I'm so tired of feeling sad and ashamed of myself. I can't do this anymore.
"Can we turn this off? It's making me feel kinda sad" Jordan asks me. He's my little brother. Well kind of. He's ten months younger than me, meaning that we're in the same year at school, junior.
"No" I say as I sit on the remote and begin to watch the show again.
No one understands. I just need to leave. For good. But I can't. My family. Who even cares anymore actually. They can deal with it. This is it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to kill myself.
"Turn it off" he moans. I grab the remote and switch it off. I don't want to know what happens next either.
"That seems horrible" he says as he gets under his blanket. We share a bedroom and luckily have a television in it. We have been blessed to have such a great home and I'm so thankful.
"It's life" I say as I copy his actions. In my own separate bed. If only he knew about all the other stuff that happens in life. I'm seriously so thankful. I'm not really going through anything tough right now but I'm not saying that I'm feeling good either. Mainly because I'm on my period.
"You're so negative" he says as he turns of the lamp.
"I just think realistically. If that's what you think negative is I wonder what the rest of others opinions would be to you" I say back to him. Then I start laughing a little.
"Period?" he asks.
"Yeah" I sigh. He understands me so well.
"I'm gonna sleep now. Night" he says.
"Night Jords" I say as I close my eyes. I am really tired. And not looking forward to school tomorrow.
The next day
I woke up early for once and I am now about to wake up Jordan. With a bucket of ice cold water. I mean there's no fun in just setting an alarm. The bucket is really heavy but then again so is my period which just makes things worse.
I lift up the bucket and pour it all over him.
"What the heck" he yells as he jumps out of bed and I quickly hide behind the curtains. I am a dead woman. Why did I do that again.
"Harley," he mutters under his breath, " I swear I'm going to kill you when I find you" he yells. Phew. I thought he'd seen me for a second. He runs out of the room and I quickly hide under his bed. He'll never find me here.
A couple minutes go past and now I'm bored. I have absolutely nothing to do. School isn't in like an hour and I don't leave for a while. Also did I mention that I'm stuck under a soaking bed. Now I'm wet too. My plan has backfired.
"Harley" Jordan yells. I think he's still looking for me.
"Harley it's mom" he yells again. He's pranking me. He just wants me to come out so he can wet me.
"She's not waking up" he yells. As soon as I hear that my heart thumps. Prank or not I don't care. I get out from under my bed and run to my moms room. I run in to see Jordan panicking as he walks back and forth.
"Ha-" he's about to yell my name before I interrupt him.
"You sure? I'm sure she's just in a deep sleep" I ask him and try to reassure him as I run to mom. I can't let him be scared. I shake her but still she won't wake up.
"Yes, I'm not joking" he says as he comes to me. I place my hand on moms heart to see if I can feel a pulse. Nothing. There's nothing there. I quickly grab her wrist to check if there's a pulse there. Nothing. And she's so cold too but she's covered by a thick blanket.
"Jordan call an ambulance" I stutter as I try to check her heart again.
"Is mom okay?" he asks me. What am I supposed to say.
"Call 911 now please" I say as I try to see if I can find a pulse anywhere. I look to see Jordan dialing an ambulance. I have to stay calm for him if he wasn't here I'd have broken down for sure.
"Mom it's time to wake up now" I say to her as I shake her gently. There's no response. I grab my wet hair and sling some water onto her face. Still there's nothing.
"Ambulance. It's my mom. She's not waking up. Please come quickly" Jordan says taking breaks in between, probably because the person on the other line is speaking too. I look back to mom. He hangs up.
"Mom you're scaring us now. Cmon just wake up" Jordan says as he runs to us. He grabs her face in his hands softly.
"Mom we're worried" I say as I open her blanket. The first thing I see is blood and a knife. I drop the blanket and I immediately run to the corner of the room and sit down in a huddle as I start to cry.
"Harley what is it?" Jordan asks me.
"Th- there's a knife. M- mom was stabbed" I say as I look up and wipe my tears. He runs to me and picks me up and pulls me into a hug.
"Look it's okay. She's going to be fine" he says. He doesn't let go. That's when we hear the door crash open and the paramedics come running in. The push us out of the way like we're nothing into the other room. Jordan lets go of me and places me softly on the couch while he goes to a paramedic lady.
"There's a knife. My mom was stabbed by someone and they're going to pay. Can you call the police?" he says to her. She nods and he comes back and sits down next to me on the couch. We just sit there when all we can hear is sirens and footsteps.
"Her heart is not beating" I whisper to him. That's when reality hits me. My mom could be. No she can't be.
"I know" he says as he pulls me into a hug. I don't want to let go. Tears are still falling from my eyes. We know it's over when a lady walks into the room with a look of sympathy on her face.
"I- I'm so sorry for your loss children " she says to us. I jump off the couch.
"No. She can't be" I yell as a try and run into the room. But I am stopped when someone grabs me. I turn to see Jordan.
"There's no point" he says as tears slip from his eyes. His firm grip from me releases as he pulls me into another hug. But this time we're both crying.
"We will find the person who did this. They won't get away with it. I can promise you both that" the lady says to us. I can't believe it. She's gone. My mom is gone. Just like that.
