Ambition

Chapter 17

Harry

It’s funny how easy it is for someone to become obsessed. Whether the thing obsessed over is an object or envisioned it demands attention at no personal cost. It becomes a seed sown deep within your mind and expands slowly to overtake one’s entire conscious- even to creep within unreasonable grasp into the subconscious of dreams.  To say simply it consumes you, it becomes you. And because you’re desiring this obsessions with every fiber of your self, you find yourself doing things you normally wouldn’t do.

It so happens that my obsession came in the form of something I am most capable of hurting- and though more difficultly, pleasing.

***

It’s Tuesday night- exactly nineteen hours since I’ve spoken to her. And instead of doing anything reasonably productive with for all I know could be a simple mishap, easily forgiven, I go to work to sing and drink until her name is just a lull in the back of my mind.

Behind the bar tacked to the wall is a white printed calendar of June with the names of the bands playing within two weeks’ notice. By the crowds we seem to attract, Skip has insisted this become a permanent job. We are listed to play a few hours on busier weeknights as well as a special gig planned for this coming Saturday. The alcohol must be the only reason I agreed to that one.

From behind a guitar beings the introduction of another song, and I find myself lost in a room of noise “No one knows what it's like to be the bad man- to be the sad man, behind blue eyes.”

I close my eyes and allow the vibrations from the floor to absorb me, convert all my thoughts and not think. The salt from my mouth burns my chewed lips, and I hold the microphone closer into my body to push all reasoning away. My throat is burned and my body is flames. “When I smile, tell me some bad news, before I laugh and act like a fool.”

***

The dark night is lumanated by the golden hill visible on the bottom road. I steadily trek up a mile of white rock. Although the sun has long set, the heat in the air has not gone to rest. Sweat in slick on my back and I claw at my shirt to give me relief, shoving it into my back pocket. The headlights of a car can be seen a few miles away- racing towards a skyline of a thousand manmade stars.

My feet are tired and heavy from the climb. I laugh as I realize I could not have worn worse shoes for this but I could care less. I had no idea I’d be coming at all. The light from the hill appears like a rising sun, shining blinding rays between the scattered trees. My head tilts to the side as I try to avoid the lights, causing me to stumble onto the rocks. Grunting, I stand slowly and curse.

“Shit better be worth it.”

After what feels like a long ass time I reach the house. If I hadn’t known any better I’d assume someone was throwing a party- but I did. I also knew that every entrance would be locked and they probably had a thousand dollar security system so forcing my way in was out of the question.

A dog starts barking somewhere behind the house, so I decide to walk around. Sure enough a feisty beagle pup whines antsily from behind a tall white piped fence in the backyard. I greet the pup, rubbing its floppy ears back and forth over its small head and rub its belly when it lays over lazily in the tall grass.

No other dogs come to investigate the noise, to I determine it’s safe to climb the fence and jump over. The stability it takes to climb anything when you’re partially intoxicated probably is one of the most comical things a sober person could witness.

On the last step I sling my leg over and my boot slips on the smooth metal, toppling me the rest of the way down. Though with the wind knocked out of my lungs, I am smothered in a mess of slobbers. I am chocking on air- moving my mouth open and closed but my brain seems to have forgotten how to make my lungs work. Hushed, struggled sounds escape my lips and I push my stomach to contract in hope my body will respond. I push to my hands and knees- willing myself to breath. The pressure in my chest becomes constrictingly painful. My mind begins to float away. My eyes see, but they do not focus- the world is a glazed version of reality. The beagle barks continuously in my ear- scratching my arms with its small paws. My body becomes too heavy for my arms and I crush back into the warm earth. Even the house is dark.