Hold My Hand (Say Goodbye)

~ I ~

You first held my hand in the school playground. We were 10, i knew from then that this crush of mine would take new heights. I was nervous, I'm not going to lie. I didn't know how to hide it. I definitely didn't want to ruin this friendship that was filling my days with you, and making me so happy; but i didn't want to keep this massive secret from you. Turns out, everything would come out in the end, or, more specifically, we would come out.

Year 6 came and went, nothing between us changed. You went through relationships like they were your life source, we were as close as ever, i still had you.

I remember one day specifically between primary and secondary school. We were out having ice-cream, your family, me, and my dad. It was ridiculously hot for British weather, we finished our ice-cream in 2 minutes with it ending up on the ground and on our faces more than in our mouths but we really couldn't care less. We walked through the forest area in our local park, me and you pushing each over playfully, you pushed me a little too much and i started to fall, you grabbed me by the hand and tried to pull be back up but it was too late and you got dragged into the stream too.

Year 7 was a new start.
New school.
New people.
I could still always count on you. Then you changed. You tried a little harder to fit in. Started suppressing yourself in order to get 'better' friends. You were still my best friend, but i dont think i was yours. I dont think we ended the year as well as we started the year.

At the start of year 8, we bumped into each other in the halls. You looked me in the eyes and walked straight past. I knew by then that you didn't want me as a friend anymore. I didn't let that stop me from talking to you, even if you would tell me to shut up.

At the start of year 9 you came up to me again, held my hand, like when we were ten, i had hoped that this was an apology, and you said goodbye. I have to give you credit, you were the first person to break my heart, to make me cry myself asleep, to make me wish it didn't hurt as bad as it did but i had no control over it.

The start or year 10 marked our 1 year anniversary of not talking and our 9 year anniversary of becoming friends, becoming inseparable only to be separated. I truly didn't have you anymore.

You came to me after school on the third Wednesday of being back. You asked if we could hang out like we used to. I honestly didn't trust you. but im glad i did. you slept over at my house and filled me in with all the drama of being in the 'popular' kid group at our school.

I told you about missing you so much, about not really having any friends apart from this one super adorable guy. You told me you were bi, said you came out in year 9 to your friends. Said how much you wanted to have a girlfriend and how all of the guys in our school were idiots only wanting one thing.
I agreed. Dumbfounded.

You then said and I quote "I wanted to tell you myself when i first came put but i wasnt sure how youd react and i couldnt live with that uncertainty' At this point, i was really tired, it being 1 am didn't help in the slightest.
I accepted you.
I fully understood where you were coming from.

You sighed a relief. You said you didn't want me to hate you, that you know you've changed a lot on the outside but youre still the same person on the inside.

I gulped, You were still rambling about being the same person or whatever, and i kissed you.

And you leaned in.