Memory 614 || paused

》09: scent

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"Red, the moment you hugged me, my heart exploded like a volcano. A red mark is left in my heart, It’s still warm. Paint me with your scent."

Mamamoo - Paint Me

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Thinking about Chanyeol was never that difficult. Not even with all passing years combined. Because it was different from what had Baekhyun been used to.

He was there by Baekhyun's side, talking casually or tapping his back cluelessly. He was there like a shadow and even though it might not be because of Baekhyun, he was still nearby.

At the end of every tiring day, wrapped in cozy blankets and physical comfort, Baekhyun had plenty of small moments to recall instead of creating big imaginary ones based on "what would happen if...". Two of them talking was reality, and at the every stolen thought of that fact, Baekhyun felt something grow tighter in his chests and explanation for that wasn't existing in his mind.

Somehow, he felt warm around the heart, but that same heart was still messed in the net of confusion and patience that has become overflowing. He could wait.

Even though he shakes when he over thinks everything and wonders why, even though he was back at self-harming himself at quiet nights in the bathroom, he still waits for Chanyeol. He was made for it.

He was made for pain as well. The bitter pain Chanyeol slowly, unknowingly gives is something Baekhyun wasn't sure he'd be able to live without. It's a part of him and once the secret is revealed, would the pain still be there? Would Baekhyun still be there?

He pains himself too and finds a relief. It wasn't like that before.

He was trying to find the escape of the hole he has fallen into, but the day he kissed Chanyeol and felt what he thought he never would by himself, he was pushed deeper inside and thought his place was really there. In darkness and black and white, aside from his precious paintings he treasured even though they weren't that pretty.

Shapes on his thighs looked more artsy than any on other surface he has spilled color onto. As long as the outcome gives satisfaction to his clenching heart, he knows he could call himself an artist.

Could Chanyeol call himself an artist too? For shaping Baekhyun into a painful song and writing down notes of growing agony? Was it artsy? Was he satisfied with it?

Baekhyun knew he wasn't happy for self-harming. He didn't want it. But he felt like doll being controlled by inner demons and he ends up obeying. Hypnotizing order brings him to the edge and he falls down. There is no hand to reach for him and pull him up and not even his own reaching for the light.
He knew it was his place there, but it was nowhere his wish. It was nothing he wished for. But were his true wishes possible? Was the escape really what he deserved and how he could continue living?

He tired escaping once and thought he managed to do it, but he was pushed against the wall again with a sharp object in his hands which soon enough became a new material for making art on his skin as the best possible surface. That's when someone has seen it too and a realization that he can never find the exit haunted him until he has found himself on his knees and accepted everything with his arms spread open.