how i am doing, what i am up to, what happened to stories, etc.

hi

(this was written at about maybe summer of 2018)

***Unfortunately, some of this might be triggering. Please read at your own risk...***

excuse any typos in this, i'm using my laptop, and there's nothing to indicate i made a spelling error oof wattpad what's tea sis y'all need to do somethin bout that

hello everyone :)

i first want to talk about the gerard way story... yes, i deleted it. thank you for the fucking THOUSANDS of views on it, it made me feel accomplished :)

(see "why i deleted "my teacher is fucking hot"" on my profile)

now, how i am doing...

i was doing great for a while, up until about early to mid march...

i had a boyfriend, who i loved very much - i still do, unfortunate enough - but he broke it off with me, and it's been really hard.. the way he did it was disgusting, but he has since apologized... a lot..

the distance was hard, for both of us... we were gonna hold it out until he got a car or something, but he didn't wanna wait, so he just ended it...

he's come back around, and being really really fucking confusing...

i know he regrets what he did, but he's still confused about his feelings about me....

one day he says he still loves me, the next day he doesn't know...

and it's killing me not knowing, because i'm catching myself still fucking thinking about him, and it's just causing me to be really depressed...

because he was the only person who i've ever truly felt love from...

actual love...

my mental health... it's not as bad as it used to be..

i had an eating disorder from about july of last year to mid december of that same year...

i don't want to talk about that one too much...

and i relapsed in terms of self-harm that same year, i think maybe september...

relationship problems, i felt like it was my fault...

i was just so scared of losing him... but that fucking happened anyways...

my anxiety has gotten significantly worse... i had to be homeschooled...

and now my dad might force me to go back, which i cannot fucking do...

i asked for help regarding my anxiety but my dad won't help me/get me help...

so yeah....

had a scare with something, i don't want to mention it... i'm sure it can be guessed though... it was a false alarm, thankfully...

i got in a very big fight with my father, resulting in him being inches away from hitting me in the face.. my mom stopped him...

had a massive panic attack at that moment in time...

yeah...

everything is fine, regarding that situation, though...

right now, i'm kinda okay... i'm depressed about ex stuff, but besides that, i'm fine...

i've been busying myself with video games, netflix, etc. to just drown out everything that's been happening around me..

i have taken drivers ed, i passed my written test, whoo...

i'm just trying to find a job now. i need something to busy myself with, you know...

it's summer now, but i still have homeschool work, which i'm trying to finish quickly. i still have to do shit at my church.. vacation bible school... yeah... i work as a group leader every year...

i'm a junior now... yikes...

i still have no fucking idea what i want to do for college...

when i was with my ex, i was panicking, like "what am i gonna do for college ???!!!! what if he wants to go here and i want to go here ???!!!"

don't ever do that...

don't let a relationship prevent you from doing what you want..

i wanted to do SFX makeup, but i just lost the motivation or it... pretty sad, actually...

i want to do game design so badly, but the industry is a pain in the ass to get into...

i don't know... my parents want me to be a doctor (not shocking), but obviously, i don't want to do that... i don't know what i want to do anymore...

right now, i'm just trying to get better, and try to get over this depression... it's hard, because i want to get better, but i just can't find any motivation... my ex was my only motivation... we struggled with the same things, and it just hurts, because i feel like i have no one left...

i'm just mad at myself for getting this way, you know...

sorry for this being so sad, haha, that's just... that's just how life really is. it kicks your ass so much, and when it does, sometimes you just wanna fucking lay there, not do anything, and hope it goes away...

a friend of mine made an excellent point... we got in a fight over some stupid shit... here's what he said...

"ally i fucking love you, and i hope you know that, but you need to stop this shit... you can't just run from your problems and hope they go away.. you need to get the fuck up and fucking face it."

as much as i don't wanna hear it, he's right. and i hope you guys realize he is too, because i don't want you guys to not try.. that never works..

but yeah, that was just an update on me since i kinda disappeared.

i love you guys so much, and i just want to say thank you for all of the heartwarming messages... it kept me going.. it really did... and i can't thank you all enough for that <3333333333

xoxo

update:

after i wrote the things above it was never published bc I forgot about it lmao

regarding my friend liking me, he doesn't anymore, but we grew distant so that sucks

regarding my ex...

he said we're on break. we both want to try again. just waiting on him to get a car. i'll be able to see him in like, late September early October. something like that.

but i'm worried, bc idk if we can make it. we almost had a moment where he was doubting and we almost just ended everything right there. he thought he didn't make me happy (he very much does) and got upset and confused

it's hard on him right now, his family is falling apart and he's off his meds since he doesn't have the insurance for it. but he goes back to his private school in a few days and he'll get back to his counseling, which i pray to god helps him, because at this point it feels like I can't do anything.

so that's that. i try not to think about it a lot.

regarding family shit, i've just been trying to avoid conflict. i stay in my room a lot, I don't talk as much... it's whatever

everything else is meh.