Little pieces of Hope

Chapter Four

Saturday, 2:30 PM
Friday went by really fast, and I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was scared to have another dream, and Blake would say something that I didn't want to hear. I still couldn't get the first dream out of my head. I'm still trying to figure out what Blake meant by "football". I'm still trying to get the courage to go to his parents house. Here I am laying in the bed at 2 in the afternoon trying to move on and get my life together, but I can't go talk to his parents. It's just so hard, and no one will be able to understand it from my point of view.
I really wanted to know what he meant by football. It was my first dream about him since he died, so I really wanted to know. I mean who wouldn't?
I decided that I would drive down to the football field and just look around. Maybe I could get some idea of what he meant. I don't even know if it has a meaning. I'm listening to a dead guy in my dreams. I guess it's worth it.
I got down to the football field and just sat in the bleachers. I just imagined Blake out on that field acting a fool after he got a touchdown, and I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I did a little of both. I then walked around the field, and I walked into the locker room. Thank God it was Saturday and nobody was out there. I went to Blake's locker, and I opened it. I remember the lock combination because he told me one day. He probably thought I would never remember it, but I did. I looked inside and his jersey was in there and it looked untouched. I kind of felt bad for going in there.
I found a note in there. I took it out, and it was really long. It was to somebody you could tell. He obviously cared a lot about. I took the note and sat down on the bleachers and read it.
It said:
Dear Ashlynn,
I know we only met the other day, but I think I'm in love with you. My father always told me not to fall for a girl you just met because they would break your heart. However, I know that you are not just any girl, and I feel different when I'm around you. I really love you, but that would be selfish of me to ask you to be my girlfriend. What was that supposed to mean? Selfish? If we both loved each other, then it wouldn't be selfish. I kept reading, though. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I stare at you a lot. In class, I can never pay attention with someone so beautiful next to me. By the way, I know you hate when people tap on their desk. That's the only reason I did it, but you never told me to stop. I guess that's why I'm writing this letter to you right now. I guess I feel like I'm different to you, also. I can't just date you, though. I really want to date you, though. I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt you, and that's exactly what would happen if we date. I love you, Ashlynn. And you probably think, why did I write this note, but I know you deserve an explanation and you deserve to know my true feelings toward you. - Blake

That was the end of the note. What did he mean? That note made no sense to me. If he loved me, and he thought I loved him, then why would it be selfish? Why would it hurt me? There's just so many questions that I may never know the answer to, and that's what hurts me.
I wonder when he wrote that note. If he wrote it a while back, then why didn't he give it to me? Why did he keep it in his football locker until now?
I put the note inside my jacket pocket, and I kept it. I looked inside the locker and found 3 more notes. I know I shouldn't have kept snooping, but I just needed answers to so many questions. The first note was to his mom. I glanced at that note, and there was something in there that caught my eye.
Mama, I know that ever since we got the news, things have been different. However,I just want to live my life not thinking about how sick I am. I want to just live life like I would if I wasn't sick. I want to live like a normal teenager. No more crying over me. Let's just have fun, and live in the present because I'm still here.
It was starting to make a little since, but I was just still confused. There were still hundreds of questions that I kept asking myself. When did he right these notes? Why didn't he give them to us? Why was I somebody he wrote to instead of his closer friends? What was he sick with?
The second note I found was to his dad. I skimmed through this one the same way I did through his mama's. Only one thing in there too that caught my eye.
I'm dying, dad. You and I both know. It's hard to try and convince Mama and Aimee that I'm gonna be okay. That I will fight this, and I'm gonna make it. I'm guessing Aimee is his little sister. Dad, I've only got 4 months left. Please take care of Mama. When she's sick,just be there and help her. When she's sad, just hold her. When she's happy, be there to cherish that. Do not cry for me. I'm good dad, and I'll always be good no matter how sick I get. I know where I'm going when it's my time, so there's no need to be sad. That place is a lot better than here on Earth. One more thing, be the brother I couldn't be for Aimee, also. Be there to fight off all the boys she meets. Be there to comfort her when she needs it. Also aggravate the living mess out of her, too.
That was so sweet. I'm always thinking Blake was your typical stuck up bad boy who only loves football and girls, but he cared so much about his family. He cared about their well-being and not his. He made sure that they had everything they need.
The last note was to Aimee. It was just saying how much he loved her, and how everything was going to be all right.
I knew that it was time to talk to his family. I'm going to put all differences aside, and I'm going stop thinking about myself. They deserve to have these notes and to know how much Blake loved them, and how much he cared for them. They deserve to be reassured by Blake himself that he is in a better place. Even though he's not physically here. He wrote it himself.
I put all the notes in my jacket pocket and looked in his locker one last time. I shut it and locked it back up. I walked outside to the football field. The sun was already setting. I looked at my watch, and it read 7:45. It was later than I thought it would be, so I promised myself that I would go to the Berret's house tomorrow morning. I walked across the football field, and back to my car. There was a note on the windshield that said:
He's gone, Ashlynn. It's been 6 months. Get over him because he's not coming back.
"What the," I stopped myself. I looked around. Right and left, up and down, even under my car. Nothing. No evidence, no name, no tire marks. Just nothing. It kinda scared me. Not the note, but the fact that someone was stalking me, and they knew I came here because of Blake. I really wanted to start "investigating", but it was getting late. I needed to get home before Mama had a conniption. I got in, and drove off like nothing had happened. What was I supposed to do? Call the police, and say what? There was nothing they could do.
I got home and layed in my bed after brushing my teeth and changing into something comfy. I took the notes out of my pocket, and I put them in my drawer where I kept everything that was really important to me. I went to sleep.
"You found them. That's what I meant, Ashlynn. Football. Now your job is to take them to my family because I couldn't." His voice faded.
"Wait, I have so many questions, Blake! Don't leave!" I woke up in sweat and breathing hard. Was I dreaming again? Was he actually talking to me? Why doesn't he just tell me everything. Why does everything I need to know happen in my dreams when I'm bound to forget what the dream was about. Oh my goshhhhhh. I can't live like this forever. I need help. No one understands, though. This would be my eighth support group if I try again. Seven times I have got nothing but sorrow from these people that supposedly should "help" you. Why would I try again?