Memory (edited)

Memory

I stirred my coffee as I looked out the window. The coffee shop was as busy as always. I haven't been here in ages. I looked to the empty chair across my table. Yes, it had been so long.

It was raining outside so I quickly drank my coffee and prepared to head out. As I passed the counter I noticed someone I knew. Then, everything came crashing back to me.

"Do you think I should do it?" He asked me idly staring at his cold coffee. I hated it when he did that.

"Why ask me?" I watched him as he failed to meet my eyes. I scoffed. "You've already decided, haven't you?"

When his eyes finally met mine, I wished they hadn't. They were apologetic. This was his dream, I should be happy for him. I didn't imagine it to be this soon.

"I wish you all the best then," I said smiling at him. I was sincere, but it took everything in me to plead with him not to go.

"Don't forget me, alright?" his eyes were almost sad. Oh, how I wish I could forget you.

"Come visit when it is convenient. Actually, if inconvenient, come anyways. I will hunt you down and kill you if you don't." I laughed at him as he shook his head at my silliness.

"Of course. I will miss you guys," he was sad now. "I will miss you the most."

There goes my heart. It pained me to hear those words because I will never know if he really meant them.

"Hey weirdo, stop being so sentimental. You know I can't stand it when you say stuff like that." I said jokingly.

All my life, he's been by my side. We've been through thick and thin together. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but I hoped it would.

He used to tell me how I would always be the most important person in his life and he'd choose me over anyone. It was like he knew that every time he spoke like that, my heart would go crazy. I hated it when he did that.

I stared at him. This was the boy who taught me how to love. No, he didn't teach me by loving me. He taught me by loving other people. I watched him as he fell in and out of love, going from one girl to the next; and even if I fall in line, it was never going to be me.

"Cara," he called my attention. "You spaced! He laughed at my ability to easily get lost in my thoughts. He was the anchor that pulled me out of them, but then again, it was his fault I was like this; my thoughts mostly consisted of him.

He was the sweetest and the kindest person I knew. He said "I love you" a little too loosely, without meaning it the way it should. He talked about a future with me, insisting it would really happen, not realizing the weight that his words held. He shut down any arguments about how we wouldn't be good together because he believed we were going to be wonderful. I'm not blaming him; I did a pretty good job at masking my feelings.

"Hey," I said as he looked at me with a small smile. "I'll miss you. A lot." He frowned at my words. Maybe because it sounded like good-bye. Forever.

A few more days passed, and I did not see him often. Finally, the day came.

"Good-bye," he said. I couldn't say anything back.

I watched him as my heart slowly, gently, wept inside. Just as he was about to turn a corner, he looked back for a final wave. I hated it when he did that.

Years passed and slowly I've come to realize how foolish I was to be swayed by his charming words. All the things I said I hated, had become the things I missed the most.

We spoke every now and then, but our conversations were mostly small talk. I felt the distance between us growing bigger by the minute. He sometimes spoke about this girl whom he liked.

This time it's different with her, he said.

Foolish, foolish girl. Indeed I was.

More years passed and I burried myself in my studies, never allowing myself time to rest; to think of him.

When my heart had finally settled, I was ready to have the best coffee in the city again. Though I sat in the same seat and ordered the same coffee, somehow it was different. I sat there and reminisced what had happened years ago, on this very day.

I took out a pen and a table napkin, and I wrote down my thoughts.

"to the man who sat
across my table,
and stood by me
through it all.
you were aware
of every little detail
about me
except for the way
i loved you.

to those who
came before
sorry if a cannot recall.
and to those who will
come after,
i sincerely apologize.
that man has yet
to return
my heart."

I left the napkin on my table.

I wonder if I should maybe say my greetings. Why was he even back in town? As I debated with myself whether or not I should talk to him, my legs did not stop walking. In a few seconds I reached the door.

I looked back one last time, his eyes met mine. A second had passed and no recognition flashed in his eyes. I felt a pang in my chest, still, I kept walking.

The sky was crying; I was not. His smile, his words, and his everything. I pulled out my umbrella.

I realized something as I walked away: from my past and to my future, out of everyone else, he would be the one boy I loved who mattered. I smiled.

I think I can finally say it now.

Indeed, good-bye.

THE END