly my letter, that was for sure. But the mix of letters below we're not. There was no way, it was completely impossible. I dropped the letter from my hands in disgust and raced to my room. I was dreaming, I had to be dreaming. I heard footsteps, heavy manly footsteps. A sigh from my doorway. "Tempy?" it was my father. I couldn't help the tears that rushed from my face. "Oh Tempy, sweetheart it isn't the end of the world". I heard him leave the doorway then felt him sit beside me. He rubbed my shoulder gently and made soothing noises. "Tempy talk to me. This isn't that bad. It doesn't matter that you got in, there will be someone else, somewhere else you can go." But that wasn't the point, I only ever wanted to attend Cambridge, only ever wanted to go with Will. If he had- Will. I had completely forgotten. 

My phone buzzed on the oak draws beside my bed. I sat up and looked at it through teary eyes. It was him, Will. I looked at my father and smiled gently. "I'll be down in a minute, let me talk to Will first". He nodded and left my room, closing the door behind him. Taking a deep breath I answered the phone.  "Hey, you! How did you do? Did you get in?" hiding the crushed feeling deep inside me, I waited for an answer. A chuckle came from down the line. "You know I did" My heart sank and leaped at the same time. As much I envied him for making the cut, I was over the moon that he'd gotten what he had always wanted. "Hello?" Will shouted down the phone "Did you hear me? Were going to Cambridge Tempy! We did it! All the hard work.." he trailed off sensing what I was trying so hard to hide. "Tempy? What's wrong?" I bit my lip in a desperate attempt not to cry but my eyes betrayed me. "Will, I didn't... I didn't get in!" 

"What? How? You worked so hard to did everything. Wait- you're fucking with me don't be a dick Tempy" at that moment I wished I was joking. I wished I was joking so hard that I would have sold my soul to the devil, but I wasn't. Dreams crushed I said "I'm not joking will. I'm sorry I don' know what happened. I just didn't get the grades" I sighed. "I'm sorry". 

"Hey look, I can turn my place down, we can go somewhere else, it really doesn't matter." I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he spoke. Of course, sweet little Will would have done that for me. But what sort of friend would I have been if I'd let him give up his hopes and dreams for me? "Shut up" I smiled down the phone grateful for his loyalty. "There's no way on God's green earth I'm letting you turn down your place William Nathan Heathbury. You've worked way too hard for this." I heard him smile down the phone.

"I'm coming over," I said softly. "I'll see you in an hour". I clicked the call off and turned my attention to sorting out my own mess. It took more than an hour but Will didn't mind, and when I finally made it to his place we ordered Pizza and read to one another until we fell asleep. The summer went on the same after that. The remainder of the time we had left together spent laughing and dreaming in the fields and the forests where we lived. We ignored the encroaching split we would have to undergo and went on with our lives as best friends did. 

My heart broke in September, watching his packed up little Volkswagon drive away down south to his new life. At that moment I was filled with a mix of dread, jealousy, and grief that the one who had stood beside me every day since I was four years old, took off to begin a new life that I wanted so badly. Of course, we spoke, daily at first. But as his life grew more hectic and more people filled the hole that I left the days became weeks, and the weeks became months until eventually we just didn't talk. I was lonely back home, working my job at the bakery in town decorating cakes. The following summer my dad got ill, suddenly and passed away. In the space of a year, I'd lost my two anchors. I threw my time into work, managing the bakery and selling the land surrounding our farmhouse because I couldn't work it the way my father once had. 

What I knew, from then on in, of Will came from his Facebook page. He graduated with honors from Cambridge and walked straight into a job at one of the best Stocks Offices London had to offer. Through his years at University, I watched Will become a man I didn't know but always wished I did. So many times I wanted to reach out to him, but what do you say after three years of silence. The people he seemed to hang around with were beautiful and intelligent. His most recent girlfriend picked up from his time in New York, coincidentally at the same time as fashion week. He'd traveled the world visiting Thailand, Cambodia, South Africa, the list went on. Every time I saw his name pop up on my news feed I couldn't help but wonder if I would have had that life had I just made the grade. 

Hi all, I have never written and actually published before so please feel free to comment any pointers or even what you liked. I'll update this as often as I can. I have a good few chapters stockpiled so there won't be any long gaps in posting.  The next chaptwr really gets into the story I promise! This one was needed to fill in some gaps and give you some context. I hope it was interesting enough to take you through to the next part. 

Anyways, thank you for the read, please follow me, vote and comment.

See you next time, 

Gee xox