Wish For Holding Hands #wattpride

Wish For Holding Hands

I support Justina's dreams.

She could drag me to every bar in the country and I would still fall deeply in love with the way she plays her old, black guitar on that stage. Each time I watch her preform, her voice sways me into how I felt the first time she told me that she loved me, the first time she kissed me, the first time we held hands. Justina just has that kind of affect on me, and I support every bit of it.

We are about an hour away from home, but I still find myself sitting at a table near the back, smiling as my girlfriend moves the crowd with Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, a small smile sitting on my face. Justina is absolutely gorgeous up there: her jet black hair falling just past her shoulders, her pink lips smiling yet still singing the words with beautiful melody, her brown eyes smiling with the joy of being on stage, and the way her fingers wrap around that guitar and strum with confidence is breathtaking. At least, it is to me.

She wraps up the song and is met with a large amount of applause from everyone in the building, and Justina smiles back at the crowd.

"Thank you. That song was for my girlfriend, who allowed me to drag her all the way out here tonight." She says into the microphone before standing up and making her way off the platform. As the words leave her lips, a deep ache fills my chest. I love Justina, I promise that I do, but she knows how I feel about PDA. She knows that I hate it, yet she still did. The smile from when she was playing is quickly replaced with an anxious frown and my hands lace together. Before I realize, she's right next to me, the same joy still on her face.

"Ready, baby?" Justina chirps, holding out her hand to me, prompting me to grab it and walk out with her. I would love to walk out of here hand-in-hand. I want to but we can't. Instead, I just stand up and walk towards the exit, her right behind me.

These nasty streets of New York don't distract me from the anxiety bubbling in my stomach. That's what happens when PDA happens, anxiety builds within me and travels from my stomach to my throat. I wish I could get rid of this fear, but the world would hate me for who I love. It's not like I chose to be gay, to fall in love with a girl, but I still hide it so that I can't be hurt by the world's intolerant people.

Justina falls in step to my left, us walking silently down the street to the subway station that'll take us home. I keep my eyes to the ground, but try to relieve the tension between us.

"G-good job." I mutter, shoving my hands into the pockets of my very short shorts. I can feel Justina's eyes look at me, however I can't pick out the emotion. She says nothing for a moment, but sighs and looks straight ahead.

"Thank you, Helena." Her voice comes out annoyed and robotic. I know it's my fault, she's annoyed at me. Justina doesn't care who knows her sexuality and is willing to tell every person on planet earth all about her and her "gayness." She hates how scared I am to be public with her, I know that, but I can't help it. If I could change, I would, all for Justina, but I just can't.

We continue to be silent until we are close to the subway, however Justina stops and opens the door to some establishment, so I pivot and walk in with her.

Bright colors and sweet smells meet me as the door slams behind me, my brain registering that we are at an ice cream parlor. That's Justina's favorite food, ice cream. She could probably eat it every single meal if I gave her the chance. My feet carry me until I'm behind my girlfriend, getting on my tip toes to see the menu that hovers over me by a long shot. I curse my height in my head and soon give up on trying to read it on my own.

"Justina? Can you tell me what flavors they have, please?" I whisper, tucking my blonde hair behind my ear before wrapping my arms around my stomach. Justina scans the menu and reads off.

"Strawberry, vanilla, banana, chocolate-" She abruptly stops taking and says something to the girl working behind the counter, leaving me confused. The lady two cones to Justina in exchange for a few dollars and we go back outside. I follow behind my girlfriend for a few steps before she turns around and hands me a cone. Superman ice cream.

"I know it's your favorite." She says gently. I quietly thank her and we start walking again, this time eating ice cream. A bench comes into my view, and I don't want to walk and eat, so I tug at the sleeve of her red flannel and ask if we can sit.

Just like that we go from walking in silence to sitting in silence. Justina won't even look at me, just focuses on her strawberry ice cream and looks around the street. I can't handle the silence anymore, it's making me more anxious than I already was.

"Do you hate me?" I ask her, actually looking at her when I do. Justina's head turns quickly to me, making me flinch.

"Really, Helena? You know I love you more than anything in the world and you ask if I hate you?!" She snaps, and I become more scared. I know she wouldn't hurt me, but I've seen that look before and I can't help but to get scared.

"I-I know but I wouldn't h-hold your hand-"

"Helena, stop." That's when the first tear falls down my face and the lump forms in my throat. Justina doesn't deserve to deal with me, she deserves someone who isn't scared all the time. "I can see you thinking. I'm not going to leave you, babe. I just wish you would let me hold your hand outside of the house."

A sob escapes me and I throw my ice cream into the garbage can next to me, then put my face in my hands. "I-I want to let you. I want to hold your h-hand too. But we can't!" I cry, my voice muffled by my palms. Justina sits there quietly, then reaches around me to throw her cone away. She places her hand on my knee and rubs circles into my skin with her thumb.

"Baby, your dad isn't here anymore. He's not going to hurt you ever again."

There's where the problem stems. My father. My abusive, homophobic, hate-filled father. The day he found out I was a lesbian, it was like the world was filled upside down and my life went crashing with the turn. He resented me, made me feel worthless. Father was convinced that he could essentially beat the lesbian out of me, and he tried with every chance he got. Justina managed to get me out of there once we turned 18, and we have been inseparable ever since. Yet my past still haunts me and keeps me on a tight leash. I don't want to be treated like that ever again, so my body made sure that I was petrified of PDA. Better safe than sorry.

"Helena, I promise I will protect you. He will never get to you again. But as long as you're letting your fear of him push me away, he's winning. He's not supposed to win, we are. Let us win, baby. Let me hold your hand." Justina coaxes, her voice entering every corner of my mind.

I think I love her voice more than anything else. Her voice always manages to get to me, to make me understand. She can make me feel all the emotions in the world with one word. She can make me fall in love again and again with a single sentence. I'm never going to lose her, so that means I can't let my dad win.

I remove my tear-streaked face from my hands and instead of letting her grab my hand, I put her face in my hands and kiss her. Fear jumps around inside me, but the longer we kiss, the more confidence pushes the fear away. Not only am I starting to grow confident, I'm starting to feel the pride of who I am come out of the box it was hidden in and show itself. It's not at its full capacity just yet, but now it has room to grow.

Justina pulls away first, us a panting mess, just looking into each other's eyes. Her brown ones pierce my blue ones, and we just sit there.

"We won." I whisper. Justina smiles and grabs one of my hands. She kisses my lips gently again and then stands, pulling me behind her. I make sure to grab the guitar from it's leaning position on the bench, and allow myself to be pulled behind her.

"Yeah, baby, we won."