just ME

            Always thought writing about yourself is cliché, but here I am. I guess I'll start from the beginning, last year. It was the summer and I had decided that I'm going to quit regular school and start studying online for the eight grade. Yeah I'm only fifteen, young right? By now you think what kind of problems would I have right? I, myself have been thinking, am I being a whiney girl? But then I still can't shake that feeling off.

          The year so far had been interesting. I lost my old friends and gained new ones, a bit younger but they are refreshing from the other crowd I used to hand out with. A few weeks ago I started to feel free and happy again. And when I mean again is that I had depression, and it was hard. I left school and thought I had that feeling behind me, that sad and gloomy feeling. Recently I have been feeling more and more of it. Every single day I have been trying to figure out the cause of this. And believe me when I say that I was happy. And now sitting in my room I am wondering, why am I doing this? Am I even going to post this? Am I wasting my time? Maybe I am or maybe I'm not. I don't know... but I know I want to figure this out... I want to figure me out.

There are a few things that could be bringing me down.

FIRST, school – I have done all my school work and so far I thing I'm passing all my subjects. So it shouldn't be why I'm stressing of being gloomy. Right?

SECOND, that really close friend that I broke thing off with – So this girl that I am friends with for eight years, were talking on the phone. She was telling me about her life and how she was doing. I listened and she asked me how I was doing and I actually poured my heart out. She had been quite a bitch to her mom and I told her how it is, trying to get some sense in her. It's not like she's a bad girl of a friend but sometimes she can get out of hand. Me and my mom, worry that she might be trying grow up too fast, that she hangs out with the wrong people. we worry that one day she might get with some shady people and that it will drag her down. I had been with then out a few times... they are not bad teenagers but they really don't think about what they are doing. And yeah, sure, enjoying your youth and hanging out with friends, doing crazy shit is fun but sometimes it gets too much. I was worried about her I wasn't trying to pry or teach her how to live her life, I gave her advice to just cool it and to talk to her mom and maybe clean up her act a bit. She really took it to heart, the fact that me and my mom were discussing her life was making her angry. She told me not to pry and to not teach her how to live and when I asked why she got all pissy and I asked why. Was she having problems with mom or school, did I in any way made her feel bad? She was not telling me and it seemed like she had put a wall between us. Then it was my time to get angry, I felt betrayed and that I had misplaced my trust and feelings, after all I had told her all of my secrets, feelings and problems. Why did she not want to tell me, did she not trust me? So I hung up on her. I felt betrayed and I had nothing more to say. Few minutes later I realized she was right. It was wrong of me to pry and ask her to tell me things she did not want to share. I was pushing her so she pushed me back. It was jealousy as well, the fact that she tell her best fiend all of this but not me, the person she always comes back to, the person that is always there for her, that cares and will do anything for her... I was the second place, the other best friend that you meet once or twice a month. That one who is so close yet so far. Will I always be the second place? It was wrong of me to put her in that place without an explanation but I said ''we should take a break from seeing each other and that I'm sorry for earlier and that I need time to think'' she agreed. The whole day I felt relived and happy but as the time went by I had thoughts of her and if I had done the right thing? I don't have feeling for her if you're wondering... I'm confused... confused about my life and where it is going.

AND THIRD, my big but small ass secret – I'm bisexual. For you it might seem silly. But I'm terrified. I know my sister will resent me and my mom...well I don't know how she will react, but something made me feel like she won't take me seriously. You want to know how right? Well I was hanging out with friends and the girl I was talking about earlier was with me. It was all alright and it was fun and somehow me and this other girl kissed... I liked it but the people around me were looking at us with judging eyes and I could feel they were disgusted with me and her. What made me stop was the look on my friend, my dear best friend... disgusted, disappointed and alarmed. That day I went home thinking about what had happened... I felt ashamed even though I shouldn't, I questioned myself and the way I was feeling. I repressed my feelings, shaming myself for my actions, and making myself believe it was wrong of me to do that. I couldn't possibly like girls too... right? I called my best friend to say that now I know I don't like them and that that was just an experiment to see... her answer saddened me greatly but all I did was agree. Her words were ''oh that's good, at least we are more similar and and I can relate to you now. You know I'm gad you don't like girls, but it really isn't my cup of tea'' after that I've been more scared to tell people especially my family. I feel lost and unhappy. I know I'll have to tell them some day but right now is not the time.

Deep inside I know the last reason is why I'm feeling uneasy, anxious, lost and sad. That I'm unable to say it freely without fear... it's bottling inside me and I'm afraid It will spill over soon. For now I'll try and see if there is something underneath...something more...

But for now

-Sincerely, just ME