Of Perspectives and Hollowness

Endgames and Realizations

[MATT]

"Sometimes I regret it, Zoey.", I whispered breathlessly, unable to meet her eyes. There was too much emotion, too much regret weighing me down, sitting like a rock in my stomach.

"What do you mean?", she asked, a sweet, yet slightly lobsided smile on her face. I felt her confusion, even before I had forced myself to finally return her look.

"I...", I nervously began. "I should have picked you, back then."

Something in my gut twisted painfully at my own words.

"I'm... I was a fool."

Deceptively still, Zoey only stared at me, her clear, unblinking eyes seeming to pierce my very soul.

Several of my erratic heartbeats went by, before she gave me an almost woeful smile, lacking all and every merriment. My fault, I had caused her to wear a mask over her suffering, yet coward that I was, it had taken me years to accept my own mistakes.

"Why would you say that Matt?", she finally asked, her voice gentle, her expression infinitely kind. Helpless to my own mess of feelings, I shook my head.

"I honestly don't know, I'm sorry.", I paused, unable to meet her eyes. "It's just that sometimes I feel like, I... I made a mistake and I can't help but wonder what it would have been like with you Zoey."

With fear and the smallest sliver of foolish hope, I lifted my face to return her gaze, wishing, praying, begging for ... something.

Her lips curved in a sad smile.

"We would have been happy Matt.", she honestly answered.

Pain flashed across my mind, my regret probably clear to see as I realized the truth of her words.

A truth some long forgotten part of me was well aware of, making my feelings even more conflicted, as I posed a question I was afraid to receive the answer to:

"Could you ever forgive me?"

Her clear eyes widened in surprise, but when she eventually answered, her tone was soft and comforting.

"It's the past, Matt. I am a very different person now."

A rueful smile spread across my face at her understanding words and I shook my head.

"No, Zoey, that's where you're wrong. You have always been kind.", I hesitated for a moment, realizing my betraying words towards my wife. "Sometimes I wish... I wish you would have been Lila's mother."

"You can't seriously feel that Matt.", she calmly insisted.

"But I do Zoey, I honest to god do and I feel like I have lost something irreplaceable.", I stared at her, eyes red from withheld emotion. "I should have stood by you, I never even really believed – "

"Enough!", Zoey firmly cut me off, the first time that her voice had sounded shaken. And I knew it was my doing, that I had reduced a strong yet kind person to deny herself happiness.

"You're right, I was so very wrong, there is no excuse.", I huskily agreed, no longer able to hold back my tears.

With an expression that spoke of pure compassion, she exhaled with a huff.

"It's been ages.", she gave a seemingly careless shrug. "I'm not saying it's forgotten and forgiven, but I don't hold you accountable for something that transpired a decade ago." But she should, how could she not? Instead of standing by her side, I chose to cast her away and yet she seemed conflicted. Was there still hope? Could I be forgiven? Something deep in my chest expanded, my heart beating wildly, as I saw the face never stopped adoring.