Anchor

Part 1

Do you ever feel like a boat a drift at sea. Always moving with the tides but some how never really seeing anything. Never able to chart a course before you are pushed off into a new direction. What you need is an anchor. 

This is how my life feels I am lost in a sea of people. Trying to find someone like me a member of that small group of kindered souls. My slice of joy of happiness. My anchor to keep myself from getting lost inside my own head. Keeping me form those stormy waters ladden with mines waiting to find a target. 

I am a young gay man, I find myself drifting off with old songs about girls and love something I can never really understand. But music is always so simple it's linear it's a clear progressive story. Life is always more complicated. The sound of "Dion" or "buddy Holly" is calming to my anxiety. Something in the lyrics gives me a peace I have yet to be able to provide myself. A clairity that just seems out of reach for life.  I have always thought that it would have been easier if I could have just been straight.

Maybe I am just seeing the grass greener because I Know it's not something I will ever know. That the beaches in that photo album are nothing like the life I will see. No matter what I want I am who I am and I can only accept that fact. Won't take away the pain I have experienced. Won't remove the memories of my anchor snapping and the marks that I carry forever remind me of past mistakes. Life is playing off what you get, it's our job to make the most of it, shore up the bulkheads and Wade back out into the waters of life. Hangout with friends and make new ones. Go to work and take a certain satisfaction in the structure. The normality of it. Knowing that there is something stable in my life. That I am a part of something.

But I know it's not enough, I want to own myself. I need to be who I am, I need to embrace who I am. But the question is how do you embrace an unknown. How do you accept something you don't know. I don't know what is me and what is me and what is what I think I should be. Everywhere there are expectations on every side. I just know there is more to me. Someone who wants to do something that wants to be someone to push for change. Instead of just sitting here and analyzing what's wrong. But I question what I need to do to move forward. I feel so alone, it's like we are all in our own boxes our own divisions. These labels seem to separate the gay community hydronormative, cis, trans, fem, masc why can't we all just be who we are without all the mess. It takes a small group and fragments it into Oblivion where is the inclusion in that. Why do as people feel this need to make life harder for ourselves. We all have our issues. Our memories of things we would rather forget. Mine include blood on covering my right hand as it tries to steem the bleeding and a few minutes early the muttered muttered words of menace from my attacker. So why do I need to make any other issues for myself.